The Mystery of Love

Today wasn't a good day.

For all intensive purposes it should have been. I'm done with all but one of my classes, and that one is really easy. I got to sleep in as late as I wanted. I got to hang out with some of my best friends, but throughout the day not matter what I did I couldn't shake this looming despair. It wasn't because I was thinking about graduation and having to leave everything behind. I wasn't struggling with how I've been feeling about ACF. In fact it really didn't have anything to do with me.

I usually try not to write about people who do read or might read my blog but I am today. Whomever this is about will know if she reads it, and I'm not mad at you. I'm not disappointed, but I want you to understand, if you ask me to delete this I will.

A friend of mine has been really struggling with drinking among other things and last night found out that her ex boyfriend was in a relationship and decided that she wanted to go out and get drunk because she didn't want to feel anything. She told me this in between my final and going into work. I told her I didn't think it was a good idea, and asked her to think about it more and not just decide to do it. I told her that if she wanted to talk or even needed me to convince her that she has had enough to drink. After I didn't her from her last night I asked her if it was a good thing (like she was out having a good time and avoiding trouble) or a bad thing. She said it was probably bad.

I just don't know what to do. I'm not even sure that she wants to change. She has said she does and has asked for help, and I want to believe her, but I still don't know if she is committed to stopping. I don't even know if she regrets doing it afterwards. Whatever I might say or do won't help until she changes. When Peter realizes he has denied Jesus three times he weeps bitterly in recognition of his betrayal and failure to God. Why don't we have that same attitude? Why doesn't our sin offend us more. When we are born new in Christ it no longer has a part of us. We aren't sinners being saved. We are saints sanctified by God.

I think I'm experiencing a little bit of what God goes through when we sin (not that I claim to know what God thinks or feels). I care about this person a lot and there really isn't a particular reason why. I'm not frustrated or mad or disappointed at her (although they each play their part). But I am hurt. It's hard to describe. I know that she can do better. I know that she is stronger than these temptations and can resist them. And yet she still falls into it. I think that's a lot of what God feels. When he looks at us after we have sinned, he's mad, he's offended, but more than anything else he's like "What the hell? I've given you the holy spirit, I don't give you more than you can handle, I know you're stronger than this. Why is still a problem." Obviously God knows the answer to that, but I don't.

I don't know what to do. I'm praying for her, but sometimes it hardly feels enough.

Because of his grace and for his glory.