Today wasn't a good day.
For all intensive purposes it should have been. I'm done with all but one of my classes, and that one is really easy. I got to sleep in as late as I wanted. I got to hang out with some of my best friends, but throughout the day not matter what I did I couldn't shake this looming despair. It wasn't because I was thinking about graduation and having to leave everything behind. I wasn't struggling with how I've been feeling about ACF. In fact it really didn't have anything to do with me.
I usually try not to write about people who do read or might read my blog but I am today. Whomever this is about will know if she reads it, and I'm not mad at you. I'm not disappointed, but I want you to understand, if you ask me to delete this I will.
A friend of mine has been really struggling with drinking among other things and last night found out that her ex boyfriend was in a relationship and decided that she wanted to go out and get drunk because she didn't want to feel anything. She told me this in between my final and going into work. I told her I didn't think it was a good idea, and asked her to think about it more and not just decide to do it. I told her that if she wanted to talk or even needed me to convince her that she has had enough to drink. After I didn't her from her last night I asked her if it was a good thing (like she was out having a good time and avoiding trouble) or a bad thing. She said it was probably bad.
I just don't know what to do. I'm not even sure that she wants to change. She has said she does and has asked for help, and I want to believe her, but I still don't know if she is committed to stopping. I don't even know if she regrets doing it afterwards. Whatever I might say or do won't help until she changes. When Peter realizes he has denied Jesus three times he weeps bitterly in recognition of his betrayal and failure to God. Why don't we have that same attitude? Why doesn't our sin offend us more. When we are born new in Christ it no longer has a part of us. We aren't sinners being saved. We are saints sanctified by God.
I think I'm experiencing a little bit of what God goes through when we sin (not that I claim to know what God thinks or feels). I care about this person a lot and there really isn't a particular reason why. I'm not frustrated or mad or disappointed at her (although they each play their part). But I am hurt. It's hard to describe. I know that she can do better. I know that she is stronger than these temptations and can resist them. And yet she still falls into it. I think that's a lot of what God feels. When he looks at us after we have sinned, he's mad, he's offended, but more than anything else he's like "What the hell? I've given you the holy spirit, I don't give you more than you can handle, I know you're stronger than this. Why is still a problem." Obviously God knows the answer to that, but I don't.
I don't know what to do. I'm praying for her, but sometimes it hardly feels enough.
Because of his grace and for his glory.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
She is...
Have you ever fallen in love before?
Have you ever fallen for someone, but not realized until after they were no longer a part of your life?
I think I've written before about the girl I met at camp a couple years ago who showed me what the woman I will marry if I get married will be like. At the time I was unwilling to pursue her. Mainly because she lives in North Carolina normally and is actually in Australia now, but I wish I had. I can't stop thinking of her. For some reason I decided to listen to this song by The Fray, I think it fits:
"She Is"
Do not get me wrong I cannot wait for you to come home
For now you're not here and I'm not there, it's like we're on our own
To figure it out, consider how to find a place to stand
Instead of walking away and instead of nowhere to land
This is gonna to break me clean in two
This is gonna to bring me close to you
She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed
She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed
It's all up in the air and we stand still to see what comes down
I don't know where it is, I don't know when, but I want you around
When it falls into place with you and I, we go from if to when
Your side and mine are both behind it's indication
This is gonna bring me clarity
This'll take the heart right out of me
She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed
She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed
This is gonna bring me to my knees
I just wanna hold you close to me
She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed
She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed
She is everything I needed
She is everything
Have you ever fallen for someone, but not realized until after they were no longer a part of your life?
I think I've written before about the girl I met at camp a couple years ago who showed me what the woman I will marry if I get married will be like. At the time I was unwilling to pursue her. Mainly because she lives in North Carolina normally and is actually in Australia now, but I wish I had. I can't stop thinking of her. For some reason I decided to listen to this song by The Fray, I think it fits:
"She Is"
Do not get me wrong I cannot wait for you to come home
For now you're not here and I'm not there, it's like we're on our own
To figure it out, consider how to find a place to stand
Instead of walking away and instead of nowhere to land
This is gonna to break me clean in two
This is gonna to bring me close to you
She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed
She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed
It's all up in the air and we stand still to see what comes down
I don't know where it is, I don't know when, but I want you around
When it falls into place with you and I, we go from if to when
Your side and mine are both behind it's indication
This is gonna bring me clarity
This'll take the heart right out of me
She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed
She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed
This is gonna bring me to my knees
I just wanna hold you close to me
She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed
She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed
She is everything I needed
She is everything
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
When it don't come easy
Just saw this on a friends blog. Thought it was appropriate.
Justin McRoberts- When It Don't Come Easy
Justin McRoberts- When It Don't Come Easy
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Back in black
So a friend of mine asked me today if I had a blog even though she already knew I did, but it got me thinking about how long it's been since I've written anything either in my blog or in my journal. I've missed it. I don't say that about a lot of things even some of my family and friends, but I've definitely missed writing. It helps me to think and process things and try to keep my head on straight. I haven't felt like I've had the time to write. In reality I did have time I was just not sure what to write about or thought I should spend my time doing something else. I've been going through s lot lately. Thinking about a lot of things. Most of I don't really understand, so it makes it really hard to talk about.
I've been thinking a lot about where I belong, partly because of my frustration with ACF and partly because of all the uncertainties that lie ahead. I don't really know where I belong. On talking about my struggles with ACF someone said to me you can't be asked to serve where you aren't being built up. Is that true? Just because we aren't being filled the way we want to or the way we expect does that give us the right to stop serving there? Is there a limit on the sacrifices we make to serve God? I would say no, but at the same time, in the bible when it talks about the body it talks how each part of the body serves different functions does that mean that we shouldn't even try to do some things? What does ut mean to be the hand or neck or spleen? What are their different roles? How do you know which one you are? How do you what your limit is. I feel like you can't know the limit of your service to God (if there is one) until you've already passed it.
One important realization that I've made is that I need other people. I need people in my life that I can serve. That I can make sacrifices for. Maybe that's why I care about Meredith so much. She has filled that role in my life right now as someone I can serve. Someone who needs me. Someone I make sacrifices for. It's been awesome to see how much I've grown over the past couple years. I've done things and made sacrifices that I wouldn't have even thought of doing a couple years ago. Mainly because I was afraid. I wasn't sure how people would react when I talked about God or offered to help them or give them something. I'm still not sure, but sometimes it's worth taking that risk. I'm a selfish giver. I think a lot of times I need to help people more than they actually need my help.
I've been thinking a lot about where I belong, partly because of my frustration with ACF and partly because of all the uncertainties that lie ahead. I don't really know where I belong. On talking about my struggles with ACF someone said to me you can't be asked to serve where you aren't being built up. Is that true? Just because we aren't being filled the way we want to or the way we expect does that give us the right to stop serving there? Is there a limit on the sacrifices we make to serve God? I would say no, but at the same time, in the bible when it talks about the body it talks how each part of the body serves different functions does that mean that we shouldn't even try to do some things? What does ut mean to be the hand or neck or spleen? What are their different roles? How do you know which one you are? How do you what your limit is. I feel like you can't know the limit of your service to God (if there is one) until you've already passed it.
One important realization that I've made is that I need other people. I need people in my life that I can serve. That I can make sacrifices for. Maybe that's why I care about Meredith so much. She has filled that role in my life right now as someone I can serve. Someone who needs me. Someone I make sacrifices for. It's been awesome to see how much I've grown over the past couple years. I've done things and made sacrifices that I wouldn't have even thought of doing a couple years ago. Mainly because I was afraid. I wasn't sure how people would react when I talked about God or offered to help them or give them something. I'm still not sure, but sometimes it's worth taking that risk. I'm a selfish giver. I think a lot of times I need to help people more than they actually need my help.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Loving like Jesus sucks
I haven't really written in awhile. I'm not sure why. I just haven't really thought about it in a while. I still feel like everything that had any meaning in my life is going wrong and I'm really struggling to find answers. What makes it worse is even though there are plenty of people who could probably help, I don't really want to talk about it. Moving on. I think I'm done with ACF. Earlier, I decided that I wasn't going to keep going to ACF unless I felt like God really wanted me there. I don't feel like he does, so I'm moving on. Nobody wants me there and I never feel more alone than when I'm at ACF on Sunday morning.
What I really wanted to write about was how much it sucks loving like Jesus not because you're supposed to love people who don't love you back. It sucks when you really love people like Jesus did when you know that people who you love and care deeply about don't love you back in the same way. When you feel like nobody loves you as much as you love them, it really takes a toll on you. There's no such thing as a pure introvert. We all need other people to help us out. To love us. I don't have anybody like that in my life right now. Yeah my parents and brother and sister love me, but it's not the same. And not talking about a girlfriend. Even my friends don't really care about me. I would immensely surprised if more than a couple people will notice that I've stopped going to ACF, and I'll be even more surprised if anybody bothers to pick up the phone and call me to ask why I'm not going to ACF.
When talking with Pastor Aaron a little about this last semester, he spoke of a prophet like restlessness. A lot of prophets were outcasts in their own society and barely understood by even their closest friends. The prime example- Jesus. While I don't know if that's what I'm going through, I hope I'm close to the end of the tunnel because I can't see through all this fog.
What I really wanted to write about was how much it sucks loving like Jesus not because you're supposed to love people who don't love you back. It sucks when you really love people like Jesus did when you know that people who you love and care deeply about don't love you back in the same way. When you feel like nobody loves you as much as you love them, it really takes a toll on you. There's no such thing as a pure introvert. We all need other people to help us out. To love us. I don't have anybody like that in my life right now. Yeah my parents and brother and sister love me, but it's not the same. And not talking about a girlfriend. Even my friends don't really care about me. I would immensely surprised if more than a couple people will notice that I've stopped going to ACF, and I'll be even more surprised if anybody bothers to pick up the phone and call me to ask why I'm not going to ACF.
When talking with Pastor Aaron a little about this last semester, he spoke of a prophet like restlessness. A lot of prophets were outcasts in their own society and barely understood by even their closest friends. The prime example- Jesus. While I don't know if that's what I'm going through, I hope I'm close to the end of the tunnel because I can't see through all this fog.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Wishes
This song came up on my computer while on shuffle. Terrible song by Superchick, but the words pretty much sum up my feelings towards a certain someone:
The saddest thing is you could be anything
That you could want
We could have been everything
But now we're not
Now it's not anything at all
The hardest part was getting this close to you
And giving up this dream i built with you
A fairytale that isn't coming true
You've got some growing up to do
I wish we could have worked it out
I wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye
After all the things you put me through
Tell me why i'm still in love with you
And why am i, why am i still waiting for your call
You broke my heart
I'm taking it back from you
And taking back the life i gave to you
Life goes on before and after you
I've got some growing up to do
I wish we could have worked it out
I wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
I wish we could have worked it out
I wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
The saddest thing is you could be anything
That you could want
We could have been everything
But now we're not
Now it's not anything at all
The hardest part was getting this close to you
And giving up this dream i built with you
A fairytale that isn't coming true
You've got some growing up to do
I wish we could have worked it out
I wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye
After all the things you put me through
Tell me why i'm still in love with you
And why am i, why am i still waiting for your call
You broke my heart
I'm taking it back from you
And taking back the life i gave to you
Life goes on before and after you
I've got some growing up to do
I wish we could have worked it out
I wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
I wish we could have worked it out
I wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Desires of your heart
Psalm 37:4
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."
John 15:7
"If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you."
I haven't thought about these verses and others like it in a long time, but today the pastor at the church I went to spoke about business, happiness, and how we live our lives and he quoted psalm 37:4 which got me thinking about it. For a lot of people these verses are serious stumbling blocks because people think that what they want and what they pray is right.
Most people associate prayer with bringing requests before God. They ask God to heal this person or help them achieve something or they just ask for his blessing. None of these things are necessarily bad, but the problem is with the expectations that come with prayer, largely because of the verses above. We expect God to bless us, to give us certain things, like we deserve it. Pastor Aaron spoke on this once. He used the example of when he was student teaching. He once gave one kid in his class a small bag of candy, and all the other kids in the class got upset. Why? The candy wasn't theirs. He didn't take it away from them to give to the other kid. He didn't tell them they were going to all get candy. They assumed they would get some, that they deserved some.
The second and far more serious problem with our prayer lives and these verses is our tainted perception. We assume that because we read our bible every day, go to church, support missions, pray, and all that jazz that we are delighting in the Lord and remaining in His word. While all those things certainly are important and have there place in ways that we exercise our faith, they aren't our faith. Our faith is built on God. His mercy, His grace, His justice, His glory, everything about him. Our part in our faith is the complete and total submission and trust in Him. Anything else is for exercising that faith and learning more about it and about God. Who is prayer for? Who benefits from it? God? Or was prayer made for us. To comfort, encourage and challenge us. Under our normal, basic understanding of prayer(communication with God), God really doesn't have any need for it. He can communicate with us anyway he wants, and he already knows what we're going to say to him and what we're going to ask of him.
Anyways, that was all secondary thought to what the pastor said today and what caught my attention. He said that when we delight in God he gives us the desires of our hearts. That just blew me away. The fact that God would give us the desires of our hearts is just so incredible. If you're thinking that I'm talking about my wants and needs, that God gives us "the desires of our hearts" as in the stuff we want or things we want to see happen, you're wrong. God's gives us "the desire of our hearts" as in our actual desires. When we delight in God, He doesn't give us what we want. What we want changes to what He wants and has planned for us. I'll say it again. When we delight in God, He doesn't just give us what we want or think we want but He changes our desires to match His own. If He merely gave us what we wanted then it would be a lot harder to be satisfied and delight in God because we will always be able to come up with more things that we want or think we want. But God goes gives us His desires, so that we may be satisfied and find peace in our lives. Oh, how He loves us!
One final thought: Do you ever wonder why we rarely pray to Jesus and almost never pray to the Holy Spirit? We typically address God the Father. Why? Aren't they all God? All equal?
Because of his grace and for his glory.
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."
John 15:7
"If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you."
I haven't thought about these verses and others like it in a long time, but today the pastor at the church I went to spoke about business, happiness, and how we live our lives and he quoted psalm 37:4 which got me thinking about it. For a lot of people these verses are serious stumbling blocks because people think that what they want and what they pray is right.
Most people associate prayer with bringing requests before God. They ask God to heal this person or help them achieve something or they just ask for his blessing. None of these things are necessarily bad, but the problem is with the expectations that come with prayer, largely because of the verses above. We expect God to bless us, to give us certain things, like we deserve it. Pastor Aaron spoke on this once. He used the example of when he was student teaching. He once gave one kid in his class a small bag of candy, and all the other kids in the class got upset. Why? The candy wasn't theirs. He didn't take it away from them to give to the other kid. He didn't tell them they were going to all get candy. They assumed they would get some, that they deserved some.
The second and far more serious problem with our prayer lives and these verses is our tainted perception. We assume that because we read our bible every day, go to church, support missions, pray, and all that jazz that we are delighting in the Lord and remaining in His word. While all those things certainly are important and have there place in ways that we exercise our faith, they aren't our faith. Our faith is built on God. His mercy, His grace, His justice, His glory, everything about him. Our part in our faith is the complete and total submission and trust in Him. Anything else is for exercising that faith and learning more about it and about God. Who is prayer for? Who benefits from it? God? Or was prayer made for us. To comfort, encourage and challenge us. Under our normal, basic understanding of prayer(communication with God), God really doesn't have any need for it. He can communicate with us anyway he wants, and he already knows what we're going to say to him and what we're going to ask of him.
Anyways, that was all secondary thought to what the pastor said today and what caught my attention. He said that when we delight in God he gives us the desires of our hearts. That just blew me away. The fact that God would give us the desires of our hearts is just so incredible. If you're thinking that I'm talking about my wants and needs, that God gives us "the desires of our hearts" as in the stuff we want or things we want to see happen, you're wrong. God's gives us "the desire of our hearts" as in our actual desires. When we delight in God, He doesn't give us what we want. What we want changes to what He wants and has planned for us. I'll say it again. When we delight in God, He doesn't just give us what we want or think we want but He changes our desires to match His own. If He merely gave us what we wanted then it would be a lot harder to be satisfied and delight in God because we will always be able to come up with more things that we want or think we want. But God goes gives us His desires, so that we may be satisfied and find peace in our lives. Oh, how He loves us!
One final thought: Do you ever wonder why we rarely pray to Jesus and almost never pray to the Holy Spirit? We typically address God the Father. Why? Aren't they all God? All equal?
Because of his grace and for his glory.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Final exams
So at the beginning of the semester I wanted to try to boost my overall GPA to a 3.4. To do that I needed to get a 3.7 for the semester. Up until my second round of midterms I thought I could pull it off, but as I started to calculate the grades I was getting, I quickly lost hope. Then came finals week. I only had three finals but two of them were awful. I would have been ecstatic to get 60% on them. Anyways here are my final grades
EE 311: A (got like a 50 on the final. I guess it helps to know the professor and have him respect you)
Stat 418: A- (Thanks to a midterm drop)
English 202c: A (lots of projects but nothing too difficult
Racquetball: A (and class champion after an epic comeback)
Math 412: B (thought I got a 40% on the final and never did very good on the homework)
So totalled up, guess what my GPA for the semester was. 3.7. After all the stress and worrying, when I finished my finals I was able to just let it go, and commit my grades to God and whatever happens happens. It's crazy how much God blesses us. I've really been able to see Him work in little things and prove his faithfulness this year.
Because of his grace and for his glory.
EE 311: A (got like a 50 on the final. I guess it helps to know the professor and have him respect you)
Stat 418: A- (Thanks to a midterm drop)
English 202c: A (lots of projects but nothing too difficult
Racquetball: A (and class champion after an epic comeback)
Math 412: B (thought I got a 40% on the final and never did very good on the homework)
So totalled up, guess what my GPA for the semester was. 3.7. After all the stress and worrying, when I finished my finals I was able to just let it go, and commit my grades to God and whatever happens happens. It's crazy how much God blesses us. I've really been able to see Him work in little things and prove his faithfulness this year.
Because of his grace and for his glory.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Pile it on
I am very hesitant to say that my life sucks. I know how blessed I am and how so many people are far worse off, but sometimes life is really difficult. The past couple weeks I feel like everything has been going wrong. My parents are stilled unemployed. I lost a scholarship from Penn State. I've been spending a lot of time with this girl, hoping that it would develop into something, and we talked about, but she doesn't want to be in a relationship. For a while it looked like my grades were going to slip a a decent amount. I've been trying to get this job, but the guy hasn't been calling me back and it's been pretty frustrating. My grandmother had blood clots in her spine and passed away today. It's that time in my life where life just seems to pile it on. I don't know when it's going to stop. All of this has just added to my struggle with being at ACF.
I don't know if I can do it anymore. I don't know if I can keep going to ACF. I don't think anybody really wants me there. Earlier this year I didn't go to ACF for a couple weeks and the only people that said anything to me didn't really care why I wasn't there. They just expected me to be just because I'm always there and I'm the head trustee. It's really frustrating. Especially when there are people that I am directly responsible for their involvement and ACF, like Jenny, Charlotte, and John, and people want them to be there, and they are more a part of ACF in their little time there than I have ever been in three years.
My walk with God hasn't been too good recently and I'm at the point in my life where I really need to take care of myself, and be selfish and think of myself first for a little bit. I'm not really sure what I need, but I don't think ACF can give it to me because it hasn't the past three years. I'm not going to keep going to ACF if people don't want me there and if I don't really want to be there.
Because of his grace and for his glory
I don't know if I can do it anymore. I don't know if I can keep going to ACF. I don't think anybody really wants me there. Earlier this year I didn't go to ACF for a couple weeks and the only people that said anything to me didn't really care why I wasn't there. They just expected me to be just because I'm always there and I'm the head trustee. It's really frustrating. Especially when there are people that I am directly responsible for their involvement and ACF, like Jenny, Charlotte, and John, and people want them to be there, and they are more a part of ACF in their little time there than I have ever been in three years.
My walk with God hasn't been too good recently and I'm at the point in my life where I really need to take care of myself, and be selfish and think of myself first for a little bit. I'm not really sure what I need, but I don't think ACF can give it to me because it hasn't the past three years. I'm not going to keep going to ACF if people don't want me there and if I don't really want to be there.
Because of his grace and for his glory
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
So close to being this far
I've been writing recently. It's not really a poem but if you want to classify it as something I guess you would call it a poem. It's far from done, but this is what I've got so far:
I sit here at the end of the day
wondering what happened
Where did it all go?
It seems like it was yesterday
I was living like a prince
Indulging myself with all the riches
the world has to offer me
Now there's just You and me
It barely feels like it's enough
Not wanting to stay
Not able to go
There's nothing left to do
but let these feelings consume me
Lost in the desert of my thoughts
with nothing to subdue my thirst
Your voice flowed like water
curing me of all my ailments
And I felt like there was no other choice
So I followed
All the while wondering if you knew
Knew who I was
Knew what you were getting into
but who am I to question God
Now, that burning bush is gone
without a trace
Well, this must be a dream
because no fire dies that fast
I open my eyes
and you are nowhere to be found
All this time I never realized
how close I was
to being this far away
I look down to find a serpent
latched onto my leg
with no intent of letting go
I swear it used to be a stick
with no other purpose than to help me
on my walk down this long forsaken road
I let that snake stay
Not caring enough to just reach down
and try to pull it off
And so it consumes me
My blood flows thick with despair and regret
Where do I go from here?
Nothing short of losing my inheritance
could make me change my mind
I feel so cold
I can't even remember
what's it's like to be warm
I never knew how close I was
to being this far away
I sit here at the end of the day
wondering what happened
Where did it all go?
It seems like it was yesterday
I was living like a prince
Indulging myself with all the riches
the world has to offer me
Now there's just You and me
It barely feels like it's enough
Not wanting to stay
Not able to go
There's nothing left to do
but let these feelings consume me
Lost in the desert of my thoughts
with nothing to subdue my thirst
Your voice flowed like water
curing me of all my ailments
And I felt like there was no other choice
So I followed
All the while wondering if you knew
Knew who I was
Knew what you were getting into
but who am I to question God
Now, that burning bush is gone
without a trace
Well, this must be a dream
because no fire dies that fast
I open my eyes
and you are nowhere to be found
All this time I never realized
how close I was
to being this far away
I look down to find a serpent
latched onto my leg
with no intent of letting go
I swear it used to be a stick
with no other purpose than to help me
on my walk down this long forsaken road
I let that snake stay
Not caring enough to just reach down
and try to pull it off
And so it consumes me
My blood flows thick with despair and regret
Where do I go from here?
Nothing short of losing my inheritance
could make me change my mind
I feel so cold
I can't even remember
what's it's like to be warm
I never knew how close I was
to being this far away
Monday, April 27, 2009
King of Wishful Thinking
I don't need to fall at your feet
Just 'cause you cut me to the bone
And I won't miss the way that you kiss me
We were never carved in stone
If I don't listen to the talk of the town
Then maybe I can fool myself..
I'll get over you.. I know I will
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking
I am the king of wishful thinking
I refuse to give in to my blues
That's not how it's going to be
And I deny the tears in my eyes
I don't want to let you see.. no
That you have made a hole in my heart
And now I've got to fool myself..
I'll get over you.. I know I will
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking..
I'll get over you.. I know I will
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking
I will never, never shed a tear for you
I'll get over you
If I don't listen to the talk of the town
Then maybe I can fool myself..
I'll get over you.. I know I will
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking
I'm the king of wishful thinking
I'll get over you.. I know I will
You made a hole in my heart
But I won't shed a tear for you
I'll be the king of wishful thinking
I'll get over you..
I'll pretend my heart's still beating
'cause I've got no more tears for you
I'm the king of wishful thinking..
I'll get over you.. I know I will
You made a hole in my heart
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking
Just 'cause you cut me to the bone
And I won't miss the way that you kiss me
We were never carved in stone
If I don't listen to the talk of the town
Then maybe I can fool myself..
I'll get over you.. I know I will
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking
I am the king of wishful thinking
I refuse to give in to my blues
That's not how it's going to be
And I deny the tears in my eyes
I don't want to let you see.. no
That you have made a hole in my heart
And now I've got to fool myself..
I'll get over you.. I know I will
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking..
I'll get over you.. I know I will
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking
I will never, never shed a tear for you
I'll get over you
If I don't listen to the talk of the town
Then maybe I can fool myself..
I'll get over you.. I know I will
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking
I'm the king of wishful thinking
I'll get over you.. I know I will
You made a hole in my heart
But I won't shed a tear for you
I'll be the king of wishful thinking
I'll get over you..
I'll pretend my heart's still beating
'cause I've got no more tears for you
I'm the king of wishful thinking..
I'll get over you.. I know I will
You made a hole in my heart
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking
Friday, April 24, 2009
Ponytail Parade
I feel like this song was written for me. It pretty much sums up how feeling right now.
Three sleepless nights
This isn't how its supposed to be
But you're so good at taking your time to get back to me
And i will wait for you forever
If you would just ask me
And i thought that i could change you, but you've changed me
It doesn't feel right holding someone elses hand
Together on phone lines, living at two opposite ends
It scares me to think that you could find takers other than me
And better than me
But your head is elsewhere and i'm talking enough for both of us
when will you see? it's not (it's not) so easy for me
But you're careless, (i fall from ) and whispered, (your eyes)
(i trusted) insulting, and bruising (i thought that you said forever)
and i thought that you said things were improving
these laces are untied, but my feet are still walking away. away.
(laces .. are .. untied .. but my feet .. are still walking away)
I never thought that you could say these words, is this really happening?
I never thought that you could say these words, is this really happening?
(don't say...)
I never thought that you could say these words, is this really happening?
(don't say that we can...)
I never thought that you could say these words, is this really happening?
(don't say that we can still be... )
I never thought that you could say these words, is this really happening?
(don't say that we can still be friends )
Erase my name from this page.
how can you take all these days?
(what is inside of me, what have i done?)
and throw them away
(is this the only way that you'll notice me?)
as i sit here waiting for you (for you)
(dead words for closed ears all this is sung for you)
I stay up nights
(if you're still pretending this is what's right)
until stars leave the sky
(why can't you look at me can you only see)
knowing what my dreams can take away
(one side your side, can take away)
Walk away from me.
This night is done.
Three sleepless nights
This isn't how its supposed to be
But you're so good at taking your time to get back to me
And i will wait for you forever
If you would just ask me
And i thought that i could change you, but you've changed me
It doesn't feel right holding someone elses hand
Together on phone lines, living at two opposite ends
It scares me to think that you could find takers other than me
And better than me
But your head is elsewhere and i'm talking enough for both of us
when will you see? it's not (it's not) so easy for me
But you're careless, (i fall from ) and whispered, (your eyes)
(i trusted) insulting, and bruising (i thought that you said forever)
and i thought that you said things were improving
these laces are untied, but my feet are still walking away. away.
(laces .. are .. untied .. but my feet .. are still walking away)
I never thought that you could say these words, is this really happening?
I never thought that you could say these words, is this really happening?
(don't say...)
I never thought that you could say these words, is this really happening?
(don't say that we can...)
I never thought that you could say these words, is this really happening?
(don't say that we can still be... )
I never thought that you could say these words, is this really happening?
(don't say that we can still be friends )
Erase my name from this page.
how can you take all these days?
(what is inside of me, what have i done?)
and throw them away
(is this the only way that you'll notice me?)
as i sit here waiting for you (for you)
(dead words for closed ears all this is sung for you)
I stay up nights
(if you're still pretending this is what's right)
until stars leave the sky
(why can't you look at me can you only see)
knowing what my dreams can take away
(one side your side, can take away)
Walk away from me.
This night is done.
Jesus Christ
Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone that could save
If they don't put me away
It’ll be a miracle
Do you believe you're missing out?
That everything good is happening somewhere else
But with nobody in your bed
The night is hard to get through
And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won’t know anyone
Well, Jesus Christ, I’m alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Because this problem's gonna last
More than the weekend
Well, Jesus Christ I’m not scared to die
I’m a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot
Do I float through the ceiling
Do I divide and fall apart
Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
This ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?
I know you'll come in the night like a thief
But I’ve had some time alone to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up
(everyone now)
So do you think that we could work out a sign
So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try
I know you'll come for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails,
And talk dirt at hating factories
But, we all got wood and nails
And talk dirt at hating factories
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine
The kind you'd find on someone that could save
If they don't put me away
It’ll be a miracle
Do you believe you're missing out?
That everything good is happening somewhere else
But with nobody in your bed
The night is hard to get through
And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won’t know anyone
Well, Jesus Christ, I’m alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Because this problem's gonna last
More than the weekend
Well, Jesus Christ I’m not scared to die
I’m a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot
Do I float through the ceiling
Do I divide and fall apart
Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
This ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?
I know you'll come in the night like a thief
But I’ve had some time alone to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up
(everyone now)
So do you think that we could work out a sign
So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try
I know you'll come for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails,
And talk dirt at hating factories
But, we all got wood and nails
And talk dirt at hating factories
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine
Sunday, April 19, 2009
They Care
The seats fill, what do you see?
“Am I here for them, are they here for me?”
They listen and they hear your words
“But do I mean everything they’ve heard?”
They care, and they think you do
That’s why they care for you
Your lungs fill, with the breath they breathe
Is the moment now only make believe?
They care, and they think you do
That’s why they follow you
The stage is an alter; its foundation is trust
What is sung here or spoken either heals or it cuts
Leadership is a privilege offered only by grace
To abuse your position for your benefit
Is to spit in God’s face
They care, and they think you do
That’s why they care for you
“Am I here for them, are they here for me?”
They listen and they hear your words
“But do I mean everything they’ve heard?”
They care, and they think you do
That’s why they care for you
Your lungs fill, with the breath they breathe
Is the moment now only make believe?
They care, and they think you do
That’s why they follow you
The stage is an alter; its foundation is trust
What is sung here or spoken either heals or it cuts
Leadership is a privilege offered only by grace
To abuse your position for your benefit
Is to spit in God’s face
They care, and they think you do
That’s why they care for you
Friday, April 10, 2009
He loves us
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…
He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how he loves us
oh, how he loves
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…
He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how he loves us
oh, how he loves
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Angry
I've been really angry recently. I'm not really sure why, but it's gotten to the point where I can't tell when I should be mad and when I shouldn't. I need a break. I can't wait for summer...
Monday, March 16, 2009
Safety, Comfort, and the Spaces in Between
I haven't posted in awihle. Not because I haven't had anything to write about, but I've been struggling to find the time and the words to write. I just got back from spring break yesterday and it was really weird. I'm not entirely sure why I feel this way, but I do. I'm not going to write about eveything because that would take forever, but just some highlights.
Praying for safety especially for traveling has become something that we rarely think about, and even when we do think about it, we think (or at least I think) " sure. Sounds good. Whatever." It's not something that we are regularly concerned about. Well, on my way down to Mississippi I was in my first car accident!!! Surprise!!! The car spun out and rolled stopping with the passengers side on the ground and facing the oppostie direction we were travelling. I was in the passenger's seat. It was nothing short of a miracle that no one was hurt. Especially since two people didn't have seatbelts on, one of which was laying down. One cool thing about it was that my church back home was praying for safety right around the same time that the accident happened. A lot of times when we pray for things we typically think about it or pray about it the wrong, and when God answers prayer it's rarely what we expect it to be. When we pray for safety we typically are thinking that God will prevent accidents from happening. Even before the accident I have been really stuggling with trusting God with a lot of different circumstances and I prayed about it, and I feel that the car accident was an answer to prayer. If God can carry me through that then shouldn't I be able to trust him with money and school and relationships?
Moving on.
A couple weeks ago we had girls and guys nights at ACF, and Pete Horning came to speek with the guys. Part of what we talked about was doing ministry out of your comofort zone especially in the work place. That phrase, "stepping out of your comfort zone," has become annoying to me mainly becasue I everyone says it, but very few people actually do it, but it got me thinking about my comfort zone and ACF.
I don't belong at ACF. I struggle almost everyday with trying to feel like I belong with the people at ACF, but I don't and I know I don't. It's not really a question of my ministry. I definitely feel called to be a part of ACF's ministry to Penn State, but it's definitely way outside my comfort zone. I sometimes even feel jealous of people who fit in at ACF. A freshman who I've been hanging out a lot with (she actually is the one who was drving when the car crashed) has even said how much she feels welcomed by ACF and how impressed she is by that. That's something I've never experienced. There are individuals that I've felt comfortable around or that welcomed me, but in general I've never really felt welcomed by or a part of ACF. I've never had a spiritual mentor and nobody has ever really gone out of their way to include me. There was a period of time towards the end of freshman year when Jordan Egli would invite me to a lot of random things which was sweet, but it didn't last, and we don't really hang out at all anymore. Even the people I do spend time with or feel comfortable around, it's almost always me who calls them or invites them to things. Sometimes that really bothers me.
As far as eveything else, I really have no clue what's coming next. I don't really have plans for the summer, but I'll probably end up in State College hopefully with an internship or research position or just working part time. I don't even know if I'll take classes in the fall. I've been thinking about taking a semester off and working, but we'll see. That partly depends on whether I get the scholarships I need. One of my roomates said something that stuck with me. He said, "there are two kinds of greed. People who work to gets lots of money and buy lots of stuff and people who don't have a lot of money but think about it all the time." I don't have a lot of money and that needs to be addressed, but I struggle with thinking about it too much.
That's it for now.
Because of his grace and for his glory.
Praying for safety especially for traveling has become something that we rarely think about, and even when we do think about it, we think (or at least I think) " sure. Sounds good. Whatever." It's not something that we are regularly concerned about. Well, on my way down to Mississippi I was in my first car accident!!! Surprise!!! The car spun out and rolled stopping with the passengers side on the ground and facing the oppostie direction we were travelling. I was in the passenger's seat. It was nothing short of a miracle that no one was hurt. Especially since two people didn't have seatbelts on, one of which was laying down. One cool thing about it was that my church back home was praying for safety right around the same time that the accident happened. A lot of times when we pray for things we typically think about it or pray about it the wrong, and when God answers prayer it's rarely what we expect it to be. When we pray for safety we typically are thinking that God will prevent accidents from happening. Even before the accident I have been really stuggling with trusting God with a lot of different circumstances and I prayed about it, and I feel that the car accident was an answer to prayer. If God can carry me through that then shouldn't I be able to trust him with money and school and relationships?
Moving on.
A couple weeks ago we had girls and guys nights at ACF, and Pete Horning came to speek with the guys. Part of what we talked about was doing ministry out of your comofort zone especially in the work place. That phrase, "stepping out of your comfort zone," has become annoying to me mainly becasue I everyone says it, but very few people actually do it, but it got me thinking about my comfort zone and ACF.
I don't belong at ACF. I struggle almost everyday with trying to feel like I belong with the people at ACF, but I don't and I know I don't. It's not really a question of my ministry. I definitely feel called to be a part of ACF's ministry to Penn State, but it's definitely way outside my comfort zone. I sometimes even feel jealous of people who fit in at ACF. A freshman who I've been hanging out a lot with (she actually is the one who was drving when the car crashed) has even said how much she feels welcomed by ACF and how impressed she is by that. That's something I've never experienced. There are individuals that I've felt comfortable around or that welcomed me, but in general I've never really felt welcomed by or a part of ACF. I've never had a spiritual mentor and nobody has ever really gone out of their way to include me. There was a period of time towards the end of freshman year when Jordan Egli would invite me to a lot of random things which was sweet, but it didn't last, and we don't really hang out at all anymore. Even the people I do spend time with or feel comfortable around, it's almost always me who calls them or invites them to things. Sometimes that really bothers me.
As far as eveything else, I really have no clue what's coming next. I don't really have plans for the summer, but I'll probably end up in State College hopefully with an internship or research position or just working part time. I don't even know if I'll take classes in the fall. I've been thinking about taking a semester off and working, but we'll see. That partly depends on whether I get the scholarships I need. One of my roomates said something that stuck with me. He said, "there are two kinds of greed. People who work to gets lots of money and buy lots of stuff and people who don't have a lot of money but think about it all the time." I don't have a lot of money and that needs to be addressed, but I struggle with thinking about it too much.
That's it for now.
Because of his grace and for his glory.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Homework? yes please
So some of friends are taking or have taken classes where some of their homework assignments have been to go to a certain type of concert (i.e. Jazz) or watch a specific movie. Why can't I get homework assignments like that? All I get is relating the wave equation to the diffusion equation and design a mono to stereo audio amplifier for a fake company. What's the deal yo?
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Half Alive
It's four AM, I'm waking up to your perfume
Don't get up, I'll get through on my own
I don't know if I'm home
Or if I lost the way into your room
I'm spiraling into my doom
I'm feeling half alive but I know one day
You and I will be free,
To live and die by our own rules,
Free..
Despite the fact that men are fools.
I'm almost alive, and I need you to try
And save me.
It's okay that we're dying,
But I need to survive tonight, tonight.
Well excuse me while I get killed softly,
Heart slows down and I can hardly tell you I'm okay
At least 'til yesterday,
You know you got me off my highest guard,
Believe me when I say it's hard.
We'll get through this tonight
And I know one day you and I will be free
To live and die by our own rules,
Free..
Despite the fact that men are fools.
I'm almost alive, and I need you to try
And save me.
It's okay that we're dying,
But I need to survive tonight, tonight.
And you touch my hand ever so slightly
(Girl we're not ready for this yet)
And the deadly look she cast upon me
I won't regret, I won't regret
I won't regret. I won't regret...
And I was trying to disappear,
But you got me wrapped around you
I can hardly breathe without you
I was trying to disappear
But I got lost in your eyes now,
You brought me down to size now.
I'm almost alive
And I need you to try and save me.
It's okay that we're dying
But I need to survive tonight, tonight
Tonight...
I'm almost alive, and I need you to try
And save me.
It's okay that we're dying,
But I need to survive tonight, tonight.
I need to survive tonight, tonight
Don't get up, I'll get through on my own
I don't know if I'm home
Or if I lost the way into your room
I'm spiraling into my doom
I'm feeling half alive but I know one day
You and I will be free,
To live and die by our own rules,
Free..
Despite the fact that men are fools.
I'm almost alive, and I need you to try
And save me.
It's okay that we're dying,
But I need to survive tonight, tonight.
Well excuse me while I get killed softly,
Heart slows down and I can hardly tell you I'm okay
At least 'til yesterday,
You know you got me off my highest guard,
Believe me when I say it's hard.
We'll get through this tonight
And I know one day you and I will be free
To live and die by our own rules,
Free..
Despite the fact that men are fools.
I'm almost alive, and I need you to try
And save me.
It's okay that we're dying,
But I need to survive tonight, tonight.
And you touch my hand ever so slightly
(Girl we're not ready for this yet)
And the deadly look she cast upon me
I won't regret, I won't regret
I won't regret. I won't regret...
And I was trying to disappear,
But you got me wrapped around you
I can hardly breathe without you
I was trying to disappear
But I got lost in your eyes now,
You brought me down to size now.
I'm almost alive
And I need you to try and save me.
It's okay that we're dying
But I need to survive tonight, tonight
Tonight...
I'm almost alive, and I need you to try
And save me.
It's okay that we're dying,
But I need to survive tonight, tonight.
I need to survive tonight, tonight
Saturday, February 14, 2009
A Troubled Mind
There comes a certain time when we should contemplate
the end of everything familiar as we know it
we will not follow the same path tomorrow as yesterday
oh the way i slowly lose my mind
it just reminds me i should limit my
time on selfish things i don't need anyway
i don't know where i'm going
i don't know where i was
i just know that i need you wherever I end up
and if i lose my head you'll help me see where i should go
as simple as a message to me as can be (as can be)
i only want something to let me know you're here
oh the way i slowly lose my mind
it just reminds me i should limit my
time on selfish things i don't need anyway
i don't know where i'm going
i don't know where i was
i just know that i need you wherever I end up
and if i lose my head you'll help me see where i should go
if my mind slowly disintegrates into something useless
will i still have your sweet embrace to keep me company?
will i have still have that sweet embrace to keep me company?
i don't know where i'm going
i don't know where i was
i just know that i need you wherever I end up
and if i lose my head you'll help me see where i should go
the end of everything familiar as we know it
we will not follow the same path tomorrow as yesterday
oh the way i slowly lose my mind
it just reminds me i should limit my
time on selfish things i don't need anyway
i don't know where i'm going
i don't know where i was
i just know that i need you wherever I end up
and if i lose my head you'll help me see where i should go
as simple as a message to me as can be (as can be)
i only want something to let me know you're here
oh the way i slowly lose my mind
it just reminds me i should limit my
time on selfish things i don't need anyway
i don't know where i'm going
i don't know where i was
i just know that i need you wherever I end up
and if i lose my head you'll help me see where i should go
if my mind slowly disintegrates into something useless
will i still have your sweet embrace to keep me company?
will i have still have that sweet embrace to keep me company?
i don't know where i'm going
i don't know where i was
i just know that i need you wherever I end up
and if i lose my head you'll help me see where i should go
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Ninteen
Ancient sore oculi
Couldn't see the change
But blissful lights still happen
Through the darkest days
She strokes her hair
In the bathroom sink
It lost volume
It lost the will to give
I gave up
On falling asleep
As the hands began to shove
Before you've even seen it
The old horizon's gone
Another recollection
Of the blind, deaf summer sun.
But eyes are not the be all
And end all of the west
The east may hold a pair now
But maybe just address the doubts you have
There's no great rush to make this change
She showed some sense some time ago
When she was happy
She thought that this would make her happier.
I've told you for the fifth time
I've told you for the twelfth
I'll give up just when you will
You better warn yourself
You'll get left back
In the cold and rain
And now and again
Balancing your roles
I see you get bogged down
And though you say it's not good
Your life still lingers on
And so now, little gosling,
Don't become a swan.
I tried to be so special
And I thought I was alone
I wanted to be special
But I failed us all
So please, now,
Please just trust me
Your life still lingers on
And so now, little gosling
Don't become a swan
Couldn't see the change
But blissful lights still happen
Through the darkest days
She strokes her hair
In the bathroom sink
It lost volume
It lost the will to give
I gave up
On falling asleep
As the hands began to shove
Before you've even seen it
The old horizon's gone
Another recollection
Of the blind, deaf summer sun.
But eyes are not the be all
And end all of the west
The east may hold a pair now
But maybe just address the doubts you have
There's no great rush to make this change
She showed some sense some time ago
When she was happy
She thought that this would make her happier.
I've told you for the fifth time
I've told you for the twelfth
I'll give up just when you will
You better warn yourself
You'll get left back
In the cold and rain
And now and again
Balancing your roles
I see you get bogged down
And though you say it's not good
Your life still lingers on
And so now, little gosling,
Don't become a swan.
I tried to be so special
And I thought I was alone
I wanted to be special
But I failed us all
So please, now,
Please just trust me
Your life still lingers on
And so now, little gosling
Don't become a swan
Thursday, February 5, 2009
A few thoughts
I've been meaning to write about some things for awhile, but I don't think they deserve their own posts, so I'm combining them on to one.
1. Act your age
So I haven't had much luck in relationships with girls my age even if we're just friends I never really get that close to them or I eventually say or do something really stupid and is tarnishes our friendship, but surround me with females not close to my age and I'm a stud. I work in one of the dining commons on campus and I work with some older ladies. Some of then are in their 40s and some are older than my mom, but every time I work with them they tell me how much they love me and that I'm the best. Seriously. I was having lunch with a friend of mine and I went to say hi to one of ladies I work with, and as I'm walking away she says to one of the people she was working with "he's the best." There's also half a bus of middle school girls who think I'm the greatest thing in the world, but I'll save that story for later. Even any minor success I've had with any type of relationships with girls close to my own age has come with girls a couple years older or younger than me.
2. It's good to be king
So I'm taking a racquetball class this semester. I came into it just hoping to have fun and get better. After the first two days I thought I would be close to the top ten of the class, but it turns out that I'm probably the best player in the class. One day in class the instructor wanted to demonstrate how to referee a game, so he said he would pick two of the best players in the class, so that everyone else can watch and learn how to ref. Well, he picked me and some other guy, and I beat him 11-0. after that there was definitely a feeling of new found respect. I only talked to a couple of people in the class before that day. Most people didn't really care to get to know anyone else in the class, but after that day almost everyone remembers my name and acknowledges my presence whether in class or if they see me around campus. A while ago someone asked me what my proudest moment was,and I really didn't have an answer, but this might be it. I know I'm not really that good, but maybe I need to play someone who is really good to humble myself a little.
3. Tattoos
I've decided that I might get tattoos at some point in my life, and I know what they'll be. On the back of my left arm I'll put : החין של אלוהים (God's grace). And on the back of my right arm I'll put: הפאר של אלוהים (God's glory).
Because of his grace and for his glory.
1. Act your age
So I haven't had much luck in relationships with girls my age even if we're just friends I never really get that close to them or I eventually say or do something really stupid and is tarnishes our friendship, but surround me with females not close to my age and I'm a stud. I work in one of the dining commons on campus and I work with some older ladies. Some of then are in their 40s and some are older than my mom, but every time I work with them they tell me how much they love me and that I'm the best. Seriously. I was having lunch with a friend of mine and I went to say hi to one of ladies I work with, and as I'm walking away she says to one of the people she was working with "he's the best." There's also half a bus of middle school girls who think I'm the greatest thing in the world, but I'll save that story for later. Even any minor success I've had with any type of relationships with girls close to my own age has come with girls a couple years older or younger than me.
2. It's good to be king
So I'm taking a racquetball class this semester. I came into it just hoping to have fun and get better. After the first two days I thought I would be close to the top ten of the class, but it turns out that I'm probably the best player in the class. One day in class the instructor wanted to demonstrate how to referee a game, so he said he would pick two of the best players in the class, so that everyone else can watch and learn how to ref. Well, he picked me and some other guy, and I beat him 11-0. after that there was definitely a feeling of new found respect. I only talked to a couple of people in the class before that day. Most people didn't really care to get to know anyone else in the class, but after that day almost everyone remembers my name and acknowledges my presence whether in class or if they see me around campus. A while ago someone asked me what my proudest moment was,and I really didn't have an answer, but this might be it. I know I'm not really that good, but maybe I need to play someone who is really good to humble myself a little.
3. Tattoos
I've decided that I might get tattoos at some point in my life, and I know what they'll be. On the back of my left arm I'll put : החין של אלוהים (God's grace). And on the back of my right arm I'll put: הפאר של אלוהים (God's glory).
Because of his grace and for his glory.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Forward, Russia!
No I haven't turned into a communist. Every once in awhile when I want to write, but don't really have anything to write about I'll post lyrics or write about a band. Today it's Forward, Russia!
They're certainly an interesting band. The first time I heard them was when I saw their music video for their song "Nine" and it was really good. I like the style of it and the shots of the band and cuts they used. I bought one of their cds recently and I like it. They're really weird. They make some interesting and random musical statements, and you can almost never understand what they're singing about even if you can hear and understand all the words, but I like them. They're different maybe that's why I like them.
Forward, Russia!
They're certainly an interesting band. The first time I heard them was when I saw their music video for their song "Nine" and it was really good. I like the style of it and the shots of the band and cuts they used. I bought one of their cds recently and I like it. They're really weird. They make some interesting and random musical statements, and you can almost never understand what they're singing about even if you can hear and understand all the words, but I like them. They're different maybe that's why I like them.
Forward, Russia!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Where did you go?
And it feels like this is the last chance I have to say
Every word that I've been fighting.
Well I have finally decided, to hold my head up with pride
And accept the way life takes you through these changes.
Cause when you reach the stars, you've made it.
It's just something that I've been drying to let you know-
And now that you're gone I'm holding on, and I just can't let go
I get a little down on my self.
But when you came around
The world felt knew
I opened up my eyes to the light
And I saw deep inside of a love that was true
And if I ever let you go,
I'm hoping that some time will show-
That you're the one, you're the one for me
And it feels like this the perfect time for me to say
That deep down inside I'm hurting, but at least I know you're worth it.
And if I hold myself with pride and accept the pain
Then life will take me through these changes cause I have so much left to see.
It's just something that I've been dying to let you know.
Cause now that you're gone I'm holding on and I just can't let go.
I get a little down on my self.
But when you came around
The world felt new
I opened up my eyes to the light
And I saw deep inside of a love that was true.
And if I ever let you go, I'm hoping that some time will show-
That you're the one, you're the one for me
So lets go back down to the back of that river where we we can dive right in
And forget about the worries from the world outside, cause you know my world,
My worlds not over because I have an angel on my shoulder.
And I'll be coming home, and when I feel those butterflies
I'll see that I need to find a better way just to believe you're gone.
So long, some day I'll find the strength to move on.
I get a little down on my self.
But when you came around
The world felt new
I opened up my eyes to the light,
And I saw deep inside of a love that was true.
And if I ever let you go,
I'm hoping that some time will show.
Cause you're the one, you're the one for me.
Every word that I've been fighting.
Well I have finally decided, to hold my head up with pride
And accept the way life takes you through these changes.
Cause when you reach the stars, you've made it.
It's just something that I've been drying to let you know-
And now that you're gone I'm holding on, and I just can't let go
I get a little down on my self.
But when you came around
The world felt knew
I opened up my eyes to the light
And I saw deep inside of a love that was true
And if I ever let you go,
I'm hoping that some time will show-
That you're the one, you're the one for me
And it feels like this the perfect time for me to say
That deep down inside I'm hurting, but at least I know you're worth it.
And if I hold myself with pride and accept the pain
Then life will take me through these changes cause I have so much left to see.
It's just something that I've been dying to let you know.
Cause now that you're gone I'm holding on and I just can't let go.
I get a little down on my self.
But when you came around
The world felt new
I opened up my eyes to the light
And I saw deep inside of a love that was true.
And if I ever let you go, I'm hoping that some time will show-
That you're the one, you're the one for me
So lets go back down to the back of that river where we we can dive right in
And forget about the worries from the world outside, cause you know my world,
My worlds not over because I have an angel on my shoulder.
And I'll be coming home, and when I feel those butterflies
I'll see that I need to find a better way just to believe you're gone.
So long, some day I'll find the strength to move on.
I get a little down on my self.
But when you came around
The world felt new
I opened up my eyes to the light,
And I saw deep inside of a love that was true.
And if I ever let you go,
I'm hoping that some time will show.
Cause you're the one, you're the one for me.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
The man
So once again I find myself raving about my favorite artist: William Fitzsimmons. He recently did on online concert where he his in a studio and was streaming live and a bunch of people watched and listened and sent him messages while he played. He's so good.
a little video
It's also fairly appropriate for what's been going on in my life recently.
a little video
It's also fairly appropriate for what's been going on in my life recently.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Inaugural Thoughts
So I watched Obama's inauguration today. I don't know why. I didn't vote for him. He was going to president whether I watched him or not, and I'm typically not one for that kind of pomp and circumstance. Anyways here are some of my thoughts about what I saw.
The best: I don't know if you watched it or even if you saw the whole thing, but I started watching when the Clintons came out, and for me the best part of the inauguration was the guy with the bright red scarf and fedora. He was to the left of the stairs about half way down. I have no clue who he was or why he was there, but his fedora was sweet.
Obama's entrance and red fedora.
The worst: Regardless of what actually happens during the next year or two, Obama will be infallible. The media's love affair with him coupled by the overplayed historical significance and radical fans opens almost unlimited doors for Barack to do pretty much whatever he wants. Even if the economy gets worse and he fails to deliver on the promises he's made no one will blame him for a year or two. That could end being good, but I don't like it.
The terrifying: Joe Biden is vice president. I would take a bullet to save Barack if for no other reason than to keep Joe Biden from becoming president.
He's crazy.
The comical: I thought the screw ups in Barack's oath were funny. So what if he was excited and spoke too soon? So what if Chief Justice John Roberts said "to" instead of "of". It's funny. I also like the underlying irony that Barack opposed Roberts' appointment.
The sickly: Aretha Franklin. I know I'm not a music expert, but she sounded awful. She's 66 years old and no longer has any vocal range. There should have been someone closer to their prime singing, but ultimately it didn't cost anyone any r-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Nobody will remember: John Williams' compilation. I thought it was really good.
Air and Simple Gifts.
The controversial: I loved that Rick Warren ended with the Lord's prayer. Some people are mad that he did that because it is so strictly associated with Christianity and the whole separation of church and state, but nobody cares that Barack talked about God and "quoted" scripture. As pastor Aaron said on Sunday, if you don't want a christian to invoke the name of Jesus when praying then you should pick someone else.
And finally, The speech: Fresh off of CAS 100 I actually have an idea of what a good speech sounds like, and I approve of Barack's. Not that I'm surprised. It's what he does best.
Speech.
The best: I don't know if you watched it or even if you saw the whole thing, but I started watching when the Clintons came out, and for me the best part of the inauguration was the guy with the bright red scarf and fedora. He was to the left of the stairs about half way down. I have no clue who he was or why he was there, but his fedora was sweet.
Obama's entrance and red fedora.
The worst: Regardless of what actually happens during the next year or two, Obama will be infallible. The media's love affair with him coupled by the overplayed historical significance and radical fans opens almost unlimited doors for Barack to do pretty much whatever he wants. Even if the economy gets worse and he fails to deliver on the promises he's made no one will blame him for a year or two. That could end being good, but I don't like it.
The terrifying: Joe Biden is vice president. I would take a bullet to save Barack if for no other reason than to keep Joe Biden from becoming president.
He's crazy.
The comical: I thought the screw ups in Barack's oath were funny. So what if he was excited and spoke too soon? So what if Chief Justice John Roberts said "to" instead of "of". It's funny. I also like the underlying irony that Barack opposed Roberts' appointment.
The sickly: Aretha Franklin. I know I'm not a music expert, but she sounded awful. She's 66 years old and no longer has any vocal range. There should have been someone closer to their prime singing, but ultimately it didn't cost anyone any r-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Nobody will remember: John Williams' compilation. I thought it was really good.
Air and Simple Gifts.
The controversial: I loved that Rick Warren ended with the Lord's prayer. Some people are mad that he did that because it is so strictly associated with Christianity and the whole separation of church and state, but nobody cares that Barack talked about God and "quoted" scripture. As pastor Aaron said on Sunday, if you don't want a christian to invoke the name of Jesus when praying then you should pick someone else.
And finally, The speech: Fresh off of CAS 100 I actually have an idea of what a good speech sounds like, and I approve of Barack's. Not that I'm surprised. It's what he does best.
Speech.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Service Tax
Everything has its price. Even if you're doing something good, it's going to cost you something. The question how much are you willing to pay to do or get something, and what happens when the price is too high?
Lately I've been in a spiritual funk. I haven't been doing regular devotions. I haven't felt really good about anything. I just feel like crap, and I think a big part of the reason why I feel that way is because of my role in ACF. I am so concerned with the needs of the church and what I can do to meet those needs that I ignore my own needs. Is it possible to give too much? Should I be willing to sacrifice my own spiritual growth for the growth and development of the church? I shouldn't have, but if I had to choose one should I choose the church? I haven't learned how to maintain both.
That's one reason why the sabbath is so important. We need that time to step back, recharge, and if need be get focused back on God. That's what I've lost. ACF is no longer a place where I can come to make myself right with God. It no longer is part of my sabbath because I have responsibilities at ACF that need to be taken care of, and I haven't figured out how to replace that. A friend of mine said today that we need to just let God do things instead of us trying to do things, but that's not who I am. God uses us to accomplish things, and if something needs to be done, I'll do it. With so many things going on and so much to get done staying relaxed and calm is stressful. It's not that I'm trying to do everything by myself,maybe I am, but when other people at ACF can't or won't do something it usually falls to me because I'm wiling to do it. Maybe I should say no to more things.
I'm going to disappear for the next week and try to get back on track.
Because of his grace and for his glory.
Lately I've been in a spiritual funk. I haven't been doing regular devotions. I haven't felt really good about anything. I just feel like crap, and I think a big part of the reason why I feel that way is because of my role in ACF. I am so concerned with the needs of the church and what I can do to meet those needs that I ignore my own needs. Is it possible to give too much? Should I be willing to sacrifice my own spiritual growth for the growth and development of the church? I shouldn't have, but if I had to choose one should I choose the church? I haven't learned how to maintain both.
That's one reason why the sabbath is so important. We need that time to step back, recharge, and if need be get focused back on God. That's what I've lost. ACF is no longer a place where I can come to make myself right with God. It no longer is part of my sabbath because I have responsibilities at ACF that need to be taken care of, and I haven't figured out how to replace that. A friend of mine said today that we need to just let God do things instead of us trying to do things, but that's not who I am. God uses us to accomplish things, and if something needs to be done, I'll do it. With so many things going on and so much to get done staying relaxed and calm is stressful. It's not that I'm trying to do everything by myself,maybe I am, but when other people at ACF can't or won't do something it usually falls to me because I'm wiling to do it. Maybe I should say no to more things.
I'm going to disappear for the next week and try to get back on track.
Because of his grace and for his glory.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Hypocrisy # 785
We better pick up the pieces
Feels like we're losing control
To see the truth when it's naked
Just throws us out in the cold
I could make you a promise
Look you straight in the eye
But you know I find it so easy
To trade the truth for a lie, sometimes
Do as I say, not as I do to you
I'll only let you down when we're the only ones around
What's in your blood? What's in the air you breathe?
There's more than me and you choking on the golden rule
I could I tell you I love you
You'd say you've heard it before
It feels a lot like the last time
Always the same four chords
And though I know I'm a failure
Still I just have to believe
Somewhere someone's gonna show me
Just what this honesty needs
Do as I say, not as I do to you
I'll only let you down when we're the only ones around
What's in your blood? What's on your tv screen?
There's more than me and you choking on the golden rule
We're all politicians and TV preachers...
Someone save us from ourselves
Feels like we're losing control
To see the truth when it's naked
Just throws us out in the cold
I could make you a promise
Look you straight in the eye
But you know I find it so easy
To trade the truth for a lie, sometimes
Do as I say, not as I do to you
I'll only let you down when we're the only ones around
What's in your blood? What's in the air you breathe?
There's more than me and you choking on the golden rule
I could I tell you I love you
You'd say you've heard it before
It feels a lot like the last time
Always the same four chords
And though I know I'm a failure
Still I just have to believe
Somewhere someone's gonna show me
Just what this honesty needs
Do as I say, not as I do to you
I'll only let you down when we're the only ones around
What's in your blood? What's on your tv screen?
There's more than me and you choking on the golden rule
We're all politicians and TV preachers...
Someone save us from ourselves
Monday, January 5, 2009
Note to Self
Two roads split off from here,
and my life goes running in opposite directions.
Exaggerating the barrier between who I am,
and who I want to be.
I wanted to be the breath of fresh air,
When everything smelled so insincere.
But this taste still lingers in my mouth,
Deceit has ways of sticking around.
And I'm ready to disappear,
Vacation seems far(seems far) from here.
Note to self:
I miss you terribly.
This is what
we call a tragedy.
Come back to me,
Come back to me,
To me.
Note to self:
I miss you terribly.
This is what
we call a tragedy.
Come back to me,
back to me,
To me.
I can feel my mind
wandering again.
Into where I don't know,
and will I ever get home?
Time starts moving
faster than I can.
And I'm sick of this scene;
I need to break the routine.
Two roads...
Split off from here,
and my life goes running in opposite directions.
Exaggerating the barrier between who I am
and who I want to...
Which part of me is left?
I feel so close,
and yet I am so far.
Which part of me is lost?
I feel so close,
and yet I am so.... FAR!!!
and my life goes running in opposite directions.
Exaggerating the barrier between who I am,
and who I want to be.
I wanted to be the breath of fresh air,
When everything smelled so insincere.
But this taste still lingers in my mouth,
Deceit has ways of sticking around.
And I'm ready to disappear,
Vacation seems far(seems far) from here.
Note to self:
I miss you terribly.
This is what
we call a tragedy.
Come back to me,
Come back to me,
To me.
Note to self:
I miss you terribly.
This is what
we call a tragedy.
Come back to me,
back to me,
To me.
I can feel my mind
wandering again.
Into where I don't know,
and will I ever get home?
Time starts moving
faster than I can.
And I'm sick of this scene;
I need to break the routine.
Two roads...
Split off from here,
and my life goes running in opposite directions.
Exaggerating the barrier between who I am
and who I want to...
Which part of me is left?
I feel so close,
and yet I am so far.
Which part of me is lost?
I feel so close,
and yet I am so.... FAR!!!
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