Find it in me

This house is full of secrets that i
have kept from her for far too long
i hope i make it through the day

my conduct should be suspect and my
intentions should be checked but i'm to
involved in making plans for my soul

her heart is full of kindness that she's
given away and now she is tired
of all the parts of life that she made

she tries to help out everyone
but i can only help myself
i question whether she knows she's safe

i hope you find it
cause i could not find it in me

i can't say when i'll leave you for good
my selfish heart hopes you don't go first
God knows i couldn't make it one day

i'll ask that you find someone to help
like you treated me like you were myself
you broke your back to make it okay

these parts of life that i cannot hold
you carry me along with your load
you're more than i could ever repay

i hope you find it
cause i could not find it in me

Come for Me

Sometimes I just want to die. I just want to be done with this life, and get on to the next one.

"Jesus come take me away, I long to see Your face
This world is broken yet beautifully made,
Jesus come take me away
Jesus I’ll patiently wait, till like a vapor I’ll fade
Help me fulfill all your dreams for these days,
Jesus I’ll patiently wait

You’ll come again with a shout,
like a thief in the night you’ll come riding on clouds
Finally the voice I have followed for life
has a glorious face that is lit up with light
And you’ll come for me, no more pain, peace,
No more fear, release
just lost and consumed with my glorious King,

Jesus today I am tired, I need your music to come and inspire
I give myself to be refined in this fire,
but Jesus today I’m so tired

You’ll come again with a shout,
like a thief in the night you’ll come riding on clouds
Finally the voice I have followed for life
has a glorious face that is lit up with light
And you’ll come for me, no more pain, peace,
No more fear, release
just lost and consumed with my glorious King,
Come for me"

Timothy Hay

on a cold December, just before dawn
as the sun said Hello! to the sky
the Mantis prayed while the Lamellicorn
tunneled and rolled in a threadbare tie
while the Holland Lops in the Karakung Glades
indignantly thump their feet and hop away
when they cut their noses on the sharp-tipped blades
(which the grass doesn’t mind in the least)
and there’s a heat-pat waiting in the chicken-wire hutch
where the does from the Netherlands stay

[but that dry alfalfa don’t taste like much
and we’re tired of the Timothy hay]

I touched her back, she was lying facedown
as the dew turned to frost around her eyes,
me and Sister Margaret on the Pentagon lawn
arrested, our wrists in a plastic tie
while the rats by the tracks on these winter days
seeking shelter from the cold make a nest
from the tracts of our various ways
they can save their immortal souls

[oh, no...Timothy hay?
please, no more Timothy hay!]

on a cold December, just after dusk
as the sun bids its cordial goodbyes,
we’ll be split to pieces like an apple seed husk
to reveal the tree that’s been hidden inside
which sapling called in a tattered sarong
as the seeds from the Shepherd’s Purse fell,
broke the news to Mom,
we found a better Mom we call ‘God,’
which she took quite well
singing, what a beautiful God there must be!

Break my heart for what breaks yours

How often do we think about what we sing when we worship God?

Do we really mean it?

Do we even understand what we're singing?

This really troubles me. A lot of times when I sing worship songs or in general when I am confronted by God I get pretty emotional. Especially in corporate worship. Sometimes I'll just sit there and cry, and sometimes people ask me what's wrong, but there usually isn't something "wrong". Sometimes I'm upset because I'm thinking about how poorly I treat God. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with His love. Sometimes I feel like God is really far away and the words that are being sung aren't true.

I wonder why more people don't get emotional when they worship. I understand that people are different and so they worship differently, but I rarely see anyone start crying when they worship God. Sometimes in corporate worship I just stand there and look around and wonder is people really understand what they are singing. What they're asking God. And if they really want it. Do you really want to be refined in fire? Are you really sorry for turning worship into something that isn't about God? Do you really want to be changed from the inside out?

What does any of that even mean?

What does it feel like to be refined by God? Can anyone tell me?
I certainly don't think it is an enjoyable process.

Do we really long for brokenness?

If we do then why do we think it unjust of God to let people suffer or to put us into situations where we are hurt or feel far from Him?

I feel like I'm going through a lot of that kind of stuff right now. I'm not really sure what's going on, but I hope God is working out His will in me. Two of my biggest faults are sometimes I care too much about people and I don't know how to take care of myself. It's easier for me to deal with other people's problems rather than my own.

There's a friend of mine who, for whatever reason, God has set in a special place in my heart. I would do anything for her. And When I find out she's struggling with something or is just feeling down I become broken for her. It ruins my day. Not in anyway that i feel mad about or would blame her for, but I can't enjoy things the way I normally would. Many times I can't even think of anything else. I get depressed. Not because of anything happening to me, but because of what she is going through. Sometimes I feel like a barely know her and yet I feel this way. I have yet to figure out why, but there is no doubt in my mind that God has a reason for it.

"Hosanna"

I see the king of glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes
The whole earth shakes

I see his love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing
The people sing

Hosanna
Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

I see a generation
Rising up to take their place
With selfless faith
With selfless faith

I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees
We're on our knees

Hosanna
Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I walk from earth into
Eternity

Hosanna
Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

Hosanna in the highest