I haven't really written in awhile. I'm not sure why. I just haven't really thought about it in a while. I still feel like everything that had any meaning in my life is going wrong and I'm really struggling to find answers. What makes it worse is even though there are plenty of people who could probably help, I don't really want to talk about it. Moving on. I think I'm done with ACF. Earlier, I decided that I wasn't going to keep going to ACF unless I felt like God really wanted me there. I don't feel like he does, so I'm moving on. Nobody wants me there and I never feel more alone than when I'm at ACF on Sunday morning.
What I really wanted to write about was how much it sucks loving like Jesus not because you're supposed to love people who don't love you back. It sucks when you really love people like Jesus did when you know that people who you love and care deeply about don't love you back in the same way. When you feel like nobody loves you as much as you love them, it really takes a toll on you. There's no such thing as a pure introvert. We all need other people to help us out. To love us. I don't have anybody like that in my life right now. Yeah my parents and brother and sister love me, but it's not the same. And not talking about a girlfriend. Even my friends don't really care about me. I would immensely surprised if more than a couple people will notice that I've stopped going to ACF, and I'll be even more surprised if anybody bothers to pick up the phone and call me to ask why I'm not going to ACF.
When talking with Pastor Aaron a little about this last semester, he spoke of a prophet like restlessness. A lot of prophets were outcasts in their own society and barely understood by even their closest friends. The prime example- Jesus. While I don't know if that's what I'm going through, I hope I'm close to the end of the tunnel because I can't see through all this fog.
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