Ramblings of a Beggar

Priorities

2010-09-12T10:04:00.004-04:00

I don't know why, but I've been thinking about priorities a lot. Not necessarily mine in particular, but just priorities in general and how we determine what is important to us.

What are your priorities?

God? Taking care of or providing for your family? Your job? Your friends? Being a good person? Going to church? Sports?

As Christians we should have one priorities: to worship and bring glory to God. Everything else should come second to that. It shouldn't be enough to that it's one of our priorities, but it's our only priority. What would the church look like if that was true for everyone? If everything else was always secondary to worshiping and glorifying God? I bet it would be a lot closer to what heaven will be like than we are now.

I'm lucky enough where my job is based on this. I get to have conversations about God, pray for people, and worship Him and basically get paid for it. That's pretty awesome. So far I'm really excited about my job and love being here. There have been some frustrations, but it hasn't been any different than it would be back in the united states.

That's all for now.

New blog

2010-08-25T14:42:00.001-04:00

So I've got a new blog that I'll be using specifically for updates about Africa. I'll still use this one for random thoughts, but the other will be focused on my time and what I'm doing in Africa.

The website is

See you on the other side

I'd rather be with you

2010-08-08T23:15:00.000-04:00

Sitting here, on this lonely dock
Watch the rain play on the ocean top
All the things I feel I need to say
I can't explain in any other way

I need to be bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with a girl like you
Finally see you are naturally
The one to make it so easy
When you show me the truth
Yeah, I'd rather be with you
Say you want the same thing too

Now here's the sun, come to dry the rain
Warm my shoulders and relieve my pain
You're the one thing that I'm missing here
With you beside me I no longer fear

I need to be bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with a girl like you
Finally see you are naturally
The one to make it so easy
When you show me the truth
Yeah, I'd rather be with you
Say you want the same thing too

I could have saved so much time for us
Had I seen the way to get to where I am today
You waited on me for so long
So now, listen to me say:

I need to be bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with a girl like you
Finally see you are naturally
The one to make it so easy
When you show me the truth
Yeah, I'd rather be with you
Say you want the same thing too
Say you feel the way I do

Senior Year

2010-08-03T01:14:00.003-04:00

I earlier did posts reflecting on my freshman and sophomore years of college, but now I'm skipping the junior year and going for the highlights the senior year (including the summer before).

Family Cruise!!!

Jordan and Candace's wedding.

The Blue Method with NVP and Kerry

Not working at all half the summer then working 60 hours a week the second half.

The return of Pete and Sarah Horning

Man weekend with Andrew Dale Pittman

Just screwing around in the apartment not caring that we weren't actually doing anything.

Random band at the Jamaica Junction

Thanksgiving in 610.

Staying in State College for Thanksgiving.

Cookie decorating.

Pumpkin carving.

Secret Santa

Having a 52/100 be an A (thank you EE 380)

Coming back to State college early from breaks.

Leaving State College late for breaks.

Highlighter party and Meredith's car getting towed.

ice skating

Staying up till 6 watching scary movies with Charlotte, Chase and Meredith

Staying up till 6 again the very next weekend with Luke

Trying to do anything in the crazy snowstorm

showing up in a chef jacket to a pajama party

sleepover and the graduation video

getting to cook real food at work

Richard Piatkowski

Charlotte the model

"mini roadtrip" with Sarah and Meredith

making Meredith my best man

Charles Hood day

Shooting guns at Luke's

Trying to hike up Mount Nittany only to get lost

lighting things on fire on "Mount Nittany"

Photo 100 with Chase and Rob

Meeting Paul and Julia

Final retreat and Banquet

free Rita's in the park

secret summer girl

reconnecting with Briana and Jaci

Getting ready to go to Africa

Hotlanta

Senior week at Myrtle Beach

Despite all the difficulties and some of the dumb stuff I did, this year was the best

Book Club

2010-07-04T17:07:00.002-04:00

So I recently bought and just started reading "Desiring God: Meditations of a Christian Hedonist" by John Piper. So far it's amazing. I wish I had it earlier this year. I think it would have helped me with what I was going through. At the end of my post I'm leaving a little quote from it to show you how good it is.

It's been an interesting week.

Lots of struggles.

Lots of grace.

Lots of loneliness

Lots of great fellowship.

On Friday, I drove down to camp for the first time in two years. I went to visit one of my best friends who was also visiting the camp. It felt weird being there, but it also felt natural. I guess it felt weird because I wasn't there as a counselor like I was used to. It felt natural because of how much time I spent there, two full summers. Anyways, I spent the day with my best friend and two girls that we worked with during my second summer at camp who now live in Greensburg.

It was a lot of fun. We didn't really do anything super interesting. It was just good to hang out with them. I was planning on driving back late Friday, but I ended up spending the night and left Saturday morning. I'm going back down to Greensburg later this month, and I hope I get to hang out with the girls again. I think that's all I got for now. Here's a quote from Desiring God as promised. Enjoy.

People lift their hand to rebel against the Most High only to find that their rebellion is unwitting service in the wonderful designs of God. Even sin cannot frustrate the purposes of the Almighty. He Himself does not commit sin, but He has declared that there be acts that are sin, for the acts of Pilate and Herod were predestined by God's plan.

Similarly, when we come to the end of the New Testament and to the end of history in the Revelation of John, we find God in complete control of all the evil kings who wage war. In Revelation 17, John speaks of a harlot sitting on a beast with ten horns. The harlot is Rome, drunk with the blood of the saints; the beast is the Antichrist; and the ten horns are ten kings who "hand over their power and authority to the beast...[and] make war on the Lamb" (vv. 13-14).

But are these evil kings outside God's control? Are they frustrating God's designs? Far from it. They are unwittingly doing His bidding: "For God has put it into their hearts to carry out His purpose by being of one mind and handing over their royal power to the beast, until the words of God are fulfilled" (Revelation 17:17). No one on earth can escape the sovereign control of God: "The king's heart is a stream of water in the hand of the Lord; he turns it wherever he will" (Proverbs 21:1; cf. Ezra 6:22)

Amen

Back to the basics

2010-06-28T17:54:00.003-04:00

One of my biggest passions in life, besides knowing my Lord and savior Jesus Christ, is music. I'm not obsessed like Jordan Shoenberger, but I love music. I love everything about it... except bad music.

I think I would love being a DJ on the radio or even just a music critic. Being payed to listen to music would be awesome. My biggest problem is my fairly eclectic taste in music and my attraction towards the unknown and underground. I don't think there are many people who would want to listen to the music I would want to play.

Anyways I've a recent burning in my heart and honestly a craving for the music that I grew up with. Does anyone else miss Tom Cochrane and Taco(my family wasn't really into rock that much)? No? how about Pearl Jam and Sublime? And for you fans of "christian" music (Christian is a noun not an adjective), anyone miss DC talk? I do. Argue all you want, but DC talk is the greatest "Christian" Band/music group ever. Say whatever you want about Jars of Clay, but DC talk changed the game.

The Hardest Thing

2010-06-19T12:09:00.003-04:00

Try to think of the hardest thing that you've ever done.

Was it ending a relationship? Starting something new? A class? A job?

What about it made it so difficult?

For most of us, the most difficult times in our lives are when we have no control.

As Christians we "know" that God is taking care of us and has a plan and ultimately His way is better and giving Him control is the best way to handle any situation. Yet we still try to control our own lives.

"The world has yet to see what God can do with and for and through and in and by the man who is fully and wholly consecrated to Him." -D.L. Moody

The reason the world hasn't seen what God can do with a man who is fully and wholly consecrated to Him is because we still try to take control. We still seek after our own desires.

Right now I am raising support to go to Africa for the next two years. I can honestly say it's the hardest thing I've ever done. Not the going part. That part isn't that bad. It's the contacting people to try and raise support part. The part that I have no control over. I can't make people understand the importance of what I'm doing or even give me money. I can't even make people pick up the phone when I call. After next week, I'll be half way through the time I have to raise my support. I may have half of my support raised, but I feel like I'm running out of people to talk to. Even on good weeks I feel like I spend most of the week stressed out or worrying that I'm not going to get enough people.

I honestly have no idea where the money is going to come from. I am trying to trust that God is going to provide. I think the reason it's hard is that I don't fully believe in God's provision. I've been telling myself all the time that it's not about the money. It's about the work that God is doing. I might not even believe that. I need a big change.

Because of His grace and for His glory.

Times

2010-06-15T22:47:00.001-04:00

I know i need you
I need to love you
I love to see you, but its been so long
i long to feel you
i feel this need for you
and i need to hear you
is that so wrong?

now you pulled me near you
when we're close i fear you
still im afraid to tell you
all that i've done
are you done forgiving?
or can you look pass my pretending?
Lord i'm so tired of defending
what i've become
what have i become?

i hear you say "my love is over,
it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between
the times you doubt me, when you can't feel
the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
the times you've broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
well my love is over, its underneath
it's inside, its in between,

these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and *are tempted* to steal
in times of confusion and chaos and pain
i'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
i'm there through your heartache
i'm there in the storm
my love i will keep you by my power alone
i don't care where you've fallen, where you have been
i'll never forsake you
my love never ends, it never ends

Ramblings of a Beggar

2010-06-04T19:47:00.002-04:00

I got the idea for the title of this blog from a song, but I don't think I ever shared that. The song is called "Ramblings of a Beggar" by Shawn MacDonald. It's a simple song, but it's very true:

Would You open up my eyes,
And show me the light,
Take me away, from this place,
Would You open up my eyes and show me the light,
'Cause I cannot make it alone,
I need, I need You,
I need, yes, I need You,
To free me

Health Care

2010-05-29T18:42:00.005-04:00

Soooo I'm not super political. I voted, but I didn't vote for John McCain or Barack Obama. I don't affiliate myself with any party. I voted for both Republican's and Democrats as well as some independents and of course Mickey Mouse. So far I've been able to stay out of the health care discussion and I don't think it's too late to get in on it now.

I've always had health care. I've spent my entire life covered either from my parents work place or their own personal coverage. Until the end of this month. Before my health care under my parents ran out I scheduled some appointments. I went for a physical and talked to my doctor about some vertigo like symptoms I've been having. He wanted to schedule a test and since I've been in Atlanta for training the soonest I could get the test scheduled was this Friday after I'm no longer covered by my parents insurance. I thought "Okay, my new insurance probably won't cover the test because it's a pre-existing condition. That's fine I'll just get new insurance in case something else happens and pay for the test out of pocket." Turns out I was wrong.

I've been turned down for insurance, at least until the test, because of the test even though they wouldn't cover it or anything related to it. That's just dumb. If you have the stipulation in the insurance that you won't be covered for something then why can you be denied for it? It's not covered in the insurance! So what if it turns out to be life threatening or whatever. Their not responsible for it! Why do they care? I don't know. I think it's dumb not to mention frustrating.

Anyways, I recently realized that I never have pictures or anything, so I wanted to add a picture. I wanted to use a picture from this week. I've been in Atlanta training for going to Morocco, and we did a team building exercise and it's the only group picture we have. Unfortunately, I don't have it, so here's another one that I found and really like. It fits with the title of my blog.

I'm just a beggar.

Because of Hi grace and for His glory.

Repost

2010-05-21T10:42:00.004-04:00

So I was looking back on some older posts that I've written and have seen some significant trends that have helped understand what I've been going through. Anyways I want to re-post one of my favorites. It's actually the first one I've written, but it still remains very true and important to me. Enjoy!

It's crazy how someone who you've never met or even seen can impact your life so much. My cousin was born on Tuesday (March 4). Her name is Leora(pretty sweet name), but while she hasn't impacted my life too much yet, because she undoubtedly will, her birth brought someone else to mind.

Over the summer some friends of mine, Scott and Anna, had a baby. I may be wrong, but I believe their daughter was born on July 13 or 14. It was late at night close to the next day, but her birth is not what affected me so much. It was her death.

Months before Anna gave birth she went for a seemingly routine checkup for herself and the baby. On that visit it was discovered that their baby had a rare deformity/ disease which, if the baby would survive birth would only allow her to live a couple hours at most. I can't tell you what it feels like to hear something like that. I can not imagine it, nor do I want to. I could tell you story after story of what went on in those months leading up to Anna's due date, but I'm gonna skip that for now.

All Scott and Anna wanted was for their daughter to be born naturally and for at least some time to hold her, but even the chance of either of those happening was slim. Anna had already given birth to two children each of whom were born through cesarean section. Because of the risks involved in giving birth naturally after one c-section only about 10% of women try it, but Anna has had two, dramatically increasing the risks.

On the day of their daughters birth Scott and Anna spent all day in the hospital, and after hours of preparation and labor it was finally time. The doctors gave the okay for Anna to try a natural birth, but the had equipment near by just in case. Amazingly the baby was born naturally, and Anna and Scott were able to hold their daughter. An hour later she died. The name of their daughter was Hannah Gloria. Hannah meaning God's grace, and Gloria meaning God's glory. They gave her that name because of the constant ways God revealed his grace and glory to them. I guess Hannah herself didn't have an impact on my life directly, but being with Scott and Anna through the whole time and seeing what they have gone through has affected me so much. Despite all the difficulties in this Scott and Anna have shown to me what it really means to have peace. They have only grown stronger in their walks with God in closer in their relationship with each other. It's crazy how God works.

Because of His grace and for His glory

Sophomore Year

2010-05-18T15:53:00.004-04:00

This is round two of highlights from college. I'm sorry if I'm forgetting something, or if you think I should include something, but this really is the best of the best.

Living with Nathan Ponzio!!!

Nathan Van Patter's evangelism study and getting to know Adam Hoff and Maggie Hipple through it.

Nathan Van Patter's announcements

Trusteeing

Meeting Megan Warley and Sharon Byrne on the Spring Break Trip to Mississippi

Kenny Hiser

Roadtrip to Grove City to See Justin McRoberts

Having Justin McRoberts play a song for me during his concert

"You set my toilet ablaze"

Bonfire at Travis'

SB2Whatever

Head coach at the wrestling meet first term (yes I did wear a dress shirt and tie)!!!

Spending my summer with Andrew Dale Pittman, Emma Clark, and Tiki

Being reunited with Dan O'Keefe

Greatest finals week ever

Freshman year

2010-05-10T17:36:00.003-04:00

So I've seen a couple people, who upon graduation, did a series of entries highlighting things from each year. I don't know if I'll do one from each year,but I'll at least start with this one.

Meeting Nathan Ponzio at the first ACF.

Getting in the fifth row at my first football game in the student section. Then staying through the whole meaningless game despite the rain.

C-Will

Being named the Ragin' Cajun courtesy of Anne Han and Kenny Hiser

Seeing Travis Crouse everyday.

Thursday lunch with Chase and Rob.

Indulging Nathan Van Patter in his many eccentricities

Lousiana.

Meeting Jordan Egli at a Habitat build then meeting Jared at ACF without knowing that Jordan had a brother, and being really confused.

Croquet on the elevated lawn on Shortlidge

Random Pajama/Milk and Cookies party with the Sproul girls

Racquetball with Jonathan Perez Blanco

Wandering down onto the floor at a women's volleyball game.

Road trip to New Jersey to watch the basketball team play Seton Hall.

Summer's Best Two Weeks for Three Months

Random 4th floor Pinchot pranks.

Explaining to the cops that I didn't know where the guy who lived in the dorm next to me was or what he did last night.

Trick dart throwing with Christian Shelmire and Kevin Crow.

Small group with Jordan Shoenberger and Glenn and Sue Williams.

This too shall pass

2010-05-01T23:35:00.002-04:00

So, I've been trying to have a new approach to life recently. I feel a lot better than I have for a while. I don't think it's because things are actually better, but I'm trying not to let it bother me as much. Knowing that I'm going to north Africa helps a lot. There's a song by Ok Go which sums it up beautifully, "This too shall pass":

You know you can't keep letting it get you down
And you can't keep dragging that dead weight around
Is it really all that much to lug around
Better run like hell when you hit the ground

When the morning comes

When the morning comes
Can't stop those kids from dancing
but why would you want to?
Especially when you are already getting good
'Cuz when your mind don't move then your knees don't bend
But don't go blaming the kids again

When the morning comes,
When the morning comes,

When the morning comes,
When the morning comes,

When the morning comes,
When the morning comes,

Let it go, This too shall pass
Let it go, This too shall pass

You know you can't keep letting it get you down,

No you can't keep letting it get you down
Oh Is it really all that much to lug around,
And you can't keep letting it get you down

When the morning comes
(Oh you can't keep letting it get you down,
No you can't keep letting it get you down)

Open Invitation

2010-03-30T23:38:00.002-04:00

I'm really frustrated right now.

Last Wednesday I played four square with some people from ACF, and it was a lot of fun. Now they've formed a group to play every Wednesday, and I haven't been invited. This probably wouldn't be a big deal except it happens all the time. I almost never get invited to things, and it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. I'm definitely a lot more outgoing than I was a couple years ago, and it's not like there is something about me that just turns people off (at least I don't think so). What makes it even worse is that I invite people to things a lot. I know I don't invite everyone to things, but not even the people I do invite extend the same courtesy to me. I just don't know what to do.

Relationships

2010-03-24T23:28:00.002-04:00

So I think a majority of my angst has resulted from my relationships. I know I'm not the most out going guy, but it at least feels like people treat me differently all the time. I look at people and how they act and what they do or say around other people and I wonder why they don't act like that around me. It's really frustrating especially now that I'm trying to connect more with people.

On another somewhat similar note, I found out recently that the last 4 girls that I really liked are all dating someone else. I dated some of them didn't do anything with others, and I don't want them back, but it is a little difficult to see them move on and be happy with someone else while I'm still in the same place. It's not like I have an overwhelming desire to be in a relationship, and it's not that I'm sad I'm not in a relationship, and think it will solve everything, but I don't really know how else to describe it. I think I'm completely fine being single, but maybe not fine with other people being in relationships.

So I may very well end up in North Africa for at least the next year. I applied to Go Corps and they set me up with Campus Crusade for Christ and and internship in North Africa. The only probably is they want to make a decision by April 1st, but I haven't heard from them since spring break. It has me worried. If I get this internship I think I'd be totally ready to graduate even though I'd still have a lot to do between now and August(when I'd leave).

I think that's it for now.

Just can't shake it

2010-02-28T21:52:00.001-05:00

I feel so alone.

Love as Love

2010-02-15T12:01:00.001-05:00

You know me
And my blinded eyes
I see your efforts as inconvenience
I need your interruptions

You know me
And my selfish heart
I see your kindness as always in my way
I need your arms to hold me

You who have loved
So perfectly
How can you take this abuse from me?
Teach me to know
Your love as love

You know me
And my wounded soul
I hear your blessings as manipulation
I need your prayers to heal me

You who have loved
So perfectly
How can you take this abuse from me?
Teach me to know
Your love as love

You can do better that me

2010-02-02T00:33:00.000-05:00

We're starting to feel
We stayed together out of fear
Of dying alone
I've been slipping through the years
My old clothes don't fit like they once did
So they hang like ghosts
Of the people I've been

It's like my heart can't take
My fall in love every day
And I feel like a fool

I have to face the truth
That no one could ever look at me like you do
Like I'm something worth holding on to

These times I think of leaving
But it's something I'll never do

'Cause you can do better than me
But I can't do better than you

You can do better than me
But I can't do better than you

Find it in me

2010-01-31T00:30:00.000-05:00

This house is full of secrets that i
have kept from her for far too long
i hope i make it through the day

my conduct should be suspect and my
intentions should be checked but i'm to
involved in making plans for my soul

her heart is full of kindness that she's
given away and now she is tired
of all the parts of life that she made

she tries to help out everyone
but i can only help myself
i question whether she knows she's safe

i hope you find it
cause i could not find it in me

i can't say when i'll leave you for good
my selfish heart hopes you don't go first
God knows i couldn't make it one day

i'll ask that you find someone to help
like you treated me like you were myself
you broke your back to make it okay

these parts of life that i cannot hold
you carry me along with your load
you're more than i could ever repay

i hope you find it
cause i could not find it in me

Come for Me

2010-01-13T19:09:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I just want to die. I just want to be done with this life, and get on to the next one.

"Jesus come take me away, I long to see Your face
This world is broken yet beautifully made,
Jesus come take me away
Jesus I’ll patiently wait, till like a vapor I’ll fade
Help me fulfill all your dreams for these days,
Jesus I’ll patiently wait

You’ll come again with a shout,
like a thief in the night you’ll come riding on clouds
Finally the voice I have followed for life
has a glorious face that is lit up with light
And you’ll come for me, no more pain, peace,
No more fear, release
just lost and consumed with my glorious King,

Jesus today I am tired, I need your music to come and inspire
I give myself to be refined in this fire,
but Jesus today I’m so tired

You’ll come again with a shout,
like a thief in the night you’ll come riding on clouds
Finally the voice I have followed for life
has a glorious face that is lit up with light
And you’ll come for me, no more pain, peace,
No more fear, release
just lost and consumed with my glorious King,
Come for me"

Timothy Hay

2010-01-10T14:46:00.000-05:00

on a cold December, just before dawn
as the sun said Hello! to the sky
the Mantis prayed while the Lamellicorn
tunneled and rolled in a threadbare tie
while the Holland Lops in the Karakung Glades
indignantly thump their feet and hop away
when they cut their noses on the sharp-tipped blades
(which the grass doesn’t mind in the least)
and there’s a heat-pat waiting in the chicken-wire hutch
where the does from the Netherlands stay

[but that dry alfalfa don’t taste like much
and we’re tired of the Timothy hay]

I touched her back, she was lying facedown
as the dew turned to frost around her eyes,
me and Sister Margaret on the Pentagon lawn
arrested, our wrists in a plastic tie
while the rats by the tracks on these winter days
seeking shelter from the cold make a nest
from the tracts of our various ways
they can save their immortal souls

[oh, no...Timothy hay?
please, no more Timothy hay!]

on a cold December, just after dusk
as the sun bids its cordial goodbyes,
we’ll be split to pieces like an apple seed husk
to reveal the tree that’s been hidden inside
which sapling called in a tattered sarong
as the seeds from the Shepherd’s Purse fell,
broke the news to Mom,
we found a better Mom we call ‘God,’
which she took quite well
singing, what a beautiful God there must be!

Break my heart for what breaks yours

2010-01-08T23:48:00.002-05:00

How often do we think about what we sing when we worship God?

Do we really mean it?

Do we even understand what we're singing?

This really troubles me. A lot of times when I sing worship songs or in general when I am confronted by God I get pretty emotional. Especially in corporate worship. Sometimes I'll just sit there and cry, and sometimes people ask me what's wrong, but there usually isn't something "wrong". Sometimes I'm upset because I'm thinking about how poorly I treat God. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with His love. Sometimes I feel like God is really far away and the words that are being sung aren't true.

I wonder why more people don't get emotional when they worship. I understand that people are different and so they worship differently, but I rarely see anyone start crying when they worship God. Sometimes in corporate worship I just stand there and look around and wonder is people really understand what they are singing. What they're asking God. And if they really want it. Do you really want to be refined in fire? Are you really sorry for turning worship into something that isn't about God? Do you really want to be changed from the inside out?

What does any of that even mean?

What does it feel like to be refined by God? Can anyone tell me?
I certainly don't think it is an enjoyable process.

Do we really long for brokenness?

If we do then why do we think it unjust of God to let people suffer or to put us into situations where we are hurt or feel far from Him?

I feel like I'm going through a lot of that kind of stuff right now. I'm not really sure what's going on, but I hope God is working out His will in me. Two of my biggest faults are sometimes I care too much about people and I don't know how to take care of myself. It's easier for me to deal with other people's problems rather than my own.

There's a friend of mine who, for whatever reason, God has set in a special place in my heart. I would do anything for her. And When I find out she's struggling with something or is just feeling down I become broken for her. It ruins my day. Not in anyway that i feel mad about or would blame her for, but I can't enjoy things the way I normally would. Many times I can't even think of anything else. I get depressed. Not because of anything happening to me, but because of what she is going through. Sometimes I feel like a barely know her and yet I feel this way. I have yet to figure out why, but there is no doubt in my mind that God has a reason for it.

"Hosanna"

I see the king of glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes
The whole earth shakes

I see his love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing
The people sing

Hosanna
Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

I see a generation
Rising up to take their place
With selfless faith
With selfless faith

I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees
We're on our knees

Hosanna
Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I walk from earth into
Eternity

Hosanna
Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

Hosanna in the highest

The Mystery of Love

2009-12-15T23:33:00.003-05:00

Today wasn't a good day.

For all intensive purposes it should have been. I'm done with all but one of my classes, and that one is really easy. I got to sleep in as late as I wanted. I got to hang out with some of my best friends, but throughout the day not matter what I did I couldn't shake this looming despair. It wasn't because I was thinking about graduation and having to leave everything behind. I wasn't struggling with how I've been feeling about ACF. In fact it really didn't have anything to do with me.

I usually try not to write about people who do read or might read my blog but I am today. Whomever this is about will know if she reads it, and I'm not mad at you. I'm not disappointed, but I want you to understand, if you ask me to delete this I will.

A friend of mine has been really struggling with drinking among other things and last night found out that her ex boyfriend was in a relationship and decided that she wanted to go out and get drunk because she didn't want to feel anything. She told me this in between my final and going into work. I told her I didn't think it was a good idea, and asked her to think about it more and not just decide to do it. I told her that if she wanted to talk or even needed me to convince her that she has had enough to drink. After I didn't her from her last night I asked her if it was a good thing (like she was out having a good time and avoiding trouble) or a bad thing. She said it was probably bad.

I just don't know what to do. I'm not even sure that she wants to change. She has said she does and has asked for help, and I want to believe her, but I still don't know if she is committed to stopping. I don't even know if she regrets doing it afterwards. Whatever I might say or do won't help until she changes. When Peter realizes he has denied Jesus three times he weeps bitterly in recognition of his betrayal and failure to God. Why don't we have that same attitude? Why doesn't our sin offend us more. When we are born new in Christ it no longer has a part of us. We aren't sinners being saved. We are saints sanctified by God.

I think I'm experiencing a little bit of what God goes through when we sin (not that I claim to know what God thinks or feels). I care about this person a lot and there really isn't a particular reason why. I'm not frustrated or mad or disappointed at her (although they each play their part). But I am hurt. It's hard to describe. I know that she can do better. I know that she is stronger than these temptations and can resist them. And yet she still falls into it. I think that's a lot of what God feels. When he looks at us after we have sinned, he's mad, he's offended, but more than anything else he's like "What the hell? I've given you the holy spirit, I don't give you more than you can handle, I know you're stronger than this. Why is still a problem." Obviously God knows the answer to that, but I don't.

I don't know what to do. I'm praying for her, but sometimes it hardly feels enough.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

She is...

2009-11-28T21:17:00.002-05:00

Have you ever fallen in love before?

Have you ever fallen for someone, but not realized until after they were no longer a part of your life?

I think I've written before about the girl I met at camp a couple years ago who showed me what the woman I will marry if I get married will be like. At the time I was unwilling to pursue her. Mainly because she lives in North Carolina normally and is actually in Australia now, but I wish I had. I can't stop thinking of her. For some reason I decided to listen to this song by The Fray, I think it fits:

"She Is"

Do not get me wrong I cannot wait for you to come home
For now you're not here and I'm not there, it's like we're on our own
To figure it out, consider how to find a place to stand
Instead of walking away and instead of nowhere to land

This is gonna to break me clean in two
This is gonna to bring me close to you

She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed
She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed

It's all up in the air and we stand still to see what comes down
I don't know where it is, I don't know when, but I want you around
When it falls into place with you and I, we go from if to when
Your side and mine are both behind it's indication

This is gonna bring me clarity
This'll take the heart right out of me

She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed
She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed

This is gonna bring me to my knees
I just wanna hold you close to me

She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed
She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed

She is everything I needed
She is everything

When it don't come easy

2009-11-25T00:36:00.002-05:00

Just saw this on a friends blog. Thought it was appropriate.

Justin McRoberts- When It Don't Come Easy

Back in black

2009-11-24T23:39:00.003-05:00

So a friend of mine asked me today if I had a blog even though she already knew I did, but it got me thinking about how long it's been since I've written anything either in my blog or in my journal. I've missed it. I don't say that about a lot of things even some of my family and friends, but I've definitely missed writing. It helps me to think and process things and try to keep my head on straight. I haven't felt like I've had the time to write. In reality I did have time I was just not sure what to write about or thought I should spend my time doing something else. I've been going through s lot lately. Thinking about a lot of things. Most of I don't really understand, so it makes it really hard to talk about.

I've been thinking a lot about where I belong, partly because of my frustration with ACF and partly because of all the uncertainties that lie ahead. I don't really know where I belong. On talking about my struggles with ACF someone said to me you can't be asked to serve where you aren't being built up. Is that true? Just because we aren't being filled the way we want to or the way we expect does that give us the right to stop serving there? Is there a limit on the sacrifices we make to serve God? I would say no, but at the same time, in the bible when it talks about the body it talks how each part of the body serves different functions does that mean that we shouldn't even try to do some things? What does ut mean to be the hand or neck or spleen? What are their different roles? How do you know which one you are? How do you what your limit is. I feel like you can't know the limit of your service to God (if there is one) until you've already passed it.

One important realization that I've made is that I need other people. I need people in my life that I can serve. That I can make sacrifices for. Maybe that's why I care about Meredith so much. She has filled that role in my life right now as someone I can serve. Someone who needs me. Someone I make sacrifices for. It's been awesome to see how much I've grown over the past couple years. I've done things and made sacrifices that I wouldn't have even thought of doing a couple years ago. Mainly because I was afraid. I wasn't sure how people would react when I talked about God or offered to help them or give them something. I'm still not sure, but sometimes it's worth taking that risk. I'm a selfish giver. I think a lot of times I need to help people more than they actually need my help.

Loving like Jesus sucks

2009-08-31T21:12:00.003-04:00

I haven't really written in awhile. I'm not sure why. I just haven't really thought about it in a while. I still feel like everything that had any meaning in my life is going wrong and I'm really struggling to find answers. What makes it worse is even though there are plenty of people who could probably help, I don't really want to talk about it. Moving on. I think I'm done with ACF. Earlier, I decided that I wasn't going to keep going to ACF unless I felt like God really wanted me there. I don't feel like he does, so I'm moving on. Nobody wants me there and I never feel more alone than when I'm at ACF on Sunday morning.

What I really wanted to write about was how much it sucks loving like Jesus not because you're supposed to love people who don't love you back. It sucks when you really love people like Jesus did when you know that people who you love and care deeply about don't love you back in the same way. When you feel like nobody loves you as much as you love them, it really takes a toll on you. There's no such thing as a pure introvert. We all need other people to help us out. To love us. I don't have anybody like that in my life right now. Yeah my parents and brother and sister love me, but it's not the same. And not talking about a girlfriend. Even my friends don't really care about me. I would immensely surprised if more than a couple people will notice that I've stopped going to ACF, and I'll be even more surprised if anybody bothers to pick up the phone and call me to ask why I'm not going to ACF.

When talking with Pastor Aaron a little about this last semester, he spoke of a prophet like restlessness. A lot of prophets were outcasts in their own society and barely understood by even their closest friends. The prime example- Jesus. While I don't know if that's what I'm going through, I hope I'm close to the end of the tunnel because I can't see through all this fog.

Wishes

2009-06-01T14:25:00.001-04:00

This song came up on my computer while on shuffle. Terrible song by Superchick, but the words pretty much sum up my feelings towards a certain someone:

The saddest thing is you could be anything
That you could want
We could have been everything
But now we're not
Now it's not anything at all
The hardest part was getting this close to you
And giving up this dream i built with you
A fairytale that isn't coming true
You've got some growing up to do

I wish we could have worked it out
I wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye

After all the things you put me through
Tell me why i'm still in love with you
And why am i, why am i still waiting for your call
You broke my heart
I'm taking it back from you
And taking back the life i gave to you
Life goes on before and after you
I've got some growing up to do

I wish we could have worked it out
I wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye

It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye

I wish we could have worked it out
I wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye

It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye

Desires of your heart

2009-05-24T15:07:00.004-04:00

Psalm 37:4

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."

John 15:7

"If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you."

I haven't thought about these verses and others like it in a long time, but today the pastor at the church I went to spoke about business, happiness, and how we live our lives and he quoted psalm 37:4 which got me thinking about it. For a lot of people these verses are serious stumbling blocks because people think that what they want and what they pray is right.

Most people associate prayer with bringing requests before God. They ask God to heal this person or help them achieve something or they just ask for his blessing. None of these things are necessarily bad, but the problem is with the expectations that come with prayer, largely because of the verses above. We expect God to bless us, to give us certain things, like we deserve it. Pastor Aaron spoke on this once. He used the example of when he was student teaching. He once gave one kid in his class a small bag of candy, and all the other kids in the class got upset. Why? The candy wasn't theirs. He didn't take it away from them to give to the other kid. He didn't tell them they were going to all get candy. They assumed they would get some, that they deserved some.

The second and far more serious problem with our prayer lives and these verses is our tainted perception. We assume that because we read our bible every day, go to church, support missions, pray, and all that jazz that we are delighting in the Lord and remaining in His word. While all those things certainly are important and have there place in ways that we exercise our faith, they aren't our faith. Our faith is built on God. His mercy, His grace, His justice, His glory, everything about him. Our part in our faith is the complete and total submission and trust in Him. Anything else is for exercising that faith and learning more about it and about God. Who is prayer for? Who benefits from it? God? Or was prayer made for us. To comfort, encourage and challenge us. Under our normal, basic understanding of prayer(communication with God), God really doesn't have any need for it. He can communicate with us anyway he wants, and he already knows what we're going to say to him and what we're going to ask of him.

Anyways, that was all secondary thought to what the pastor said today and what caught my attention. He said that when we delight in God he gives us the desires of our hearts. That just blew me away. The fact that God would give us the desires of our hearts is just so incredible. If you're thinking that I'm talking about my wants and needs, that God gives us "the desires of our hearts" as in the stuff we want or things we want to see happen, you're wrong. God's gives us "the desire of our hearts" as in our actual desires. When we delight in God, He doesn't give us what we want. What we want changes to what He wants and has planned for us. I'll say it again. When we delight in God, He doesn't just give us what we want or think we want but He changes our desires to match His own. If He merely gave us what we wanted then it would be a lot harder to be satisfied and delight in God because we will always be able to come up with more things that we want or think we want. But God goes gives us His desires, so that we may be satisfied and find peace in our lives. Oh, how He loves us!

One final thought: Do you ever wonder why we rarely pray to Jesus and almost never pray to the Holy Spirit? We typically address God the Father. Why? Aren't they all God? All equal?

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Final exams

2009-05-12T00:39:00.002-04:00

So at the beginning of the semester I wanted to try to boost my overall GPA to a 3.4. To do that I needed to get a 3.7 for the semester. Up until my second round of midterms I thought I could pull it off, but as I started to calculate the grades I was getting, I quickly lost hope. Then came finals week. I only had three finals but two of them were awful. I would have been ecstatic to get 60% on them. Anyways here are my final grades

EE 311: A (got like a 50 on the final. I guess it helps to know the professor and have him respect you)

Stat 418: A- (Thanks to a midterm drop)

English 202c: A (lots of projects but nothing too difficult

Racquetball: A (and class champion after an epic comeback)

Math 412: B (thought I got a 40% on the final and never did very good on the homework)

So totalled up, guess what my GPA for the semester was. 3.7. After all the stress and worrying, when I finished my finals I was able to just let it go, and commit my grades to God and whatever happens happens. It's crazy how much God blesses us. I've really been able to see Him work in little things and prove his faithfulness this year.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Pile it on

2009-05-07T22:07:00.002-04:00

I am very hesitant to say that my life sucks. I know how blessed I am and how so many people are far worse off, but sometimes life is really difficult. The past couple weeks I feel like everything has been going wrong. My parents are stilled unemployed. I lost a scholarship from Penn State. I've been spending a lot of time with this girl, hoping that it would develop into something, and we talked about, but she doesn't want to be in a relationship. For a while it looked like my grades were going to slip a a decent amount. I've been trying to get this job, but the guy hasn't been calling me back and it's been pretty frustrating. My grandmother had blood clots in her spine and passed away today. It's that time in my life where life just seems to pile it on. I don't know when it's going to stop. All of this has just added to my struggle with being at ACF.

I don't know if I can do it anymore. I don't know if I can keep going to ACF. I don't think anybody really wants me there. Earlier this year I didn't go to ACF for a couple weeks and the only people that said anything to me didn't really care why I wasn't there. They just expected me to be just because I'm always there and I'm the head trustee. It's really frustrating. Especially when there are people that I am directly responsible for their involvement and ACF, like Jenny, Charlotte, and John, and people want them to be there, and they are more a part of ACF in their little time there than I have ever been in three years.

My walk with God hasn't been too good recently and I'm at the point in my life where I really need to take care of myself, and be selfish and think of myself first for a little bit. I'm not really sure what I need, but I don't think ACF can give it to me because it hasn't the past three years. I'm not going to keep going to ACF if people don't want me there and if I don't really want to be there.

Because of his grace and for his glory

So close to being this far

2009-05-06T20:30:00.002-04:00

I've been writing recently. It's not really a poem but if you want to classify it as something I guess you would call it a poem. It's far from done, but this is what I've got so far:

I sit here at the end of the day
wondering what happened
Where did it all go?
It seems like it was yesterday
I was living like a prince
Indulging myself with all the riches
the world has to offer me
Now there's just You and me
It barely feels like it's enough
Not wanting to stay
Not able to go
There's nothing left to do
but let these feelings consume me

Lost in the desert of my thoughts
with nothing to subdue my thirst
Your voice flowed like water
curing me of all my ailments
And I felt like there was no other choice
So I followed
All the while wondering if you knew
Knew who I was
Knew what you were getting into
but who am I to question God

Now, that burning bush is gone
without a trace
Well, this must be a dream
because no fire dies that fast
I open my eyes
and you are nowhere to be found
All this time I never realized
how close I was
to being this far away

I look down to find a serpent
latched onto my leg
with no intent of letting go
I swear it used to be a stick
with no other purpose than to help me
on my walk down this long forsaken road
I let that snake stay
Not caring enough to just reach down
and try to pull it off
And so it consumes me
My blood flows thick with despair and regret

Where do I go from here?
Nothing short of losing my inheritance
could make me change my mind
I feel so cold
I can't even remember
what's it's like to be warm
I never knew how close I was
to being this far away

King of Wishful Thinking

2009-04-27T22:04:00.000-04:00

I don't need to fall at your feet
Just 'cause you cut me to the bone
And I won't miss the way that you kiss me
We were never carved in stone
If I don't listen to the talk of the town
Then maybe I can fool myself..

I'll get over you.. I know I will
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking
I am the king of wishful thinking

I refuse to give in to my blues
That's not how it's going to be
And I deny the tears in my eyes
I don't want to let you see.. no
That you have made a hole in my heart
And now I've got to fool myself..

I'll get over you.. I know I will
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking..
I'll get over you.. I know I will
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking

I will never, never shed a tear for you
I'll get over you

If I don't listen to the talk of the town
Then maybe I can fool myself..

I'll get over you.. I know I will
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking
I'm the king of wishful thinking
I'll get over you.. I know I will
You made a hole in my heart
But I won't shed a tear for you
I'll be the king of wishful thinking
I'll get over you..
I'll pretend my heart's still beating
'cause I've got no more tears for you
I'm the king of wishful thinking..
I'll get over you.. I know I will
You made a hole in my heart
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking

Ponytail Parade

2009-04-24T23:37:00.002-04:00

I feel like this song was written for me. It pretty much sums up how feeling right now.

Three sleepless nights
This isn't how its supposed to be
But you're so good at taking your time to get back to me
And i will wait for you forever
If you would just ask me
And i thought that i could change you, but you've changed me

It doesn't feel right holding someone elses hand
Together on phone lines, living at two opposite ends
It scares me to think that you could find takers other than me
And better than me

But your head is elsewhere and i'm talking enough for both of us
when will you see? it's not (it's not) so easy for me

But you're careless, (i fall from ) and whispered, (your eyes)
(i trusted) insulting, and bruising (i thought that you said forever)
and i thought that you said things were improving
these laces are untied, but my feet are still walking away. away.
(laces .. are .. untied .. but my feet .. are still walking away)

I never thought that you could say these words, is this really happening?
I never thought that you could say these words, is this really happening?
(don't say...)
I never thought that you could say these words, is this really happening?
(don't say that we can...)
I never thought that you could say these words, is this really happening?
(don't say that we can still be... )
I never thought that you could say these words, is this really happening?
(don't say that we can still be friends )

Erase my name from this page.

how can you take all these days?
(what is inside of me, what have i done?)

and throw them away
(is this the only way that you'll notice me?)

as i sit here waiting for you (for you)
(dead words for closed ears all this is sung for you)

I stay up nights
(if you're still pretending this is what's right)

until stars leave the sky
(why can't you look at me can you only see)

knowing what my dreams can take away
(one side your side, can take away)
Walk away from me.
This night is done.

Jesus Christ

2009-04-24T10:14:00.001-04:00

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone that could save
If they don't put me away
It’ll be a miracle

Do you believe you're missing out?
That everything good is happening somewhere else
But with nobody in your bed
The night is hard to get through

And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won’t know anyone

Well, Jesus Christ, I’m alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Because this problem's gonna last
More than the weekend

Well, Jesus Christ I’m not scared to die
I’m a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot
Do I float through the ceiling

Do I divide and fall apart
Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
This ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?

I know you'll come in the night like a thief
But I’ve had some time alone to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up
(everyone now)
So do you think that we could work out a sign
So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try
I know you'll come for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails,
And talk dirt at hating factories
But, we all got wood and nails
And talk dirt at hating factories
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine

They Care

2009-04-19T22:04:00.000-04:00

The seats fill, what do you see?
“Am I here for them, are they here for me?”
They listen and they hear your words
“But do I mean everything they’ve heard?”

They care, and they think you do
That’s why they care for you

Your lungs fill, with the breath they breathe
Is the moment now only make believe?

They care, and they think you do
That’s why they follow you

The stage is an alter; its foundation is trust
What is sung here or spoken either heals or it cuts
Leadership is a privilege offered only by grace
To abuse your position for your benefit
Is to spit in God’s face

They care, and they think you do
That’s why they care for you

He loves us

2009-04-10T15:28:00.002-04:00

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how he loves us
oh, how he loves

Angry

2009-04-02T18:40:00.002-04:00

I've been really angry recently. I'm not really sure why, but it's gotten to the point where I can't tell when I should be mad and when I shouldn't. I need a break. I can't wait for summer...

Safety, Comfort, and the Spaces in Between

2009-03-16T12:24:00.003-04:00

I haven't posted in awihle. Not because I haven't had anything to write about, but I've been struggling to find the time and the words to write. I just got back from spring break yesterday and it was really weird. I'm not entirely sure why I feel this way, but I do. I'm not going to write about eveything because that would take forever, but just some highlights.

Praying for safety especially for traveling has become something that we rarely think about, and even when we do think about it, we think (or at least I think) " sure. Sounds good. Whatever." It's not something that we are regularly concerned about. Well, on my way down to Mississippi I was in my first car accident!!! Surprise!!! The car spun out and rolled stopping with the passengers side on the ground and facing the oppostie direction we were travelling. I was in the passenger's seat. It was nothing short of a miracle that no one was hurt. Especially since two people didn't have seatbelts on, one of which was laying down. One cool thing about it was that my church back home was praying for safety right around the same time that the accident happened. A lot of times when we pray for things we typically think about it or pray about it the wrong, and when God answers prayer it's rarely what we expect it to be. When we pray for safety we typically are thinking that God will prevent accidents from happening. Even before the accident I have been really stuggling with trusting God with a lot of different circumstances and I prayed about it, and I feel that the car accident was an answer to prayer. If God can carry me through that then shouldn't I be able to trust him with money and school and relationships?

Moving on.

A couple weeks ago we had girls and guys nights at ACF, and Pete Horning came to speek with the guys. Part of what we talked about was doing ministry out of your comofort zone especially in the work place. That phrase, "stepping out of your comfort zone," has become annoying to me mainly becasue I everyone says it, but very few people actually do it, but it got me thinking about my comfort zone and ACF.

I don't belong at ACF. I struggle almost everyday with trying to feel like I belong with the people at ACF, but I don't and I know I don't. It's not really a question of my ministry. I definitely feel called to be a part of ACF's ministry to Penn State, but it's definitely way outside my comfort zone. I sometimes even feel jealous of people who fit in at ACF. A freshman who I've been hanging out a lot with (she actually is the one who was drving when the car crashed) has even said how much she feels welcomed by ACF and how impressed she is by that. That's something I've never experienced. There are individuals that I've felt comfortable around or that welcomed me, but in general I've never really felt welcomed by or a part of ACF. I've never had a spiritual mentor and nobody has ever really gone out of their way to include me. There was a period of time towards the end of freshman year when Jordan Egli would invite me to a lot of random things which was sweet, but it didn't last, and we don't really hang out at all anymore. Even the people I do spend time with or feel comfortable around, it's almost always me who calls them or invites them to things. Sometimes that really bothers me.

As far as eveything else, I really have no clue what's coming next. I don't really have plans for the summer, but I'll probably end up in State College hopefully with an internship or research position or just working part time. I don't even know if I'll take classes in the fall. I've been thinking about taking a semester off and working, but we'll see. That partly depends on whether I get the scholarships I need. One of my roomates said something that stuck with me. He said, "there are two kinds of greed. People who work to gets lots of money and buy lots of stuff and people who don't have a lot of money but think about it all the time." I don't have a lot of money and that needs to be addressed, but I struggle with thinking about it too much.

That's it for now.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Homework? yes please

2009-02-21T18:53:00.002-05:00

So some of friends are taking or have taken classes where some of their homework assignments have been to go to a certain type of concert (i.e. Jazz) or watch a specific movie. Why can't I get homework assignments like that? All I get is relating the wave equation to the diffusion equation and design a mono to stereo audio amplifier for a fake company. What's the deal yo?

Half Alive

2009-02-18T04:18:00.000-05:00

It's four AM, I'm waking up to your perfume
Don't get up, I'll get through on my own
I don't know if I'm home
Or if I lost the way into your room
I'm spiraling into my doom
I'm feeling half alive but I know one day
You and I will be free,

To live and die by our own rules,
Free..
Despite the fact that men are fools.

I'm almost alive, and I need you to try
And save me.
It's okay that we're dying,
But I need to survive tonight, tonight.

Well excuse me while I get killed softly,
Heart slows down and I can hardly tell you I'm okay
At least 'til yesterday,
You know you got me off my highest guard,
Believe me when I say it's hard.
We'll get through this tonight
And I know one day you and I will be free

To live and die by our own rules,
Free..
Despite the fact that men are fools.

I'm almost alive, and I need you to try
And save me.
It's okay that we're dying,
But I need to survive tonight, tonight.

And you touch my hand ever so slightly
(Girl we're not ready for this yet)
And the deadly look she cast upon me
I won't regret, I won't regret
I won't regret. I won't regret...

And I was trying to disappear,
But you got me wrapped around you
I can hardly breathe without you
I was trying to disappear
But I got lost in your eyes now,
You brought me down to size now.

I'm almost alive
And I need you to try and save me.
It's okay that we're dying
But I need to survive tonight, tonight
Tonight...

I'm almost alive, and I need you to try
And save me.
It's okay that we're dying,
But I need to survive tonight, tonight.
I need to survive tonight, tonight

A Troubled Mind

2009-02-14T22:26:00.000-05:00

There comes a certain time when we should contemplate
the end of everything familiar as we know it
we will not follow the same path tomorrow as yesterday

oh the way i slowly lose my mind
it just reminds me i should limit my
time on selfish things i don't need anyway

i don't know where i'm going
i don't know where i was
i just know that i need you wherever I end up
and if i lose my head you'll help me see where i should go

as simple as a message to me as can be (as can be)
i only want something to let me know you're here

oh the way i slowly lose my mind
it just reminds me i should limit my
time on selfish things i don't need anyway

i don't know where i'm going
i don't know where i was
i just know that i need you wherever I end up
and if i lose my head you'll help me see where i should go

if my mind slowly disintegrates into something useless
will i still have your sweet embrace to keep me company?

will i have still have that sweet embrace to keep me company?

i don't know where i'm going
i don't know where i was
i just know that i need you wherever I end up
and if i lose my head you'll help me see where i should go

Ninteen

2009-02-10T16:10:00.001-05:00

Ancient sore oculi
Couldn't see the change
But blissful lights still happen
Through the darkest days
She strokes her hair
In the bathroom sink
It lost volume
It lost the will to give

I gave up
On falling asleep
As the hands began to shove

Before you've even seen it
The old horizon's gone
Another recollection
Of the blind, deaf summer sun.

But eyes are not the be all
And end all of the west
The east may hold a pair now
But maybe just address the doubts you have
There's no great rush to make this change

She showed some sense some time ago
When she was happy
She thought that this would make her happier.

I've told you for the fifth time
I've told you for the twelfth
I'll give up just when you will
You better warn yourself
You'll get left back
In the cold and rain

And now and again
Balancing your roles
I see you get bogged down
And though you say it's not good
Your life still lingers on
And so now, little gosling,
Don't become a swan.

I tried to be so special
And I thought I was alone
I wanted to be special
But I failed us all

So please, now,
Please just trust me
Your life still lingers on
And so now, little gosling
Don't become a swan

A few thoughts

2009-02-05T22:31:00.003-05:00

I've been meaning to write about some things for awhile, but I don't think they deserve their own posts, so I'm combining them on to one.

1. Act your age

So I haven't had much luck in relationships with girls my age even if we're just friends I never really get that close to them or I eventually say or do something really stupid and is tarnishes our friendship, but surround me with females not close to my age and I'm a stud. I work in one of the dining commons on campus and I work with some older ladies. Some of then are in their 40s and some are older than my mom, but every time I work with them they tell me how much they love me and that I'm the best. Seriously. I was having lunch with a friend of mine and I went to say hi to one of ladies I work with, and as I'm walking away she says to one of the people she was working with "he's the best." There's also half a bus of middle school girls who think I'm the greatest thing in the world, but I'll save that story for later. Even any minor success I've had with any type of relationships with girls close to my own age has come with girls a couple years older or younger than me.

2. It's good to be king

So I'm taking a racquetball class this semester. I came into it just hoping to have fun and get better. After the first two days I thought I would be close to the top ten of the class, but it turns out that I'm probably the best player in the class. One day in class the instructor wanted to demonstrate how to referee a game, so he said he would pick two of the best players in the class, so that everyone else can watch and learn how to ref. Well, he picked me and some other guy, and I beat him 11-0. after that there was definitely a feeling of new found respect. I only talked to a couple of people in the class before that day. Most people didn't really care to get to know anyone else in the class, but after that day almost everyone remembers my name and acknowledges my presence whether in class or if they see me around campus. A while ago someone asked me what my proudest moment was,and I really didn't have an answer, but this might be it. I know I'm not really that good, but maybe I need to play someone who is really good to humble myself a little.

3. Tattoos

I've decided that I might get tattoos at some point in my life, and I know what they'll be. On the back of my left arm I'll put : החין של אלוהים (God's grace). And on the back of my right arm I'll put: הפאר של אלוהים (God's glory).

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Forward, Russia!

2009-01-29T12:17:00.002-05:00

No I haven't turned into a communist. Every once in awhile when I want to write, but don't really have anything to write about I'll post lyrics or write about a band. Today it's Forward, Russia!

They're certainly an interesting band. The first time I heard them was when I saw their music video for their song "Nine" and it was really good. I like the style of it and the shots of the band and cuts they used. I bought one of their cds recently and I like it. They're really weird. They make some interesting and random musical statements, and you can almost never understand what they're singing about even if you can hear and understand all the words, but I like them. They're different maybe that's why I like them.

Forward, Russia!

Where did you go?

2009-01-25T14:32:00.001-05:00

And it feels like this is the last chance I have to say
Every word that I've been fighting.

Well I have finally decided, to hold my head up with pride
And accept the way life takes you through these changes.

Cause when you reach the stars, you've made it.

It's just something that I've been drying to let you know-
And now that you're gone I'm holding on, and I just can't let go

I get a little down on my self.
But when you came around
The world felt knew
I opened up my eyes to the light
And I saw deep inside of a love that was true

And if I ever let you go,
I'm hoping that some time will show-
That you're the one, you're the one for me

And it feels like this the perfect time for me to say
That deep down inside I'm hurting, but at least I know you're worth it.

And if I hold myself with pride and accept the pain
Then life will take me through these changes cause I have so much left to see.

It's just something that I've been dying to let you know.

Cause now that you're gone I'm holding on and I just can't let go.

I get a little down on my self.
But when you came around
The world felt new
I opened up my eyes to the light
And I saw deep inside of a love that was true.

And if I ever let you go, I'm hoping that some time will show-
That you're the one, you're the one for me

So lets go back down to the back of that river where we we can dive right in
And forget about the worries from the world outside, cause you know my world,
My worlds not over because I have an angel on my shoulder.

And I'll be coming home, and when I feel those butterflies
I'll see that I need to find a better way just to believe you're gone.
So long, some day I'll find the strength to move on.

I get a little down on my self.
But when you came around
The world felt new
I opened up my eyes to the light,
And I saw deep inside of a love that was true.

And if I ever let you go,
I'm hoping that some time will show.
Cause you're the one, you're the one for me.

The man

2009-01-24T19:17:00.002-05:00

So once again I find myself raving about my favorite artist: William Fitzsimmons. He recently did on online concert where he his in a studio and was streaming live and a bunch of people watched and listened and sent him messages while he played. He's so good.

a little video

It's also fairly appropriate for what's been going on in my life recently.

Inaugural Thoughts

2009-01-20T18:33:00.003-05:00

So I watched Obama's inauguration today. I don't know why. I didn't vote for him. He was going to president whether I watched him or not, and I'm typically not one for that kind of pomp and circumstance. Anyways here are some of my thoughts about what I saw.

The best: I don't know if you watched it or even if you saw the whole thing, but I started watching when the Clintons came out, and for me the best part of the inauguration was the guy with the bright red scarf and fedora. He was to the left of the stairs about half way down. I have no clue who he was or why he was there, but his fedora was sweet.

Obama's entrance and red fedora.

The worst: Regardless of what actually happens during the next year or two, Obama will be infallible. The media's love affair with him coupled by the overplayed historical significance and radical fans opens almost unlimited doors for Barack to do pretty much whatever he wants. Even if the economy gets worse and he fails to deliver on the promises he's made no one will blame him for a year or two. That could end being good, but I don't like it.

The terrifying: Joe Biden is vice president. I would take a bullet to save Barack if for no other reason than to keep Joe Biden from becoming president.

He's crazy.

The comical: I thought the screw ups in Barack's oath were funny. So what if he was excited and spoke too soon? So what if Chief Justice John Roberts said "to" instead of "of". It's funny. I also like the underlying irony that Barack opposed Roberts' appointment.

The sickly: Aretha Franklin. I know I'm not a music expert, but she sounded awful. She's 66 years old and no longer has any vocal range. There should have been someone closer to their prime singing, but ultimately it didn't cost anyone any r-e-s-p-e-c-t.

Nobody will remember: John Williams' compilation. I thought it was really good.

Air and Simple Gifts.

The controversial: I loved that Rick Warren ended with the Lord's prayer. Some people are mad that he did that because it is so strictly associated with Christianity and the whole separation of church and state, but nobody cares that Barack talked about God and "quoted" scripture. As pastor Aaron said on Sunday, if you don't want a christian to invoke the name of Jesus when praying then you should pick someone else.

And finally, The speech: Fresh off of CAS 100 I actually have an idea of what a good speech sounds like, and I approve of Barack's. Not that I'm surprised. It's what he does best.

Speech.

Service Tax

2009-01-18T22:35:00.002-05:00

Everything has its price. Even if you're doing something good, it's going to cost you something. The question how much are you willing to pay to do or get something, and what happens when the price is too high?

Lately I've been in a spiritual funk. I haven't been doing regular devotions. I haven't felt really good about anything. I just feel like crap, and I think a big part of the reason why I feel that way is because of my role in ACF. I am so concerned with the needs of the church and what I can do to meet those needs that I ignore my own needs. Is it possible to give too much? Should I be willing to sacrifice my own spiritual growth for the growth and development of the church? I shouldn't have, but if I had to choose one should I choose the church? I haven't learned how to maintain both.

That's one reason why the sabbath is so important. We need that time to step back, recharge, and if need be get focused back on God. That's what I've lost. ACF is no longer a place where I can come to make myself right with God. It no longer is part of my sabbath because I have responsibilities at ACF that need to be taken care of, and I haven't figured out how to replace that. A friend of mine said today that we need to just let God do things instead of us trying to do things, but that's not who I am. God uses us to accomplish things, and if something needs to be done, I'll do it. With so many things going on and so much to get done staying relaxed and calm is stressful. It's not that I'm trying to do everything by myself,maybe I am, but when other people at ACF can't or won't do something it usually falls to me because I'm wiling to do it. Maybe I should say no to more things.

I'm going to disappear for the next week and try to get back on track.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Hypocrisy # 785

2009-01-09T01:05:00.000-05:00

We better pick up the pieces
Feels like we're losing control
To see the truth when it's naked
Just throws us out in the cold
I could make you a promise
Look you straight in the eye
But you know I find it so easy
To trade the truth for a lie, sometimes

Do as I say, not as I do to you
I'll only let you down when we're the only ones around
What's in your blood? What's in the air you breathe?
There's more than me and you choking on the golden rule

I could I tell you I love you
You'd say you've heard it before
It feels a lot like the last time
Always the same four chords
And though I know I'm a failure
Still I just have to believe
Somewhere someone's gonna show me
Just what this honesty needs

Do as I say, not as I do to you
I'll only let you down when we're the only ones around
What's in your blood? What's on your tv screen?
There's more than me and you choking on the golden rule

We're all politicians and TV preachers...
Someone save us from ourselves

Note to Self

2009-01-05T23:27:00.000-05:00

Two roads split off from here,
and my life goes running in opposite directions.
Exaggerating the barrier between who I am,
and who I want to be.

I wanted to be the breath of fresh air,
When everything smelled so insincere.
But this taste still lingers in my mouth,
Deceit has ways of sticking around.
And I'm ready to disappear,
Vacation seems far(seems far) from here.

Note to self:
I miss you terribly.
This is what
we call a tragedy.
Come back to me,
Come back to me,
To me.

Note to self:
I miss you terribly.
This is what
we call a tragedy.
Come back to me,
back to me,
To me.

I can feel my mind
wandering again.
Into where I don't know,
and will I ever get home?
Time starts moving
faster than I can.
And I'm sick of this scene;
I need to break the routine.

Two roads...
Split off from here,
and my life goes running in opposite directions.
Exaggerating the barrier between who I am
and who I want to...

Which part of me is left?
I feel so close,
and yet I am so far.
Which part of me is lost?
I feel so close,
and yet I am so.... FAR!!!

'Tis the season that makes me vomit

2008-12-25T00:17:00.003-05:00

I've been called a scrooge several times, and you might agree, but really I'm not. I'm just critical of how we "celebrate" our saviors birth. Why do we give each other presents? Why do we put up a tree in our living room and put lights on everything? Who came up with a fat guy in a red suit traveling around the world, eating cookies and giving out presents? I doubt anyone can tell me how most things we associate with "Christmas" is associated with the birth of Jesus Christ.

All these things do is distract a majority of people away from reality. That we are fallen and screwed up and the only way for us to be reconciled with our creator and father is for God himself to come to earth and die for us. And Hallelujah, he did!!! Nothing else we encounter that is so heavily "associated" with an event or holiday as Jesus with Christmas gets ignored as much as He does. Yes, if you went into a church yesterday there probably was a Christmas eve service. Hopefully focused on Christ. And maybe you had carolers come by and sing real Christmas songs. I'm going on a tangent to explain what real Christmas songs are. For me at least, real Christmas songs are hymns, or whatever you want to call them, that actually talk about Jesus. Not Santa Clause or Rudolph or a winter wonderland.

Anyways most people that "celebrate" Christmas don't do so because of Jesus and never mention his name around the holiday. That's the biggest part of my beef with Christmas.

This holiday also brings out as much bad in people as good. Have you ever been in a tragic shopping accident? I have and it's not uncommon in the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I saw "Jingle all the way" a little while ago. It's about a guy who promised his son an action figure and forgets, and by the time he remembers, they're all go. So he does whatever we has to get this doll. Including fighting a bunch of Santas. I know it's an extreme but a lot people parallel this type of behavior. Our materialistic nature comes to its ugly height at Christmas.

I'm not a scrooge. In fact I would say I feel this way about how we celebrate Christmas because of how much I love the holiday and how much it means to me.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Comical couple

2008-12-25T00:10:00.002-05:00

So my brother has a girlfriend now. She came to our church's Christmas eve service, and she probably thinks I'm rude. They sat next to me, and I didn't look at her at all. I couldn't. I was having a hard enough time trying not to laugh. Not because of her or anything, but my brother. I just never thought I'd see this happen. Seriously. You'd have to know him to understand.

Angelina

2008-12-23T00:20:00.000-05:00

Oh Angelina
You are the sun and the moon
Every song I ever sang, I stole it from you
I knew that nothing could tear us apart, I never even gave it a second thought
I was so sure and I was wrong, Now every single thing I ever had is gone

Nothing here is set in stone
Nothing's ever set in stone
Everything I have some day will fall apart and fade away

Oh Angelina
I learned my lesson this time
I took you for granted for so long And now I just wanna die
Every thing I ever got, I never even gave it a second thought
I was so sure, I was so sure - Now there's only one thing I know for sure

Nothing here is set in stone
Nothing's ever set in stone
Everything I have some day will fall apart and fade away

Nothing here is set in stone
Nothing's ever set in stone
Everything I have some day will fall apart and fade away

Nothing here is set in stone
Nothing's ever set in stone
Everything I have some day will fall apart and fade away

Nothing here is ever set in stone

Withdrawal

2008-12-19T23:23:00.004-05:00

I'm a pessimist. I typically look at things in a negative even cynical way. Every once in awhile this gets me into trouble. Actually I go through bouts of depression pretty regularly. Especially around any type of holiday, like Christmas. It's not like I get depressed because I have a crappy family situation or no friends or anything. I just analyze and many times judge things and get depressed about what I see.

The reason sometimes it gets so bad is that I feed it. When I feel depressed or upset about something, I just withdraw more. It's not until I do something engaging with someone that I'm able to fight it off. Like a week ago I was feeling pretty down before, during, and right after the banquet at ACF, but once we got to the mount I started to feel a lot better about everything. I know how to fight feeling depressed, but I don't always do that. Why not?

I think part of us likes feeling miserable, if for no other reason because when we finally take comfort in something or are comforted it feels that much better. When the lows are really low the highs feel that much higher. But I also think, at least for myself, that I want to feel sorry for myself. I want to tell myself how bad I'm doing at everything, how I can never do anything right, so that I can sympathize with myself and justify how I'm feeling. I don't know. I'm just rambling now. I've said all I wanted to say.

"Anything Right"-P.O.D.

"So much to say so little time for me, to explain the way I feel
You only see, things the way you want to see them
It makes sense to you all these things you do
You’ve got it all figured out while everyone is confused
How do you do it?
In your mind I'm just blind
You're right all of the time
If I think for myself, I guess I'm way out of line
I'm not who you are
I'm so sorry

I can't do anything right
You don't know me, stay out of my life
Kick me while I'm down, I want you to
I can't be like you
Don't want to be like you

I can't do anything right
You don't know me, stay out of my life
Kick me while I'm down, I want you to
I can't be like you
Be like you

No matter what I do it's never good enough
I give all that is me; still it's never enough
So, why try? I give up.
What does it feel like to be in your shoes
And walk over everyone like you do?
Take me down again, I want you to.
You're lovely, so beautiful and
You're perfect in every way.
Your interior rusted and I'm so disgusted
Can't trust it. You're busted.

I can't do anything right
You don't know me, stay out of my life
Kick me while I'm down, I want you to
I can't be like you
Don't want to be like you

I can't do anything right
You don't know me, stay out of my life
Kick me while I'm down, I want you to
I can't be like you
Be like you

I can't do anything right

Is that it?"

Because of his grace and for his glory.

The real McCoy

2008-12-15T22:16:00.002-05:00

Colt McCoy doesn't get any love.

Not only is he a stud athlete...

But he's also an amazing and humble guy.

I'm not saying Sam Bradford and Tim Tebow didn't deserve the awards they got, but Colt McCoy doesn't get enough love.

Public perception

2008-12-14T23:46:00.002-05:00

I think about how other people see probably more than I should. I don't change who I am for other people, but I just want to know what other people think of me. I've been noticing a wide variety or perceptions the people have of me, most of them with serious flaws.

I've been fortunate enough to get to know some of the freshmen that come to ACF pretty well and one time I was having tea with one of them and we somehow ended up talking about how I'm pretty antisocial and not real friends with a ton of people. She didn't really believe me at first. Yeah I know most of the people at ACF, but I only really spend any significant amount of time with a handful, and while I'm not enemies with very many people I feel like I'm not really friends with people I don't spend time with. Anyways, she thought that I was friends with everyone and knew everyone and everyone knew me.

Another time I was having tea with a freshman we were talking about the banquet, which was coming up soon, and I said that I still wasn't sure if I was going and that I had never been to a fall banquet. And again she was surprised. She thought I was all gun ho, love ACF, go to everything. Sometimes I really can't stand being at ACF and don't want to go anymore, but maybe I'll write about that another time.

It's probably the worst in my own class. I'm not really friends with too many other juniors at ACF. Yeah I talk to them at ACF or if I see them around, but I don't really hang out with too many of them. Anyways I find that when I'm around people from my class I act and I think and view things differently because of the way that they see me. I don't really like it, and it's hard to explain, but there a lot of incorrect perceptions of me out there that I wish I could change.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Not now

2008-12-03T22:27:00.000-05:00

Come here, please hold my hand, Lord, now
Help me, I'm scared please show me how
To fight this, God has a master plan
And I guess, I am in his demand

Please save me, this time I cannot run
And I'll see, you when this is done
And now I, have come to realize
That you are, the one who's left behind

Please stay untill I'm gone
I'm here hold on to me
I'm right here waiting

I see, the light it feels good
And I'll come, back soon just like you would
It's useless, my name has made the list
And I wish, I gave you one last kiss

Please stay until I'm gone
I'm here hold on to me
I'm right here waiting
And take my one last breath
And don't forget
That I will be right here waiting

Please stay until I'm gone
I'm here hold on to me
I'm right here waiting
And take my one last breath
And don't forget
That I will be right here waiting

Oh, Hugh

2008-11-28T23:34:00.002-05:00

Hugh Jackman, I am sorely disappointed in you.

I had high hopes for you after The Prestige.
Wolverine had moments of disappointment, but overall was solid.

But now, not only have you gone and gotten yourself voted the sexiest man alive, but you have tainted what could have been an outstanding movie about racism and standing up for what you believe and finding where you belong and becoming a man with Hollywood's greatest blunder, the "I hate you, you hate me, lets fall in love" story.

Really Hugh, Really? I thought you were better than that.

Is any one else disappointed in mainstream Hollywood for making almost every story into a love story?

And yes the movie he tainted is Australia. Not awful, but far from worth eight bucks.

Jealousy will get you no where

2008-11-21T19:22:00.005-05:00

So I've been thinking about a lot of stuff recently. Mostly about how I view myself and I'm a pretty jealous and untrusting person.

I've been spending a lot of time with a girl that I met earlier this semester. No, we're not going out (at least not yet), but I've been trying not to make the same mistakes with her that I've made with other girls. The first time we were hanging out together alone I straight up told her that I liked her, but I wanted to get to know her better (thank you Matt Cohen), so we've been hanging out a lot, and it's been really good, but it's also showed me how much I still have to work on.

On Wednesday after ACF she was talking to a guy that I didn't really know that well, and to be honest I wasn't happy about it. I was jealous. Not because of how she looked at or acted with him or anything but because of my own insecurities. I have a very poor view of myself. My thought with any girl I liked has always been "She's great. She deserves better than me." Which is probably true, but that never thinking I'm good enough, not just for girls but for a lot of things, has really taken it's toll on me. I let my insecurities dictate the way I view a situation. I'm not jealous because he's a great guy (even though he is). I'm jealous because I look down on myself.

A couple days ago I was cleaning out my desk and I found a piece of paper from high school. In tenth grade I did this "stress management" thing with my guidance counselor and about eight other people. The underlying reasons why we get stressed over school work or home situations or whatever. For me it was about how I view myself and what I do. Most of my memories that really stand out are all the stupid or foolish things I've done, so many times I associate myself with those actions. Anyways this piece of paper was from that stress management group. On day we all had like 5 or 6 heart shaped pieces of paper that we wrote something about or for another person in the group. This paper said: "If only you could see yourself as others see you!" And my immediate thought was that if people saw me the way I saw me or knew the things that I knew about myself then they wouldn't think of me as such a good guy.

Once I told of friend of mine that I was a huge jerk. I didn't really tell her why. It was because a number of different things that I had done or handled poorly, but she didn't believe me. She said that I was a good guy. She only said that because she didn't know what I had done, but at the same time I think of myself poorly because I choose to dwell on the negative things I've experienced. Why is that?

Why do I choose to dislike myself? I used to confuse humility with a having a low self view. Prideful people hold themselves in high regard and think that they are better than other people, so to be humble we need to be the opposite of that right? FALSE. I know that's not true now, but I still look down on myself. I don't know why. I don't care if you read this. I told one of my roommates that he should blog, and he said he couldn't because he didn't want to write for other people and try to sound so holy or critical or whatever. I don't care if you read this because I don't write for you. I write for my own benefit and to help myself think through things. I invite you to read if you want as an opportunity to learn how to open up to more people and for God to open doors for us. That's all. Hallelujah. Amen. You are dismissed.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Just give me something to believe

2008-11-10T00:10:00.003-05:00

So I've basically been thinking and feeling in song for the past week or so. This past weekend I went canning and for extend periods of time I would just belt out in song the words on the signs around me because no one could here me except me. Anyways my last two posts were lyrics from songs, and this one will include lyrics as well.

Pastor Aaron spoke this morning a little about how people want to believe something. They are searching for something bigger than themselves, and I immediately thought of the song I'm going to post the lyrics for. It's cool because the guys in this band aren't Christians, so it just shows that Pastor Aaron was right.

I've been thinking a lot about the regular shouting matches that go on by the Willard building. The president of the atheist club is there all the time arguing with people even if the Willard preacher isn't around. I wonder if anyone has grabbed coffee with him and simply asked him what he believed without trying to disprove him or win an argument. That's how God uses us to save people. Not by winning a debate, but by a real conversation. By love. I thought about asking the atheist president to lunch to find out what he believes, but I haven't acted on it. Maybe I should. Anyway lyrics are below. Good song. "Believe" by The Bravery.

The faces all around me they don't smile they just crack
Waiting for our ship to come but our ships not coming back
We do have time like pennies in a jar
What are we saving for [x2]

There's a smell of stale feeling that's reeking from my skins
The drinking never stops because the drink absolves our sins
We sit and throw our roots into the floor
What are we waiting for [x2]

[chorus]
So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breathe
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

Somethings always coming you can hear it in the ground
It swells into the air
With the rising
Rising sound
And never comes but shakes the boards and rattles all the doors
What are we waiting for [x2]

[chorus]
So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breath
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

I am hiding from some beast
But the beast was always here
Watching without eyes
Because the beast is just my fear
That I am just nothing
Now its just what I've become
What am I waiting for
Its already done

[chorus]
So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breath
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

Above and Below

2008-11-06T18:49:00.006-05:00

"Above and Below" by The Bravery

Sometimes I feel
Like I wanna leave this place for good
Under the ground
I'll live down there without a sound
And never hear
These hissing voices all the same
I'll disappear
Cause living makes me feel ashamed

I must believe
There's more above us and below
I must believe
Stranded with this bitch called hope
It keeps me here
When all I wanna do is go
It keeps me here
When all I wanna do is disappear

If this is it
When all we have and ever will
If this is it
Time is running out and standing still
I'll leave today
Cause there's nothing left to keep me here
I'll fade away

I'll turn my back and disappear
The city moves
Lunges up right from the ground
The seething Earth
It opens up and spits us out
This vicious child
Nature never wanted us
This vicious child
A cancer burning black into it's heart

If this is it
When all we have and ever will
If this is it
Time is running out and standing still
I'll leave today
Cause there's nothing left to keep me here
I'll fade away
I'll turn my back and disappear

Sometimes I feel
Like I wanna leave this place for good
Under the ground
I'll live down there without a sound
And never hear
These hissing voices all the same
I'll disappear
Cause living makes me feel ashamed

If this is it
When all we have and ever will
If this is it
Time is running out and standing still
I'll leave today
Cause there's nothing left to keep me here
I'll fade away
I'll turn my back and disappear
I'll turn my back and disappear

Nice to know you

2008-11-03T22:18:00.001-05:00

Better than watching Geller bending silver spoons.
Better than witnessing new born nebulas in bloom.
She who sees from 'up high' smiles and surely sings.
Perspective pries her once weighty eyes and it
Gives you wings.

I haven't felt the way I feel today
In so long it's hard for me to specify.
I'm beginning to notice how much this feels
Like a waking limb... in pins and needles,
Nice to know you, good-bye x 4
Nice to know you... to know you

Deeper than the deepest Cousteau would ever go.
Higher than the heights of what we often think we know.
Blessed she who clearly sees the wood for the trees.
To obtain a 'birds eye' is to turn a blizzard to a breeze.

I haven't felt the way I feel today
In so long it's hard for me to specify.
I'm beginning to notice how much this
Feels like a waking limb... pins and needles,
Nice to know you, Good-bye x4
Nice to Know You, To know... You

So could it be that it had been there all along?
I haven't felt the way I feel today
In so long it's hard for me to specify.
I'm beginning to notice how much this
Feels like a waking limb... pins and needles,
Nice to know you, Good-bye, x4
Nice to Know YouTo know..You

The price of happiness

2008-11-02T21:47:00.002-05:00

So I've been really feeling like crap lately. Not because of any sickness or anything just relationship stuff and me being an idiot. A little while ago I wrote about my struggles with maintaining some relationships, and it hasn't gotten any better. I really haven't handled things well. Basically I've just been completely avoiding these people, and the scary thing is I feel like everything is better without them.

At this point I don't really know what to do. I don't want to bring it up to them because either they haven't really thought of it as a big deal or they've been waiting for me to say something, but honestly I don't know what to say. If they have noticed and haven't or won't say anything then what does that say about our friendship? The worst part is, I don't think I want them to say anything. Because again I don't what I would say. "I've been trying to avoid you the past month or so, and I'm doing and feeling a lot better without you?" I just want them out of my life, so I don't have to see them and try to avoid them or try to block them out of my mind when I start thinking about them. All of this has really been bothering me.

Should we really be able to say to someone I don't want to care about you anymore, especially as a christian? Should i really be continuing to avoid these people for my own happiness? I understand that sometimes you need to take a step back from a relationship, but I don't want to start this over again. I want this to end. I just want to stop caring about them, and whenever I think about them, I hate myself for the way I am handling and thinking about this. What am I supposed to do?

Because of his grace and for his glory.

A heavenly heaven

2008-10-27T22:57:00.004-04:00

So ACF held our retreat this past weekend. It was pretty sweet. I hadn't really gotten a chance to know any of the freshmen yet, but I did at the retreat and of course Matt Cohen was sharing with us, but there was one thing that kind of bugs me. It's about what Matt said Saturday morning or more about what he didn't say.

Saturday morning he was talking about heaven and how most view heaven compared to how the bible describes heaven. The part that has been bothering me was he said about the up in the clouds kind of heaven that most people think of is boring and dull, and then he went on to read from revelation about what heaven will really be like. All I thought for the rest of that time was how screwed up our view of heaven and of God is.

When we die we get to have a perfect relationship with God and spend eternity worshiping him. That's AWESOME!!! I could care less about my perfected body or the new earth or the capital city 1,000 miles high and 1,000 miles wide. It's not the place, heaven, that makes it paradise, but the heavenly state we will be in of being able to spend eternity in a right relationship with God and with NO SIN!!! No matter what the surroundings are, that is going to be amazing. It's good to know what heaven will be like, but I could care less if it's the new earth heaven, the cloudy heaven, or any other heaven you can imagine. We should be excited about going to heaven because we finally get to restore our relationship with God because that is what's going to make heaven heavenly.

Because of his grace and for his glory

Love with Reckless Abandon

2008-10-17T00:02:00.002-04:00

It's been a pretty interesting week at ACF.

After Pastor called an "audible" on Sunday and decided not to do the outreach sermon he prepared this past Sunday, a lot of people were left confused. On Wednesday Aaron shared more about what was going on and what he was feeling. In our small group, Chase brought up how there is just a lack of a desire to see people saved, and we talked about why that is if it's true at all (and I believe it is absolutely true. I think the answer is simple.

We don't have a burning desire to see people saved because we don't really love them the way we should.

If your best friend is not a Christian and you love them then should there salvation be of great concern to you? Because ultimately no matter what other way you may show your love for them or show that you care for them if you aren't concerned about their soul then the rest doesn't matter. If we want to support them in their relationships and their work and whatever else then why don't we want to help them work out their salvation? Isn't that so much more important? If we really love them then shouldn't we be willing to throw off our own inhibitions and insecurities to help them?

I think one of the biggest problems is in our constitution. Freedom of religion is a trap. It says that it's okay for people to believe and follow whatever they want, but that's absolutely not true. It's not okay for people to turn away from God. It's not okay for us to reject the truth. If you believe that Jesus is the truth than you can't just be satisfied with letting people believe what ever they want. you can't tolerate the practicing of other religions because if you do then you don;t really care about that person. Now I'm not saying we need to make Christianity the only acceptable religion to practice (even though it is) or that we should persecute people who aren't Christians, but we do need to go after people by loving with a reckless abandon.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

The Sparrow and The Crow

2008-10-09T23:15:00.002-04:00

So i've posted a couple times about some of my favorite bands that nobody knows about because most of the stuff I listen to is really obscure. One of my favorite artists of all time released a new album on September 30th, and I've probably listened to it at least 20 times. It's pretty much amzaing. I thought his first two cd's were good, but this one is incredible. The cd is "The Sparrow and The Crow" by William Fitzsimmons. Not only is the music really good, but I love how he plays off his old songs.

The last song on his second cd is "After All" and the first song on this cd is "After After All", and on the second cd he had a song "Good night", now he has a song "Good Morning". If you didn't check him out last time I wrote about him you definitely should now. The first three songs on his myspace are new songs.

http://www.myspace.com/williamfitzsimmons

Time to call it quits

2008-10-03T23:33:00.002-04:00

Have you ever tried to stop being friends with someone? It kind of sucks. Especially when you still see them around a good bit. I'm kind of at the point with some people where I don't want to be friends with them. Not because of enything that they did or said, but because I don't want to care about them anymore. I know this sounds stupid and I feel stupid about feeling this way, but it's just a way I feel.

I love taking care of peopl. I love knowing what's on people's hearts and be able to share their burdens and be there for them, but sometimes it just takes too much out of me to even get some people to that point. There are some people that I clearly care for more than they care about me, and for the most part that doesn't really bother me that much, but I just wish I didn't for them as much. I wish that I ddn't get as frustrated when they refuse to talk to me or don't call me back. I wish I didn't love them, so I'm trying not to love them less, but to love them in a way that doesn't cost me so much. Is that right? If we really love someone shouldn't we be willing to give them everything? Should we really be able to say I love you just enough so I don't get hurt? It's true that there are some people I wish I didn't love, but I do love them, and I can't stop loving them. No matter how hard I try, so what do I do? Give them everything until I can't takt it anymore? Back off and let them make a move?

"This house is full of secrets that
i have kept from her for far too long
i hope i make it through the day
my conduct should be suspect and my
intentions should be checked buy i'm too
involved in making plans for my soul

her heart is full of kindness that she's
given away and now she is tired
of all the parts of life that she made
she tries to help out everyone
but i can only help myself
i question whether she knows she's saved

i hope you find it
cause i could not find it in me

i can't say when i'll leave you for good
my selfish heart hopes you don't go first
God knows i couldn't make it one day
i'll ask that you find someone to help
like you treated me like you were myself
you broke your back to make it okay
these parts of life that i cannot hold
you carry me along with your load
you're more than i could ever repay

i hope you find it cause i could not find it in me" -"Find it in me" ny William Fitzsimmons

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Hand of God

2008-09-30T00:54:00.002-04:00

Jeremy Casella is a stud. If you haven't heard of him you should. Voted 4th best album of 2007 by Christian Today. He's pretty much the source of calm in the storm that is my life right now.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=55134718

"Hand of God" (probably one of the best songs on piano ever unfortunately he doesn't have it up on his myspace):

She's not the kind of girl
Who lies and tells you nothing's wrong
She'll open up her hand
And heal you with her holy song

She's the long forgotten secret seldom told
She's the fire in your blood that's burning
Aching while you're growing old

She's the truth
Wrapped up in tears
She's the beauty
For all your fear
And she sings, nobody holds you like the hand of God
like the hand of God,like the hand of God.

I was cold and desperate for her love
Tossed in the storm that living brings
I didn't know my name
Until she gave me shelter in her wings

She's the long forgotten secret seldom told
She's the fire in your blood that's burning
Aching while you're growing old

She's the truth
Wrapped up in tears
She's the beauty
For all your fear
And she sings, nobody holds you like the hand of God
like the hand of God,like the hand of God.

Where are you?Where are you? Where are you now?

Back at One

2008-09-22T23:21:00.002-04:00

I was at work today, and I was working in the dish room. I think it's one of the better jobs because you get to actually work with other people and you can play music while you work. Well, on of the songs that came on was "Back at One" by Brian McKnight which reminded me of something that I've been thinking of and wanting to write about, but one reason I didn't write about was the lack of a good title. I know it's a lame excuse, but still.

I've been thinking a lot about the foundation or fundamentals of Christianity. I guess I wasn't really thinking about them, but more about how we view them. I think so many times, especially in my own life, we want closure. We want to feel progress. We want to say that we've moved beyond the basics.This couldn't be further from the truth. As far as our faith is concerned we will never be able to move past the basics and say "I've got that down." If we do say that then we're lying to ourselves and probably missing something pretty important.

I've been thinking about this because I've gotten so far from thinking about the basics and it's not going too well. One thing in particular stuck out to me and convicted be to go back to the beginning.

Recently one of my good friends has been going through some rough times with another friend of his, and I was glad. Not because I could see how things would end up better or whatever, but because, for a myriad of different reasons, I wasn't comfortable with their relationship and what was going on. Some of you know what I'm talking about, but don't know that I'm talking about. I wish I could explain more, but this isn't the time or place to do so. I need to talk to them first, but jealousy is destructive.

You would think that if we were able to move beyond the fundamentals that jealousy would be one of the first things to go. I mean I've got Jesus what could anyone else possibly have that could compare to that, and yet here I am. I guess I'll start back at one.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Blue, White, and Green?

2008-09-11T00:08:00.003-04:00

I was at work today, well I guess technically it was yesterday, and I was making sandwiches. While one of the cooks was telling everything that went on the sandwiches and everything he mentioned that we had to tack off the twisty ties on the bread bags to recycle the plastic bag which we had never done before. This got me thinking about all the changes Penn State and a lot of other places have made to become more green. At work I typically have a lot of time to think because I typically work by myself especially when I'm doing something like making sandwiches, sure other people are around, but they're busy doing other things.

Anyways, I've had enough of this "going green" crap. I'm all for taking care of the environment. I mean we do live here not to mention the fact that it was created by God just as we were. Maybe not in his image, but definitely an expression of his love and who he is.

Probably the main reason I'm sick of it is because all of a sudden everyone is suddenly so conscience of environment and how we need to take care of it, but most people don't really care about it. At least not the people you yell at you from their balcony five stories above you. You're probably thinking there's a story there and there is, so I'll pause to tell it. Chase and I were taking out the garbage from our apartment, we had recently done major cleaning, and some girls were out on their balcony. They yelled down to us and we talked with them for a little then one of them say that we were throwing away an old disgusting mop, and one of them said, "Why are you throwing away a mop? Go green."

Anyways going green will never really work. It may work in some ways especially short term, but it won't stick mainly because it's not addressing the real problem, people's wasteful attitudes. It's like our sin. Many times if we are struggling with something we just avoid that temptation at all cost instead of dealing with the heart issue that leads to that sin.

Anyways, you may say that going green is working. That people are realizing how wasteful they are and are changing. To that I would say, spend 4 hours in a Penn State dining commons dish room, or a similar dining facility and you'll see how "green" we really are.

Time for Plan B

2008-09-09T00:31:00.003-04:00

I haven't taken the time to write in awhile partly because I've been really busy. The first couple weeks of school are always hard because I don't really transition well, and I've done a really poor job at keep in touch, but this year it doesn't look like things are going to get any easier.

I've been thinking a lot about an interesting conversation that was held between many of the counselors at Summer's Best. It was about whether or not God intended for man to sin. Was the fall part of God's plan?

A lot of people focused in on free will and how we screwed up and the general consensus from most of the counselors was that God had a plan for if the fall didn't happen and a plan for if the fall did (which in case you didn't know, it did, and He knew it would). I have two huge beefs with this.

First I find it hard to believe that we can thwart God. Especially in something a big as the fall. Even if there are multiple plans I don't believe we have the power to stop any of an omnipotent God's plans.

Second and probably more important: I refuse to believe that Jesus was plan b. You could argue that neither plan was better than the other, but by default because one plan involved us screwing up the other would be better (at least in our limited understanding). But I just can not accept Jesus as the safety plan for if/ when we screw up, and looking at it from God's view, if both plans are equal I still refuse to believe that there could have been an alternative to Jesus especially one as good as Him.

What everyone was saying when they decided that God had two plans was that they were afraid of being wrong. They held their own understanding and their own opinion in such high regard that they couldn't commit to one side or the other for fear of being wrong. It's good to understand things, but apart from Jesus it's almost unnecessary. Most things like this when we discuss God's reasons or plans we will never know because if we knew we would be God, and we clearly aren't. It's fun to talk about it. I enjoy it, but we shouldn't be so concerned with being right because it doesn't really matter if your right. All that matters is God's truth no matter how little of an understanding we have of it.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Cause and Effect

2008-08-26T16:17:00.002-04:00

It's incredible how we can impact some one's life without meaning to, and many times without know it.

Earlier today I was catching up with Kenny who was visiting State College today, and a girl from my high school sees us and comes over to say hello and talk for a little. I hadn't talked to let alone seen her in two years and our relationship "ended" on not the best of terms, and yet she wanted to come over and talk and said she wanted to catch up.

Now it's not like I barely knew her or anything. In high school she was one my best female friends. We went through some rough times and she really helped me out through a lot of things, but something happened between us that made her, despite our separation want to hang out again. Something impacted her enough and was meaningful enough to where she valued that beyond our arguments and unfortunate "end" to our friendship.

If you read my first blog I kind of wrote about a similar thing with a friend of mines baby Hannah Gloria. She is still always present in my mind, and I am happy to say that
Scott and Anna, Hannah's parents, have had another baby. A year and a day after Hannah's death. I've never even met either of them yet they have had a tremendous impact on my life.

God is so awesome that he can work in us and through us without us even knowing. That's pretty sweet.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

I can't do this anymore

2008-08-21T12:26:00.002-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about my future. I thought I had a solid plan of what I would be doing the next couple years. I was going to get an internship next summer, graduate, go to Africa for a couple years then come back and find a job, but now that plan is out the window.

Being back at camp this past summer really instilled a desire and a calling to be back there next year which then messes up my plan for an internship and I might stay at school an extra semester, and then Africa has been heavy on my heart, so at this point it takes priority, so whenever I get over there could just completely change everything.

When I first began to realize that God had other plans in mind I was nervous and kind of upset. I thought my plans fitted perfectly, and that everything was going to work out, but now I have no clue what's next.

At camp we give competition talks to the kids and talk about how we integrate our faith into competition and things like that. God used one of the comp talks I gave to convict me and work on my heart. I find he does that a lot. When I talk and write and give advice I'm being convicted of my own short comings at the same time.

Anyways I talked about how I hate hearing kids saying "I can't " during competitions and activities and stuff. I said, " The way we play the game reflects on us, and what motivates us and what our focus is on. The way we play the game is a reflection on our parents and how we were raised. The way we play the game is a reflection on God, and when we say we can't what we're really saying is that God isn't enough. That the ability to walk and run that He's given us isn't enough. That his grace isn't enough. That Jesus isn't enough."

Now replace "the way we play the game" with "the way we live our lives." Now obviously just because we are Christians and God strengthens us doesn't mean we can do anything. I can't compete at an Olympic level, I can't run a marathon without training, but when we say we can't do something that God is calling us to do what we really say is we don't trust Him, that we don't think He is enough.

When God was changing my plans my first thought was "I can't." There are too many question marks, too many things up in the air, too many obstacles. I just don't want to try, but what I forgot was not my faith in God, but God's faith in me. He knows what I'm capable of better than anyone else. He knows how much I can take beyond my own thoughts. If God is calling me to something then He believes I can do it, and if He thinks I can even knowing all of my short comings and inadequacies shouldn't I be able to believe him and believe myself.

I hope this isn't new to you.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Time I Understood

2008-08-01T16:46:00.003-04:00

" Time I Understood" by Wavorly

As I’m building up this house
I wonder what of it will stay
It seems You just take things away
And I’ll admit I shouldn’t say these things
But I have got to hear from You somehow

Does this have a point to it?
God, I wish I could hear You
You said You’d help me through this
I wish You didn’t have to

Why did You take this away?
I wanted it
Show me that there is no need to be afraid
Can I move on now that it’s gone?

As I travel down this road
I wonder if I should turn home
All this time I’ve felt alone
My head in my hands
Where were You when I was in need?

And I look back to find You chasing me
Sometimes I try and I miss the point of it
It’s about time we die…we’re not down here for us

As You’re tearing down this house
There is only one thing I can say
I’m so glad You take away
And I’ll admit things worked out for the good
And it’s about time I understood

Love is a Movement

2008-07-29T00:32:00.002-04:00

So I got back from vacation a couple hours ago.

It was pretty sweet. Relaxing time with 80% of the family. Nothing major happened except for a few random things some frustrating some just interesting, but the best thing that happened had nothing to do with me.

I like watching people. Sometimes it worries me, but most of the time I like to watch people scurry around to whatever they have planned as if it's the most important thing in the world. You can learn a lot about a person just by watching them and seeing how the react to things. During vacation there were a couple parts of conversation that I heard that really stood out to me.

The first was in Niagara falls in one of the gift shops. Two employees were standing there talking about.. well I don't really know what they were talking about. All I heard was "because the Bible says." Pretty sweet.

The second was just outside of Buffalo, New York at an Applebee's at 10:00 at night. We were leaving after having dinner. Why we were having dinner that late is another story entirely, but as we were leaving, in the last booth before the door, a girl, probably about my age, was talking with her parents, and again all I heard was "We've been talking about how we present the gospel."

Something I've been noticing more and more is how God has been opening my eyes and ears to the work he is doing. a couple months ago I probably wouldn't have heard what those people said, or even if I did it wouldn't have ingrained itself in my mind like it did. I feel like God has big things planned. That He's just starting to get us ready.

At camp during the second term I was working with 9 and 10 year olds. A lot of fun, but you typically don't get as many opportunities to enter into deep conversation with them about their spiritual lives. On the last day of camp literally less than an hour before their parents come to pick them up, one of the guys, Fox (yes his real name is Fox), asked if he could share his testimony. If that wasn't awesome enough, after he was done everyone started talking about God and what He's meant to them and asking questions and answering each others questions, and the best part about it was neither myself nor my co-counselor had to say a word. We didn't have to lead the discussion. They lead it on their own. I was so overwhelmed by the glory of God during that time that I had to walk away for a little just praising God. If that's not a sign then I don't know what is.

Get ready for a revolution.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Pushing the Envelope

2008-07-22T22:49:00.003-04:00

So I was driving back from Erie today from visiting my sister, and I passed at least six cops on the road. I don't know why there were that many, but after the first couple I watched my speed closer which got me thinking about how fast we drive.

I'm not talking about speeding and why we obey some laws but not others, but have you ever wondered why it's standard to at least drive the speed limit. Isn't it just the maximum speed your supposed to drive not the exact speed everyone needs to be going? I understand we all have places to be and sometimes we need to get there in a certain time, but we don't always need to go that fast sometimes it's nice to slow down and enjoy the drive.

We're constantly doing this. Seeing how far we can push our body. Testing how quickly we can get things done. Seeing how much skin we can show without being inappropriate or looking like a slut. Constantly pushing the limits.

Why?

What do we gain from pushing the boundaries? From testing what we can get away with?

That's pretty much all I wanted to say.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Right but Wrong

2008-07-20T21:17:00.002-04:00

I just realized how long it's been since I've last posted. It's not like there hasn't been anything going on. Tons of things have gone on/are going on. I've just either been at camp without a computer or not really wanting to write. Anyways I'm writing now.

Camp has been incredible this summer. God has really moved in big ways, and has revealed more about himself to me. Sometimes I think God likes showing off.

One of the things he's shown me is how when I'm in tune with God and pursuing him with everything I am then often my desires coincide with his will. I'll use a couple examples to explain a little, and let you know what's been going on the past month.

First, I want to go back to Africa, probably more than anything else, but I had no clue how or when. Well I still don't know how or when, but when I've had the chance to slow down and listen for God he's been pulling my heart towards Africa. Several times I've had to leave my cabin because God was just breaking my heart over everything that's going on over there, and I didn't want my campers to think anything was wrong because I was crying.

I don't want to go back to Africa to try to fix everything over there. I want to go because of how close to God I was there and the love for the people I've interacted with there, the love that God has placed within me. God breaking my heart over the poverty and corruption and war in Africa, I believe, was a sign that he wants me there. Maybe not now, but soon.

By now your probably thinking what "Right but Wrong" has to do with anything I'm writing about. It's been my experience recently that when we think we know what God has planned for us we may be right , but we may also be wrong. God may want us at the college we're at. He may want us to give up everything we have and move to a third world country, but we probably think he plans that for us for some reason, but he has another reason, another purpose in mind.

Take Jesus for example. A lot of people thought he was some political leader and king coming to overthrow the roman empire and reestablish the Jewish kingdom. They were right, but they were also wrong.

God may want me to go back to Africa, but he may not want me to go back to Malawi. I feel like I'm being called there for a long period of time. Like a couple years, but it may be longer or shorter, and I have no clue as to what God's specific purpose for me there is.

I guess I'm kind of rambling and not tying my thoughts together very well, but I want to share one more thing.

I've really struggled with whether it's in God's plan for me to have a wife, or even if I want to have a wife, but God placed a girl in my life. Okay so we'll probably never get married or even date, but she helped show me why marriage is so important and why I hope it's part of his plan for me.

One night a group of people from camp were getting together to watch a movie outside with a projector and screen. So we all got our sleeping bags , and everything setup, but we couldn't get it to work, so we just hung out and talked, I spent several hours just talking with her, the girl I was talking about before. It was amazing. Just being able to lay there and talk and share our hearts. That's all I want from marriage. To be totally open and insecure with another person, but I don't need a wife for that. I've always felt like I don't need a wife or many times even want one. I may be right, but I'm more than likely also wrong. While some people never marry there is a need placed within us to have interaction and deep meaningful connections with other people. God didn't create us to be alone. More to come later.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Terrifyingly Huge

2008-06-20T16:32:00.002-04:00

I feel like that pretty much describes my year pretty well. Especially my time at camp so far.

Terrifyingly huge.

I've been blessed beyond belief. Almost to the point to where I feel overwhelmed. I've been given so many blessings, and now I have a number of great opportunities to share those blessings with others and really build into others.

I'm excited about the fall. Living in an apartment with four other awesome guys, getting to serve as a head trustee with a stellar crew, and I'm really looking forward to continuing the work God has started at school, but right now I'm at camp, and eveything just keeps going.

I already feel a lot more comfortable and confident in my role as a camp counselor, but so far this summer has been amazing. I've been really challenged and I've connected with campers and other counselors even more than I could have hoped, and now here comes first term.

For each term we have 16 coaches, 8 for each team half guys half girls. Last year I didn't get to coach, and coming into this year I didn't really know if I wanted to. Before each term we tell leadership which cabins we want to be in, if there is anyone we want to be co-counselors with, and if we want to coach. I just told them that I would do whatever they needed.

Well, I found out this morning that the needed a Head Galation coach, so now I'm it. I have now idea what I'm doin or what to expect. I'm completely humbled by all the opportunities God has given, and I am completely inadequate.

It's going to be terrifyingly huge.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

We we get crunk for Jesus

2008-05-27T10:50:00.003-04:00

So I leave for camp tomorrow which means I won't be able to write as often, and when I write it will probably be something about camp. I'm pumped to get back to camp. I didn't really want to leave, but I did.

After every meal while we're cleaning up and waiting to be dismissed there are a number of chants, songs, and games that begin in the dining hall at camp. My favorite is (of course) "We we get crunk for Jesus". Everybody at one table stands up, pounds on the table, and shouts "We we get crunk for Jesus" three times then asks "Do you get crunk for Jesus?" and passes it to the next table. Just so we're clear, the original definition of getting crunk is getting really excited and pumped up.

So why don't we get crunk for Jesus?

I have met a hand full of people who do, but most Christians aren't excited about their Lord and savior, or at least they don't show it. Why?

If we truly believe that the Bible is God's word and it really is holy then why aren't we excited to read it every chance we get?

If we have even the slightest idea of how far we've fallen, and know that we're still loved and forgiven then why aren't we bursting with joy and longing to tell everyone?

If we really believe that God is our father and He listens and talks with us then why do we hesitate when someone asks for a volunteer to pray?

If we really believe in God's grace and his power then why aren't we excited and ready to carry out his will, and be a part of his work?

I don't pretend have any answers. I just pose questions.

I recently watched the new Narnia movie "Prince Caspian", and probably the best part of that movie is when Lucy and Susan are talking and Susan asks "Why didn't I see Aslan (slash Jesus )?" and Lucy replies "Maybe you didn't really want to."

Do we really want to see Jesus in our lives?

There are a lot of questions to be asked, and a lot of them we may never know the answer to. All I know is I'm a child of God. Shouldn't that be enough?

Because of his grace and for his glory.

I Thought I Had Died

2008-05-26T23:21:00.000-04:00

Never thought that I could be anyone or anything,
Couldn't stand the rising of the sun,
But still I rose and walked the streets,
Too afraid to stop my heartbeat,
Even though I thought about it some,
All the things that used to be
So beautiful became empty,
And all I had was just the memory

I thought I had died, I was alone,
'Til you found me here and brought me back home
I thought I had died, was caught in the flood,
'Til you lifted me up, out of my grave and into the sun

Maybe I'm the only one,
But I wonder if it's everyone,
Pain is part of being born,
Hope is more than just a dream,
And love is more than anything,
And I believe in kingdom come,
Victims or victories,
I was blind but now I see,
The world was made for more than tragedy

I thought I had died, I was alone,
'Til you found me here and brought me back home
I thought I had died, was caught in the flood,
'Til you lifted me up, out of my grave and into the sun

Graveyards with Grandma

2008-05-25T21:40:00.002-04:00

It's been a unique weekend. Plenty of good things going on, some not good things, and some things that are just weird.

Friday night and Saturday I got to hang out with friends from school at Kate's house and Cedarpoint. It was awesome. The thing that I hate about summer is that I don't get to see people that much especially since I'm working at camp, but at the same time I love camp and wish I'd have stayed. I wish I could things at once. That way I could hang out with people and stuff and still be at camp. Sunday was pretty good too. I got to see some friends from home and play a game of softball. Then I went to my aunt and uncle's house to have dinner with them and my cousins and their babies.

Babies are so small. It's crazy. I look at myself and I'm like "there's no way I was that small", but I was. It's just weird to think about how much I've grown and changed. Sometimes I don't notice how much I've changed because it's been such a gradual process. Anyways on to what I really wanted to write about.

Friday afternoon I took my Grandmother out to her sister's, parents', and first husband's ( my grandfather's) graves to put flowers out. It took a while because they were at different cementaries, but I didn't mind. I like driving.

Anyways my grandmother continually surprises me. After visiting her sister's grave she says to me: "This may all seem pointless to you, but it means a lot to me." It wasn't the fact that it was her who said it, but I just wasn't expecting it. I wasn't bored, and I don't think I was acting like it was pointless because it's really not. While we do need to move on when we lose someone we shouldn't forget them or caste their memory aside.

Later in the day we stopped where a friend of her's lived the last time they talked which seemed to be several months if not a couple years. So I go up to the door and knock and ask for Jane Janey, and luckily she still lived there. She was so excited to see my grandmother. Even though we couldn't stay and talk just to see my grandmother was just a huge blessing to her.

A lot of times I lose sight of how much it means to be able to spend time with friends. It's always like well I'll see you later or talk to you soon. A lot of the time I lose that sense of importance. I don't cherish it. It's just something that will always be there. I lose the appreciation of that blessing, and here this 80 some year old lady with all kinds of problems can't even spend time with her friend, but is calling me a blessing for driving her there.

I don't really know what I'm saying, but I just felt like writing about it.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Open Coast

2008-05-25T12:12:00.001-04:00

Stretched across this continent I'm home.
Boston to Los Angeles I'll roam.
I've fallen in love with each coast for a reason.
These reasons so rooted I can't choose between them.
No.

Pacific's coast is so open.
You ain't seen it's waters; you ain't seen the ocean.
I'm trying so hard here I can hardly keep up.
I'm breaking my back, but it's barely enough…for you.

Home is where the heart is,and my heart I gave to you.
Wherever you may lead I will follow suit.

Oh snap, I love camp

2008-05-23T07:40:00.003-04:00

For those of you who might not know, I'm working at Summer's Best Two Weeks again this summer, and I've already been at camp for a week.

The first week that counselors show up is called Ruddy week where all we do is start cleaning up camp and getting things ready for orientation and ultimately the campers.

I guess it's a combination of already having been there and the people that were there this past week, but I already feel more comfortable and closer to more people than I did last year. It was almost as hard for me to leave there as it was for me to leave Penn State.

You're killing me Spills.

Ruddy week is probably one of my favorite weeks at camp because you doing manual labor which is always fun for me, there aren't as many people there as any other time, so you really interact more with those people, and your evenings are basically free, so we get to hang out a lot together unlike when campers are around and we don't really hang out at all.

And of course after spending time at another place and getting close to a whole different group of people I'm even more confused about what I want than when I left Penn State. I'm just ridiculous. I'll go through this cycle pretty frequently of not knowing what I want because I want several different things each with their own upsides and downsides.

The one thing that I don't like about Ruddy week is that most of the people there will be working at the other camp, so I won't really see them as much over the summer. While I grow closer to the new people coming in that I'll be working with, and they grow closer to their people we'll grow farther apart.

Some people who worked that week aren't even going to be counselors, so I'm pretty curious to find out what God's purpose in putting them in my life for a week and maybe never again is.

It's legit. Too legit to quit.

Payback

2008-05-14T21:28:00.003-04:00

I wasn't a bad kid.

At least I don't think so. I tried not to be a brat and I didn't get into too much trouble. I did have some anger issues which sometimes made things interesting, but I wasn't horrible. My parents might not agree though.

Even though I haven't always expressed it well I am extremely grateful for everything my parents have done for me. It's amazing how much they have sacrificed for me, and I want to repay them somehow. Part of how I will judge how successful I am is whether or not I will be able to take care of my parents when they're too old to do it themselves (which might not be too much longer, sorry had to do it).

Anyways, this week I've kinda had the opportunity to see what that might be like.

Sometime last week or so my mom feel and messed up a ligament in her right arm, and she had to get surgery. Her surgery was on Monday and so she hasn't been able to do much, not even make her own food or get drinks. On top of her not being able to use her right arm, her pain medication was making her sick, so she was even more incapacitated then any other normal surgery.

And since my dad works and my brother goes to school I've had to take care of her for a couple days. It wasn't bad. It's not like it's the first time I've had to take care of someone. After all I am a camp counselor, I've dealt with some pretty ridiculous and sick kids.

I'm excited for camp. I leave tomorrow. I miss my kids. I can't wait to have some of my own. Even with all the sacrifices I'll have to make. It'll be amazing.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Confession

2008-05-11T20:37:00.002-04:00

Forgive me father for I have sinned.

I have sinned against my neighbors and I have sinned against you. I am so unworthy of your love. All I ever do is turn my back to you and spit in you face.

Forgive me father for I have coveted my neighbors relationships. Help to me to rely on you and be satisfied with your blessings.

Forgive me father for I have lied. Give me the mind of Christ, so that your truth will forever be on my lips.

Forgive me father for I have failed to love your children. Break my heart for what breaks yours.

Forgive me father for holding idols in my life. Show me your glory, so i can understand that you only are worthy of praise.

Forgive me father for I have lusted. Purify me and wash me clean, so I can reflect your love better.

Forgive me father for thinking that you are not strong enough. Break me down again, so you can reveal to me your strength.

Forgive me father for gossiping. Tame this evil in my mouth which I can not control and make it yours.

Forgive me father for thinking that I can do it on my own. Guide me and give me the wisdom to always turn to you.

Forgive me father for I have sinned.
Amen.

I hope you can forgive me too.

One thing

2008-05-10T00:40:00.002-04:00

If there is only one thing that you could take away from this semester what would it be? a new friend? a difficult lesson? a great experience?

For me it would be the joy that I've found in being used.

Last year, through the summer, and into the beginning of this year was really difficult for me mainly because I felt worthless. I couldn't see how God was using me and honestly thought that he had cast me aside for a while.

Even over the summer, surrounded by kids and great opportunities to be effective for Christ I felt like I wasn't having an impact on anyone. I love little kids, but I really struggled with how to communicate my faith to them.

Anyways, God really worked on my heart during the fall semester, and showed me what he was doing and some things he had planned for me. He really opened my eyes to some awesome opportunities he's given to share my faith and encourage other Christians.

I've found the confidence in Christ from what he has done in my life that I felt like I was missing before. I've had conversations and done things that I know came from the Holy Spirit because there is know way I would have known what to say or what to do on my own.

It feels so good to be used.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Goodbye

2008-05-09T09:36:00.003-04:00

I'm not one for goodbyes. Partly because I usually don't miss people. I've never really missed my family or friends or anybody else for that matter.I'm not sure why, but I guess it's because I'm always looking forward to what God has in store for me next that I don't reflect on where I've been and the people that are no longer around.

Well this semester I said goodbye to more people than probably ever before, and some people I said goodbye to multiple times. Why? I don't know, but there are still a lot of people I wish I could have said goodbye to, but I didn't get the chance. Especially the seniors.

Last year was easier to leave because I didn't really know any of the seniors that well, but this year I did.

So this is my goodbye.

I probably won't miss you too much, but I'm sure I'll think of you every once in a while and miss you for a couple minutes.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

You set my toilet ablaze

2008-05-04T17:52:00.002-04:00

So with finals approaching I feel even less inclined to do work than usual. Some of my friends either don't have finals or don't care, so they want to hang out which makes studying even more difficult, but this weekend was amazing. It was probably the best weekend before finals ever, so I thought I'd share some experiences and what I learned from the weekend.

1. Dance Parties.

While if given the choice between having a dance party and just hanging out with people most of the time I will choose hanging out, dance parties are still amazing. They are even more amazing when somebodies parents are there dancing and talking and truly enjoying themselves. Thank you Mr and Mrs Webb.

2. The right person

The right person can make any situation better, especially the right girl. Even if I feel really depressed and crappy, with the right people around me everything feels so much better, and I'm no longer worried or stressed out (at least for a little while).

3. Fun with chairs

While a normal chair may not be terribly exciting, if you light one on fire it can provide you with endless entertainment. Sitting in, jumping over, and walking on burning chairs never gets boring, and is totally worth the bad smelling burnt hairs afterwards.

4. It's never too late

No matter how old you are or how old you feel it's never too late to experience things you never got to do as a kid. Like riding those little merry go rounds in the mall or apparently Walmart.

5. I don't know what I want

There's more to it, but I'll just leave it at that.

6. I'm really excited for next year!!!!

Because of his grace and for his glory

Everyone is sad

2008-05-03T10:12:00.001-04:00

Everyone is sad
Everyone is scared
Everyone has been let down by now
Everyone is empty
Everyone’s bare as bone
Everyone questions all that is real,
But nobody’s answers seem to heal
Anything that hurts
Every time you close your eyes

Everything seems complicated
Nothing makes sense at all
Everyone seems so mistaken
Everyone wants to be whole

Everyone has danced
In their own masquerade
Dressing in smiles
To cover the shame
Everyone’s been broken
Too many times
Everyone wants some reasons why
Nothing seems right
And nobody cares at all

Everything seems complicated
Nothing makes sense at all
Everyone seems so mistaken
Everyone wants to be whole

We all want to live

Everyone has bled
Under their skin
You know we’ve all said
This can’t be the end

My legacy

2008-04-30T15:48:00.002-04:00

How do you want to be remembered?

The past couple weeks on Sundays Pastor Aaron has been talking about David's legacy and what his life looked like, and what our legacies will be. No matter how ineffective or worthless we feel God is going to use us to affect other people either good or bad. And unfortunately some of those people will remember you.

I say it's unfortunate because a lot of times the person can just be a distraction. We look up to people and value other people so much that sometimes they take the place of Jesus. We try to live like them, thinking that they have it all together, and we desire to be like them.

If I affect someone else greatly, I don't want them to see me. I want them to see Jesus.

If someone thinks about a defining moment in their life and faith that I was a part of, I don't want them to remember me. I want them to remember Jesus.

Recently a couple people, some of which I barely know, have tried to encourage me by telling me how much I've affected their lives, but I didn't do anything, and the fact that they remember my involvement, to me, means I didn't do enough, I wasn't reflecting Jesus to them. I was just a distraction.

God doesn't need us to accomplish anything. He likes to include us to show us his glory and share in his joy, but so many times I just get in the way.

If people remember what I said and did and not my name or face, that's okay with me. Because it's the Spirit speaking and God working through me.

How do I want to be remember? What is my legacy?

I just want to be remembered as a tool longing to be used by God.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Dreams

2008-04-29T23:19:00.003-04:00

What do you want out of life?

Do you want to be rich?
Do you want to be famous?
Do you want to be safe?
Do you want to have it easy?

Those dreams are just too small for me.

Do you want to live for yourself?
Do you want to feel loved?
Do you want to be happy?
Do you just want to be better off than you are now?

Those dreams are too small for me.

Do you want all the glory?
Do you want to be noticed?
Do you want to be comfortable?
Do you want to be independent?

Those dreams are just too small for me.

Do you want to be broken?
Do you want to be used?
Do you want persecution?
Do you want to give it all up for someone else?

These dreams are meant for me.

The war starts Tuesday

2008-04-26T17:12:00.002-04:00

So I recently found out that one of my favorite bands changed their name. They used to be Starting Tuesday and now they are The War. I don't really know why they changed their name, but I'm sure there's a story behind it.

I'm not sure which I like better. They didn't change their style too much. They remade one of their songs Satisfied and I definitely like the original version better.

Check them out. If you click on Starting Tuesday you'll go to their website and you can click on Music to hear clips of their songs, or I could let you borrow their CD. If you click The War you'll go to their myspace page where you can listen to their whole CD (only 5 songs).

They're both favorites.

My favorite song of theirs is also the first song I heard by them in Jamaica from someone from Maryland , and the band is from/in South Carolina. Go figure. The song is Armies and Nations:

We stand on top of the world
As if we're all gods casting lots for the nations
The stage is laden in red, the blood of our sons
Look what we've made of creation

Let it all fall down, let it all cave in
It's not till we're broken that we can begin
Let yourself go, let your fears show
It's not till we're open that love can come in

We stand on top of the world
And look at ourselves as if we're something to worship
We may be covered in gold
And shine like the sun
But soon enough we'll be naked

Let it all fall down, let it all cave in
It's not till we're broken that we can begin
Let yourself go, let your fears show
It's not till we're open that love can come in

What is salvation
Without armies and nations?
What is creation
Without armies and nations?
Tell me what is salvation
Without armies and nations?
And tell me what is creation
Without armies and nations?

Let it all fall down, let it all cave in
It's not till we're broken that we can begin
Let yourself go, let your fears show
It's not till we're open that love can come in

Home is just another word for His love

2008-04-22T19:25:00.005-04:00

So my last post didn't really make sense.

I didn't really want it to. I started out just writing whatever and then the last part I thought about a little more and made it rhyme, but what I wrote has really been bugging me recently. I went through this last year too.

When we finally get close to the end of the semester, like when it starts getting nice out, I just want to leave. I guess I realize how long I've been here and feel like I need to get away.

I need change.

Whenever I'm in the same place for too long I need to escape and do something or be somewhere completely different. I don't really know why.

That might be partly why I loved Malawi so much and why I want to go overseas for a couple years.

It was just so different. I was in another country with a different language (yeah most people I interacted with knew English but still), a different culture, and with a group of people I didn't really know before the trip. The trip was awesome anyways but just the fact that I was in a completely new place, I was able to let go and escape everything.

The people I went with will tell you I was two different people in Africa and when we were together here. I don't know why, but I wish I could be like that and feel like I did there here. It felt like home

I don't really have a home.

Like I love my family and everything, but I wouldn't call Wexford my "home". I don't really feel like I belong there. Same with Penn State. I love it here, and I love ACF, but its not really home.

I don't think I'll ever feel like I'm at home until I get to heaven. Until I'm completely wrapped in God's arms and fully submerged in his love.

Hot chicks and hockey sticks

2008-04-20T20:57:00.003-04:00

It's just been one of those days
Where I wish I was someone else
Because I hate who I am
I've just been here for far too long
I need to escape.

All I need is your love
Yet I constantly hide from you
All I want is to be with you
But I'd rather be alone
I have to escape.

Nobody wants me here
I don't belong in this place
Nobody will miss me here
I just want to see your face
You are my escape

Methylenedioxymethamphetamine

2008-04-17T21:59:00.003-04:00

Have you ever had an experience and thought that that's what doing drugs feels like?

I did recently, and it was not expected.

I miss playing trumpet...a lot. I've started listening to jazz and swing again recently and every time I do I'm in such a state of ecstasy. Ask my roommate. He's been there for some of it.

The craziest times happen when I'm listening to Cherry Poppin' Daddies swing cd Zoot Suit Riot. Their trumpet player is so go, and every time he hits a sick note or a sweet lick I just... to be honest I don't think words could do what happens justice.

I don't really know where that feeling comes from. Like I loved playing trumpet, but I wasn't addicted to it or anything. I don't know. Maybe I was.

Just thought I'd share.

Girls&Guys&People

2008-04-16T22:52:00.002-04:00

I don't understand people at all. I really don't. Some people have wondered as to why I've asked them a lot of questions as to why they do things or to explain more about what they think or do. I do that because I don't get people.

I just wish people would say what they think and not hold back, myself included. I've lost some of my best friends because they didn't tell me what was going on. I was just supposed to know. How am I supposed to know?

Do you want me to keep guessing random things until I stumble across the right one?

I can't read people in real life at all.
I can in poker, but when it comes to real situations and real thoughts I'm clueless.

Especially with girls.

Half the time I don't even know when I'm flirting. So if I'm overly flirtatious, and making you uncomfortable I'm sorry. It's not on purpose. I just do what I do.

I don't try to be clever or funny or smart or flirtatious or wise. It's just what happens, I just say whatever. Now, I don't always say everything on my mind because that would really complicate a lot of things, but I wish I could.

And I wish you could too, so why don't you just come right out and say it?

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Passion Play

2008-04-12T01:13:00.005-04:00

As I think I've said before I love music.

Sometimes it puts things into words that I can't.

I started this blog to share my thoughts with people, so I thought why not share my music? In my own opinion I have a "unique" taste in music. I like mostly artists that nobody knows. I would be really surprised if anyone that I know has even heard of more than 2 or 3 of my favorite artists.

OK, so my favorite recently has been this guy William Fitzsimmons. He has purevolume and myspace profiles with some of his songs including my favorite Passion Play. To be honest, sometimes I'm not sure why I like the song. I just do.

I really like his style and how open and real he is. Give him a listen, and let me know what you think.

Passion Play:

I should not have hid where my heart can't follow
Cause this grace gets so far and too hard to swallow.
I've been running from Saul, he's been giving chase.
When I look in his eyes all I see is his face.

Are you still on my back after all these years?
Chasing me out of hell and my nice veneers.
I don't know how you stand when you've got no floor.
Or how you can breathe with your hands on boards.

I just want to be not what I am today
I just want to be better than my friends might say
I just want a small part in your passion play

Do you hear when I call in the midst of wrong?
Do you hear these here words when I sing this song?
Are you caught up in me like I heard you say?
Or just some big cashier that I'll have to pay?

I just want to be not what I am today
I just want to be better than my friends might say
I just want a small part in your passion play

Who am I?

2008-04-09T23:30:00.002-04:00

So I've been wanting to write about this for awhile, but I didn't want to tell people before ACF officially announced it.

For those of you who don't know I was nominated for head trustee for next year.

For most people I think this wouldn't seem like a big deal. The trustees are pretty mysterious. Always hanging out in the back and quietly taking care of business. I doubt that very many people who aren't on leadership, trustee helpers, former trustees, or living with two of the six trustees could name them all.

But let's take a look at the past three head trustees:

C-Will
Kenny
Keith

All awesome leaders, manly men of God, and complete stud muffins. And to be completely honest I felt almost intimidated because of the shoes I have to fill. I kinda felt like Moses when God asked him to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

Who am I?

I was really surprised when Keith called me and told me about the nomination. I can easily name several people who would probably do a better job than me. So why me?

Who am I to lead these people?

I've always had a hard time understanding how other people see me. Especially when they talk about the potential I have. That's probably because most of the things I remember and think about myself have to do with me screwing up. It's sad. I've seen how God has changed me and worked in my life, but I also know I have a long way to go.

As I thought more about what it would mean to "replace" Keith as head trustee God reminded me of a lot of things, especially about how we are to act. I was reminded that I don't have to worry about trying to be like Keith or Kenny or C-Will, but we're all called to be like Jesus. OK so it's not exactly easy to be like Jesus, but I take comfort in the fact that I don't have to compare myself and how I handle my responsibilities to anyone else. I know I've said some of this before, but it's really meant a lot to me recently.

I'm excited to see what God has in store for me and all of Penn State. He's going to do things that you wouldn't believe even if you were told.

Because of his grace and for his glory.