Priorities

I don't know why, but I've been thinking about priorities a lot. Not necessarily mine in particular, but just priorities in general and how we determine what is important to us.

What are your priorities?

God? Taking care of or providing for your family? Your job? Your friends? Being a good person? Going to church? Sports?

As Christians we should have one priorities: to worship and bring glory to God. Everything else should come second to that. It shouldn't be enough to that it's one of our priorities, but it's our only priority. What would the church look like if that was true for everyone? If everything else was always secondary to worshiping and glorifying God? I bet it would be a lot closer to what heaven will be like than we are now.

I'm lucky enough where my job is based on this. I get to have conversations about God, pray for people, and worship Him and basically get paid for it. That's pretty awesome. So far I'm really excited about my job and love being here. There have been some frustrations, but it hasn't been any different than it would be back in the united states.

That's all for now.

New blog

So I've got a new blog that I'll be using specifically for updates about Africa. I'll still use this one for random thoughts, but the other will be focused on my time and what I'm doing in Africa.

The website is

See you on the other side

I'd rather be with you

Sitting here, on this lonely dock
Watch the rain play on the ocean top
All the things I feel I need to say
I can't explain in any other way

I need to be bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with a girl like you
Finally see you are naturally
The one to make it so easy
When you show me the truth
Yeah, I'd rather be with you
Say you want the same thing too

Now here's the sun, come to dry the rain
Warm my shoulders and relieve my pain
You're the one thing that I'm missing here
With you beside me I no longer fear

I need to be bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with a girl like you
Finally see you are naturally
The one to make it so easy
When you show me the truth
Yeah, I'd rather be with you
Say you want the same thing too

I could have saved so much time for us
Had I seen the way to get to where I am today
You waited on me for so long
So now, listen to me say:

I need to be bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with a girl like you
Finally see you are naturally
The one to make it so easy
When you show me the truth
Yeah, I'd rather be with you
Say you want the same thing too
Say you feel the way I do

Senior Year

I earlier did posts reflecting on my freshman and sophomore years of college, but now I'm skipping the junior year and going for the highlights the senior year (including the summer before).

Family Cruise!!!

Jordan and Candace's wedding.

The Blue Method with NVP and Kerry

Not working at all half the summer then working 60 hours a week the second half.

The return of Pete and Sarah Horning

Man weekend with Andrew Dale Pittman

Just screwing around in the apartment not caring that we weren't actually doing anything.

Random band at the Jamaica Junction

Thanksgiving in 610.

Staying in State College for Thanksgiving.

Cookie decorating.

Pumpkin carving.

Secret Santa

Having a 52/100 be an A (thank you EE 380)

Coming back to State college early from breaks.

Leaving State College late for breaks.

Highlighter party and Meredith's car getting towed.

ice skating

Staying up till 6 watching scary movies with Charlotte, Chase and Meredith

Staying up till 6 again the very next weekend with Luke

Trying to do anything in the crazy snowstorm

showing up in a chef jacket to a pajama party

sleepover and the graduation video

getting to cook real food at work

Richard Piatkowski

Charlotte the model

"mini roadtrip" with Sarah and Meredith

making Meredith my best man

Charles Hood day

Shooting guns at Luke's

Trying to hike up Mount Nittany only to get lost

lighting things on fire on "Mount Nittany"

Photo 100 with Chase and Rob

Meeting Paul and Julia

Final retreat and Banquet

free Rita's in the park

secret summer girl

reconnecting with Briana and Jaci

Getting ready to go to Africa

Hotlanta

Senior week at Myrtle Beach

Despite all the difficulties and some of the dumb stuff I did, this year was the best

Book Club

So I recently bought and just started reading "Desiring God: Meditations of a Christian Hedonist" by John Piper. So far it's amazing. I wish I had it earlier this year. I think it would have helped me with what I was going through. At the end of my post I'm leaving a little quote from it to show you how good it is.

It's been an interesting week.

Lots of struggles.

Lots of grace.

Lots of loneliness

Lots of great fellowship.

On Friday, I drove down to camp for the first time in two years. I went to visit one of my best friends who was also visiting the camp. It felt weird being there, but it also felt natural. I guess it felt weird because I wasn't there as a counselor like I was used to. It felt natural because of how much time I spent there, two full summers. Anyways, I spent the day with my best friend and two girls that we worked with during my second summer at camp who now live in Greensburg.

It was a lot of fun. We didn't really do anything super interesting. It was just good to hang out with them. I was planning on driving back late Friday, but I ended up spending the night and left Saturday morning. I'm going back down to Greensburg later this month, and I hope I get to hang out with the girls again. I think that's all I got for now. Here's a quote from Desiring God as promised. Enjoy.

People lift their hand to rebel against the Most High only to find that their rebellion is unwitting service in the wonderful designs of God. Even sin cannot frustrate the purposes of the Almighty. He Himself does not commit sin, but He has declared that there be acts that are sin, for the acts of Pilate and Herod were predestined by God's plan.

Similarly, when we come to the end of the New Testament and to the end of history in the Revelation of John, we find God in complete control of all the evil kings who wage war. In Revelation 17, John speaks of a harlot sitting on a beast with ten horns. The harlot is Rome, drunk with the blood of the saints; the beast is the Antichrist; and the ten horns are ten kings who "hand over their power and authority to the beast...[and] make war on the Lamb" (vv. 13-14).

But are these evil kings outside God's control? Are they frustrating God's designs? Far from it. They are unwittingly doing His bidding: "For God has put it into their hearts to carry out His purpose by being of one mind and handing over their royal power to the beast, until the words of God are fulfilled" (Revelation 17:17). No one on earth can escape the sovereign control of God: "The king's heart is a stream of water in the hand of the Lord; he turns it wherever he will" (Proverbs 21:1; cf. Ezra 6:22)

Amen

Back to the basics

One of my biggest passions in life, besides knowing my Lord and savior Jesus Christ, is music. I'm not obsessed like Jordan Shoenberger, but I love music. I love everything about it... except bad music.

I think I would love being a DJ on the radio or even just a music critic. Being payed to listen to music would be awesome. My biggest problem is my fairly eclectic taste in music and my attraction towards the unknown and underground. I don't think there are many people who would want to listen to the music I would want to play.

Anyways I've a recent burning in my heart and honestly a craving for the music that I grew up with. Does anyone else miss Tom Cochrane and Taco(my family wasn't really into rock that much)? No? how about Pearl Jam and Sublime? And for you fans of "christian" music (Christian is a noun not an adjective), anyone miss DC talk? I do. Argue all you want, but DC talk is the greatest "Christian" Band/music group ever. Say whatever you want about Jars of Clay, but DC talk changed the game.

The Hardest Thing

Try to think of the hardest thing that you've ever done.

Was it ending a relationship? Starting something new? A class? A job?

What about it made it so difficult?

For most of us, the most difficult times in our lives are when we have no control.

As Christians we "know" that God is taking care of us and has a plan and ultimately His way is better and giving Him control is the best way to handle any situation. Yet we still try to control our own lives.

"The world has yet to see what God can do with and for and through and in and by the man who is fully and wholly consecrated to Him." -D.L. Moody

The reason the world hasn't seen what God can do with a man who is fully and wholly consecrated to Him is because we still try to take control. We still seek after our own desires.

Right now I am raising support to go to Africa for the next two years. I can honestly say it's the hardest thing I've ever done. Not the going part. That part isn't that bad. It's the contacting people to try and raise support part. The part that I have no control over. I can't make people understand the importance of what I'm doing or even give me money. I can't even make people pick up the phone when I call. After next week, I'll be half way through the time I have to raise my support. I may have half of my support raised, but I feel like I'm running out of people to talk to. Even on good weeks I feel like I spend most of the week stressed out or worrying that I'm not going to get enough people.

I honestly have no idea where the money is going to come from. I am trying to trust that God is going to provide. I think the reason it's hard is that I don't fully believe in God's provision. I've been telling myself all the time that it's not about the money. It's about the work that God is doing. I might not even believe that. I need a big change.

Because of His grace and for His glory.

Times

I know i need you
I need to love you
I love to see you, but its been so long
i long to feel you
i feel this need for you
and i need to hear you
is that so wrong?

now you pulled me near you
when we're close i fear you
still im afraid to tell you
all that i've done
are you done forgiving?
or can you look pass my pretending?
Lord i'm so tired of defending
what i've become
what have i become?

i hear you say "my love is over,
it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between
the times you doubt me, when you can't feel
the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
the times you've broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
well my love is over, its underneath
it's inside, its in between,

these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and *are tempted* to steal
in times of confusion and chaos and pain
i'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
i'm there through your heartache
i'm there in the storm
my love i will keep you by my power alone
i don't care where you've fallen, where you have been
i'll never forsake you
my love never ends, it never ends

Ramblings of a Beggar

I got the idea for the title of this blog from a song, but I don't think I ever shared that. The song is called "Ramblings of a Beggar" by Shawn MacDonald. It's a simple song, but it's very true:

Would You open up my eyes,
And show me the light,
Take me away, from this place,
Would You open up my eyes and show me the light,
'Cause I cannot make it alone,
I need, I need You,
I need, yes, I need You,
To free me

Health Care

Soooo I'm not super political. I voted, but I didn't vote for John McCain or Barack Obama. I don't affiliate myself with any party. I voted for both Republican's and Democrats as well as some independents and of course Mickey Mouse. So far I've been able to stay out of the health care discussion and I don't think it's too late to get in on it now.

I've always had health care. I've spent my entire life covered either from my parents work place or their own personal coverage. Until the end of this month. Before my health care under my parents ran out I scheduled some appointments. I went for a physical and talked to my doctor about some vertigo like symptoms I've been having. He wanted to schedule a test and since I've been in Atlanta for training the soonest I could get the test scheduled was this Friday after I'm no longer covered by my parents insurance. I thought "Okay, my new insurance probably won't cover the test because it's a pre-existing condition. That's fine I'll just get new insurance in case something else happens and pay for the test out of pocket." Turns out I was wrong.

I've been turned down for insurance, at least until the test, because of the test even though they wouldn't cover it or anything related to it. That's just dumb. If you have the stipulation in the insurance that you won't be covered for something then why can you be denied for it? It's not covered in the insurance! So what if it turns out to be life threatening or whatever. Their not responsible for it! Why do they care? I don't know. I think it's dumb not to mention frustrating.

Anyways, I recently realized that I never have pictures or anything, so I wanted to add a picture. I wanted to use a picture from this week. I've been in Atlanta training for going to Morocco, and we did a team building exercise and it's the only group picture we have. Unfortunately, I don't have it, so here's another one that I found and really like. It fits with the title of my blog.



I'm just a beggar.

Because of Hi grace and for His glory.

Repost

So I was looking back on some older posts that I've written and have seen some significant trends that have helped understand what I've been going through. Anyways I want to re-post one of my favorites. It's actually the first one I've written, but it still remains very true and important to me. Enjoy!

It's crazy how someone who you've never met or even seen can impact your life so much. My cousin was born on Tuesday (March 4). Her name is Leora(pretty sweet name), but while she hasn't impacted my life too much yet, because she undoubtedly will, her birth brought someone else to mind.

Over the summer some friends of mine, Scott and Anna, had a baby. I may be wrong, but I believe their daughter was born on July 13 or 14. It was late at night close to the next day, but her birth is not what affected me so much. It was her death.

Months before Anna gave birth she went for a seemingly routine checkup for herself and the baby. On that visit it was discovered that their baby had a rare deformity/ disease which, if the baby would survive birth would only allow her to live a couple hours at most. I can't tell you what it feels like to hear something like that. I can not imagine it, nor do I want to. I could tell you story after story of what went on in those months leading up to Anna's due date, but I'm gonna skip that for now.

All Scott and Anna wanted was for their daughter to be born naturally and for at least some time to hold her, but even the chance of either of those happening was slim. Anna had already given birth to two children each of whom were born through cesarean section. Because of the risks involved in giving birth naturally after one c-section only about 10% of women try it, but Anna has had two, dramatically increasing the risks.

On the day of their daughters birth Scott and Anna spent all day in the hospital, and after hours of preparation and labor it was finally time. The doctors gave the okay for Anna to try a natural birth, but the had equipment near by just in case. Amazingly the baby was born naturally, and Anna and Scott were able to hold their daughter. An hour later she died. The name of their daughter was Hannah Gloria. Hannah meaning God's grace, and Gloria meaning God's glory. They gave her that name because of the constant ways God revealed his grace and glory to them. I guess Hannah herself didn't have an impact on my life directly, but being with Scott and Anna through the whole time and seeing what they have gone through has affected me so much. Despite all the difficulties in this Scott and Anna have shown to me what it really means to have peace. They have only grown stronger in their walks with God in closer in their relationship with each other. It's crazy how God works.

Because of His grace and for His glory

Sophomore Year

This is round two of highlights from college. I'm sorry if I'm forgetting something, or if you think I should include something, but this really is the best of the best.

Living with Nathan Ponzio!!!

Nathan Van Patter's evangelism study and getting to know Adam Hoff and Maggie Hipple through it.

Nathan Van Patter's announcements

Trusteeing

Meeting Megan Warley and Sharon Byrne on the Spring Break Trip to Mississippi

Kenny Hiser

Roadtrip to Grove City to See Justin McRoberts

Having Justin McRoberts play a song for me during his concert

"You set my toilet ablaze"

Bonfire at Travis'

SB2Whatever

Head coach at the wrestling meet first term (yes I did wear a dress shirt and tie)!!!

Spending my summer with Andrew Dale Pittman, Emma Clark, and Tiki

Being reunited with Dan O'Keefe

Greatest finals week ever

Freshman year

So I've seen a couple people, who upon graduation, did a series of entries highlighting things from each year. I don't know if I'll do one from each year,but I'll at least start with this one.

Meeting Nathan Ponzio at the first ACF.

Getting in the fifth row at my first football game in the student section. Then staying through the whole meaningless game despite the rain.

C-Will

Being named the Ragin' Cajun courtesy of Anne Han and Kenny Hiser

Seeing Travis Crouse everyday.

Thursday lunch with Chase and Rob.

Indulging Nathan Van Patter in his many eccentricities

Lousiana.

Meeting Jordan Egli at a Habitat build then meeting Jared at ACF without knowing that Jordan had a brother, and being really confused.

Croquet on the elevated lawn on Shortlidge

Random Pajama/Milk and Cookies party with the Sproul girls

Racquetball with Jonathan Perez Blanco

Wandering down onto the floor at a women's volleyball game.

Road trip to New Jersey to watch the basketball team play Seton Hall.

Summer's Best Two Weeks for Three Months

Random 4th floor Pinchot pranks.

Explaining to the cops that I didn't know where the guy who lived in the dorm next to me was or what he did last night.

Trick dart throwing with Christian Shelmire and Kevin Crow.

Small group with Jordan Shoenberger and Glenn and Sue Williams.

This too shall pass

So, I've been trying to have a new approach to life recently. I feel a lot better than I have for a while. I don't think it's because things are actually better, but I'm trying not to let it bother me as much. Knowing that I'm going to north Africa helps a lot. There's a song by Ok Go which sums it up beautifully, "This too shall pass":

You know you can't keep letting it get you down
And you can't keep dragging that dead weight around
Is it really all that much to lug around
Better run like hell when you hit the ground

When the morning comes

When the morning comes
Can't stop those kids from dancing
but why would you want to?
Especially when you are already getting good
'Cuz when your mind don't move then your knees don't bend
But don't go blaming the kids again

When the morning comes,
When the morning comes,

When the morning comes,
When the morning comes,

When the morning comes,
When the morning comes,

Let it go, This too shall pass
Let it go, This too shall pass

You know you can't keep letting it get you down,

No you can't keep letting it get you down
Oh Is it really all that much to lug around,
And you can't keep letting it get you down

When the morning comes
(Oh you can't keep letting it get you down,
No you can't keep letting it get you down)

Open Invitation

I'm really frustrated right now.

Last Wednesday I played four square with some people from ACF, and it was a lot of fun. Now they've formed a group to play every Wednesday, and I haven't been invited. This probably wouldn't be a big deal except it happens all the time. I almost never get invited to things, and it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. I'm definitely a lot more outgoing than I was a couple years ago, and it's not like there is something about me that just turns people off (at least I don't think so). What makes it even worse is that I invite people to things a lot. I know I don't invite everyone to things, but not even the people I do invite extend the same courtesy to me. I just don't know what to do.

Relationships

So I think a majority of my angst has resulted from my relationships. I know I'm not the most out going guy, but it at least feels like people treat me differently all the time. I look at people and how they act and what they do or say around other people and I wonder why they don't act like that around me. It's really frustrating especially now that I'm trying to connect more with people.

On another somewhat similar note, I found out recently that the last 4 girls that I really liked are all dating someone else. I dated some of them didn't do anything with others, and I don't want them back, but it is a little difficult to see them move on and be happy with someone else while I'm still in the same place. It's not like I have an overwhelming desire to be in a relationship, and it's not that I'm sad I'm not in a relationship, and think it will solve everything, but I don't really know how else to describe it. I think I'm completely fine being single, but maybe not fine with other people being in relationships.

So I may very well end up in North Africa for at least the next year. I applied to Go Corps and they set me up with Campus Crusade for Christ and and internship in North Africa. The only probably is they want to make a decision by April 1st, but I haven't heard from them since spring break. It has me worried. If I get this internship I think I'd be totally ready to graduate even though I'd still have a lot to do between now and August(when I'd leave).

I think that's it for now.

Just can't shake it

I feel so alone.

Love as Love

You know me
And my blinded eyes
I see your efforts as inconvenience
I need your interruptions

You know me
And my selfish heart
I see your kindness as always in my way
I need your arms to hold me

You who have loved
So perfectly
How can you take this abuse from me?
Teach me to know
Your love as love

You know me
And my wounded soul
I hear your blessings as manipulation
I need your prayers to heal me

You who have loved
So perfectly
How can you take this abuse from me?
Teach me to know
Your love as love

You can do better that me

We're starting to feel
We stayed together out of fear
Of dying alone
I've been slipping through the years
My old clothes don't fit like they once did
So they hang like ghosts
Of the people I've been

It's like my heart can't take
My fall in love every day
And I feel like a fool

I have to face the truth
That no one could ever look at me like you do
Like I'm something worth holding on to

These times I think of leaving
But it's something I'll never do

'Cause you can do better than me
But I can't do better than you

You can do better than me
But I can't do better than you

Find it in me

This house is full of secrets that i
have kept from her for far too long
i hope i make it through the day

my conduct should be suspect and my
intentions should be checked but i'm to
involved in making plans for my soul

her heart is full of kindness that she's
given away and now she is tired
of all the parts of life that she made

she tries to help out everyone
but i can only help myself
i question whether she knows she's safe

i hope you find it
cause i could not find it in me

i can't say when i'll leave you for good
my selfish heart hopes you don't go first
God knows i couldn't make it one day

i'll ask that you find someone to help
like you treated me like you were myself
you broke your back to make it okay

these parts of life that i cannot hold
you carry me along with your load
you're more than i could ever repay

i hope you find it
cause i could not find it in me

Come for Me

Sometimes I just want to die. I just want to be done with this life, and get on to the next one.

"Jesus come take me away, I long to see Your face
This world is broken yet beautifully made,
Jesus come take me away
Jesus I’ll patiently wait, till like a vapor I’ll fade
Help me fulfill all your dreams for these days,
Jesus I’ll patiently wait

You’ll come again with a shout,
like a thief in the night you’ll come riding on clouds
Finally the voice I have followed for life
has a glorious face that is lit up with light
And you’ll come for me, no more pain, peace,
No more fear, release
just lost and consumed with my glorious King,

Jesus today I am tired, I need your music to come and inspire
I give myself to be refined in this fire,
but Jesus today I’m so tired

You’ll come again with a shout,
like a thief in the night you’ll come riding on clouds
Finally the voice I have followed for life
has a glorious face that is lit up with light
And you’ll come for me, no more pain, peace,
No more fear, release
just lost and consumed with my glorious King,
Come for me"

Timothy Hay

on a cold December, just before dawn
as the sun said Hello! to the sky
the Mantis prayed while the Lamellicorn
tunneled and rolled in a threadbare tie
while the Holland Lops in the Karakung Glades
indignantly thump their feet and hop away
when they cut their noses on the sharp-tipped blades
(which the grass doesn’t mind in the least)
and there’s a heat-pat waiting in the chicken-wire hutch
where the does from the Netherlands stay

[but that dry alfalfa don’t taste like much
and we’re tired of the Timothy hay]

I touched her back, she was lying facedown
as the dew turned to frost around her eyes,
me and Sister Margaret on the Pentagon lawn
arrested, our wrists in a plastic tie
while the rats by the tracks on these winter days
seeking shelter from the cold make a nest
from the tracts of our various ways
they can save their immortal souls

[oh, no...Timothy hay?
please, no more Timothy hay!]

on a cold December, just after dusk
as the sun bids its cordial goodbyes,
we’ll be split to pieces like an apple seed husk
to reveal the tree that’s been hidden inside
which sapling called in a tattered sarong
as the seeds from the Shepherd’s Purse fell,
broke the news to Mom,
we found a better Mom we call ‘God,’
which she took quite well
singing, what a beautiful God there must be!

Break my heart for what breaks yours

How often do we think about what we sing when we worship God?

Do we really mean it?

Do we even understand what we're singing?

This really troubles me. A lot of times when I sing worship songs or in general when I am confronted by God I get pretty emotional. Especially in corporate worship. Sometimes I'll just sit there and cry, and sometimes people ask me what's wrong, but there usually isn't something "wrong". Sometimes I'm upset because I'm thinking about how poorly I treat God. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with His love. Sometimes I feel like God is really far away and the words that are being sung aren't true.

I wonder why more people don't get emotional when they worship. I understand that people are different and so they worship differently, but I rarely see anyone start crying when they worship God. Sometimes in corporate worship I just stand there and look around and wonder is people really understand what they are singing. What they're asking God. And if they really want it. Do you really want to be refined in fire? Are you really sorry for turning worship into something that isn't about God? Do you really want to be changed from the inside out?

What does any of that even mean?

What does it feel like to be refined by God? Can anyone tell me?
I certainly don't think it is an enjoyable process.

Do we really long for brokenness?

If we do then why do we think it unjust of God to let people suffer or to put us into situations where we are hurt or feel far from Him?

I feel like I'm going through a lot of that kind of stuff right now. I'm not really sure what's going on, but I hope God is working out His will in me. Two of my biggest faults are sometimes I care too much about people and I don't know how to take care of myself. It's easier for me to deal with other people's problems rather than my own.

There's a friend of mine who, for whatever reason, God has set in a special place in my heart. I would do anything for her. And When I find out she's struggling with something or is just feeling down I become broken for her. It ruins my day. Not in anyway that i feel mad about or would blame her for, but I can't enjoy things the way I normally would. Many times I can't even think of anything else. I get depressed. Not because of anything happening to me, but because of what she is going through. Sometimes I feel like a barely know her and yet I feel this way. I have yet to figure out why, but there is no doubt in my mind that God has a reason for it.

"Hosanna"

I see the king of glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes
The whole earth shakes

I see his love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing
The people sing

Hosanna
Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

I see a generation
Rising up to take their place
With selfless faith
With selfless faith

I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees
We're on our knees

Hosanna
Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I walk from earth into
Eternity

Hosanna
Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

Hosanna in the highest