Jealousy will get you no where

So I've been thinking about a lot of stuff recently. Mostly about how I view myself and I'm a pretty jealous and untrusting person.

I've been spending a lot of time with a girl that I met earlier this semester. No, we're not going out (at least not yet), but I've been trying not to make the same mistakes with her that I've made with other girls. The first time we were hanging out together alone I straight up told her that I liked her, but I wanted to get to know her better (thank you Matt Cohen), so we've been hanging out a lot, and it's been really good, but it's also showed me how much I still have to work on.

On Wednesday after ACF she was talking to a guy that I didn't really know that well, and to be honest I wasn't happy about it. I was jealous. Not because of how she looked at or acted with him or anything but because of my own insecurities. I have a very poor view of myself. My thought with any girl I liked has always been "She's great. She deserves better than me." Which is probably true, but that never thinking I'm good enough, not just for girls but for a lot of things, has really taken it's toll on me. I let my insecurities dictate the way I view a situation. I'm not jealous because he's a great guy (even though he is). I'm jealous because I look down on myself.

A couple days ago I was cleaning out my desk and I found a piece of paper from high school. In tenth grade I did this "stress management" thing with my guidance counselor and about eight other people. The underlying reasons why we get stressed over school work or home situations or whatever. For me it was about how I view myself and what I do. Most of my memories that really stand out are all the stupid or foolish things I've done, so many times I associate myself with those actions. Anyways this piece of paper was from that stress management group. On day we all had like 5 or 6 heart shaped pieces of paper that we wrote something about or for another person in the group. This paper said: "If only you could see yourself as others see you!" And my immediate thought was that if people saw me the way I saw me or knew the things that I knew about myself then they wouldn't think of me as such a good guy.

Once I told of friend of mine that I was a huge jerk. I didn't really tell her why. It was because a number of different things that I had done or handled poorly, but she didn't believe me. She said that I was a good guy. She only said that because she didn't know what I had done, but at the same time I think of myself poorly because I choose to dwell on the negative things I've experienced. Why is that?

Why do I choose to dislike myself? I used to confuse humility with a having a low self view. Prideful people hold themselves in high regard and think that they are better than other people, so to be humble we need to be the opposite of that right? FALSE. I know that's not true now, but I still look down on myself. I don't know why. I don't care if you read this. I told one of my roommates that he should blog, and he said he couldn't because he didn't want to write for other people and try to sound so holy or critical or whatever. I don't care if you read this because I don't write for you. I write for my own benefit and to help myself think through things. I invite you to read if you want as an opportunity to learn how to open up to more people and for God to open doors for us. That's all. Hallelujah. Amen. You are dismissed.

Because of his grace and for his glory.