'Tis the season that makes me vomit

I've been called a scrooge several times, and you might agree, but really I'm not. I'm just critical of how we "celebrate" our saviors birth. Why do we give each other presents? Why do we put up a tree in our living room and put lights on everything? Who came up with a fat guy in a red suit traveling around the world, eating cookies and giving out presents? I doubt anyone can tell me how most things we associate with "Christmas" is associated with the birth of Jesus Christ.

All these things do is distract a majority of people away from reality. That we are fallen and screwed up and the only way for us to be reconciled with our creator and father is for God himself to come to earth and die for us. And Hallelujah, he did!!! Nothing else we encounter that is so heavily "associated" with an event or holiday as Jesus with Christmas gets ignored as much as He does. Yes, if you went into a church yesterday there probably was a Christmas eve service. Hopefully focused on Christ. And maybe you had carolers come by and sing real Christmas songs. I'm going on a tangent to explain what real Christmas songs are. For me at least, real Christmas songs are hymns, or whatever you want to call them, that actually talk about Jesus. Not Santa Clause or Rudolph or a winter wonderland.

Anyways most people that "celebrate" Christmas don't do so because of Jesus and never mention his name around the holiday. That's the biggest part of my beef with Christmas.

This holiday also brings out as much bad in people as good. Have you ever been in a tragic shopping accident? I have and it's not uncommon in the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I saw "Jingle all the way" a little while ago. It's about a guy who promised his son an action figure and forgets, and by the time he remembers, they're all go. So he does whatever we has to get this doll. Including fighting a bunch of Santas. I know it's an extreme but a lot people parallel this type of behavior. Our materialistic nature comes to its ugly height at Christmas.

I'm not a scrooge. In fact I would say I feel this way about how we celebrate Christmas because of how much I love the holiday and how much it means to me.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Comical couple

So my brother has a girlfriend now. She came to our church's Christmas eve service, and she probably thinks I'm rude. They sat next to me, and I didn't look at her at all. I couldn't. I was having a hard enough time trying not to laugh. Not because of her or anything, but my brother. I just never thought I'd see this happen. Seriously. You'd have to know him to understand.

Angelina

Oh Angelina
You are the sun and the moon
Every song I ever sang, I stole it from you
I knew that nothing could tear us apart, I never even gave it a second thought
I was so sure and I was wrong, Now every single thing I ever had is gone

Nothing here is set in stone
Nothing's ever set in stone
Everything I have some day will fall apart and fade away

Oh Angelina
I learned my lesson this time
I took you for granted for so long And now I just wanna die
Every thing I ever got, I never even gave it a second thought
I was so sure, I was so sure - Now there's only one thing I know for sure

Nothing here is set in stone
Nothing's ever set in stone
Everything I have some day will fall apart and fade away


Nothing here is set in stone
Nothing's ever set in stone
Everything I have some day will fall apart and fade away

Nothing here is set in stone
Nothing's ever set in stone
Everything I have some day will fall apart and fade away

Nothing here is ever set in stone

Withdrawal

I'm a pessimist. I typically look at things in a negative even cynical way. Every once in awhile this gets me into trouble. Actually I go through bouts of depression pretty regularly. Especially around any type of holiday, like Christmas. It's not like I get depressed because I have a crappy family situation or no friends or anything. I just analyze and many times judge things and get depressed about what I see.

The reason sometimes it gets so bad is that I feed it. When I feel depressed or upset about something, I just withdraw more. It's not until I do something engaging with someone that I'm able to fight it off. Like a week ago I was feeling pretty down before, during, and right after the banquet at ACF, but once we got to the mount I started to feel a lot better about everything. I know how to fight feeling depressed, but I don't always do that. Why not?

I think part of us likes feeling miserable, if for no other reason because when we finally take comfort in something or are comforted it feels that much better. When the lows are really low the highs feel that much higher. But I also think, at least for myself, that I want to feel sorry for myself. I want to tell myself how bad I'm doing at everything, how I can never do anything right, so that I can sympathize with myself and justify how I'm feeling. I don't know. I'm just rambling now. I've said all I wanted to say.

"Anything Right"-P.O.D.

"So much to say so little time for me, to explain the way I feel
You only see, things the way you want to see them
It makes sense to you all these things you do
You’ve got it all figured out while everyone is confused
How do you do it?
In your mind I'm just blind
You're right all of the time
If I think for myself, I guess I'm way out of line
I'm not who you are
I'm so sorry


I can't do anything right
You don't know me, stay out of my life
Kick me while I'm down, I want you to
I can't be like you
Don't want to be like you

I can't do anything right
You don't know me, stay out of my life
Kick me while I'm down, I want you to
I can't be like you
Be like you

No matter what I do it's never good enough
I give all that is me; still it's never enough
So, why try? I give up.
What does it feel like to be in your shoes
And walk over everyone like you do?
Take me down again, I want you to.
You're lovely, so beautiful and
You're perfect in every way.
Your interior rusted and I'm so disgusted
Can't trust it. You're busted.


I can't do anything right
You don't know me, stay out of my life
Kick me while I'm down, I want you to
I can't be like you
Don't want to be like you

I can't do anything right
You don't know me, stay out of my life
Kick me while I'm down, I want you to
I can't be like you
Be like you

I can't do anything right

Is that it?"

Because of his grace and for his glory.

The real McCoy

Colt McCoy doesn't get any love.

Not only is he a stud athlete...

But he's also an amazing and humble guy.

I'm not saying Sam Bradford and Tim Tebow didn't deserve the awards they got, but Colt McCoy doesn't get enough love.

Public perception

I think about how other people see probably more than I should. I don't change who I am for other people, but I just want to know what other people think of me. I've been noticing a wide variety or perceptions the people have of me, most of them with serious flaws.

I've been fortunate enough to get to know some of the freshmen that come to ACF pretty well and one time I was having tea with one of them and we somehow ended up talking about how I'm pretty antisocial and not real friends with a ton of people. She didn't really believe me at first. Yeah I know most of the people at ACF, but I only really spend any significant amount of time with a handful, and while I'm not enemies with very many people I feel like I'm not really friends with people I don't spend time with. Anyways, she thought that I was friends with everyone and knew everyone and everyone knew me.

Another time I was having tea with a freshman we were talking about the banquet, which was coming up soon, and I said that I still wasn't sure if I was going and that I had never been to a fall banquet. And again she was surprised. She thought I was all gun ho, love ACF, go to everything. Sometimes I really can't stand being at ACF and don't want to go anymore, but maybe I'll write about that another time.

It's probably the worst in my own class. I'm not really friends with too many other juniors at ACF. Yeah I talk to them at ACF or if I see them around, but I don't really hang out with too many of them. Anyways I find that when I'm around people from my class I act and I think and view things differently because of the way that they see me. I don't really like it, and it's hard to explain, but there a lot of incorrect perceptions of me out there that I wish I could change.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Not now

Come here, please hold my hand, Lord, now
Help me, I'm scared please show me how
To fight this, God has a master plan
And I guess, I am in his demand

Please save me, this time I cannot run
And I'll see, you when this is done
And now I, have come to realize
That you are, the one who's left behind

Please stay untill I'm gone
I'm here hold on to me
I'm right here waiting

I see, the light it feels good
And I'll come, back soon just like you would
It's useless, my name has made the list
And I wish, I gave you one last kiss

Please stay until I'm gone
I'm here hold on to me
I'm right here waiting
And take my one last breath
And don't forget
That I will be right here waiting

Please stay until I'm gone
I'm here hold on to me
I'm right here waiting
And take my one last breath
And don't forget
That I will be right here waiting

Oh, Hugh

Hugh Jackman, I am sorely disappointed in you.

I had high hopes for you after The Prestige.
Wolverine had moments of disappointment, but overall was solid.

But now, not only have you gone and gotten yourself voted the sexiest man alive, but you have tainted what could have been an outstanding movie about racism and standing up for what you believe and finding where you belong and becoming a man with Hollywood's greatest blunder, the "I hate you, you hate me, lets fall in love" story.

Really Hugh, Really? I thought you were better than that.

Is any one else disappointed in mainstream Hollywood for making almost every story into a love story?

And yes the movie he tainted is Australia. Not awful, but far from worth eight bucks.

Jealousy will get you no where

So I've been thinking about a lot of stuff recently. Mostly about how I view myself and I'm a pretty jealous and untrusting person.

I've been spending a lot of time with a girl that I met earlier this semester. No, we're not going out (at least not yet), but I've been trying not to make the same mistakes with her that I've made with other girls. The first time we were hanging out together alone I straight up told her that I liked her, but I wanted to get to know her better (thank you Matt Cohen), so we've been hanging out a lot, and it's been really good, but it's also showed me how much I still have to work on.

On Wednesday after ACF she was talking to a guy that I didn't really know that well, and to be honest I wasn't happy about it. I was jealous. Not because of how she looked at or acted with him or anything but because of my own insecurities. I have a very poor view of myself. My thought with any girl I liked has always been "She's great. She deserves better than me." Which is probably true, but that never thinking I'm good enough, not just for girls but for a lot of things, has really taken it's toll on me. I let my insecurities dictate the way I view a situation. I'm not jealous because he's a great guy (even though he is). I'm jealous because I look down on myself.

A couple days ago I was cleaning out my desk and I found a piece of paper from high school. In tenth grade I did this "stress management" thing with my guidance counselor and about eight other people. The underlying reasons why we get stressed over school work or home situations or whatever. For me it was about how I view myself and what I do. Most of my memories that really stand out are all the stupid or foolish things I've done, so many times I associate myself with those actions. Anyways this piece of paper was from that stress management group. On day we all had like 5 or 6 heart shaped pieces of paper that we wrote something about or for another person in the group. This paper said: "If only you could see yourself as others see you!" And my immediate thought was that if people saw me the way I saw me or knew the things that I knew about myself then they wouldn't think of me as such a good guy.

Once I told of friend of mine that I was a huge jerk. I didn't really tell her why. It was because a number of different things that I had done or handled poorly, but she didn't believe me. She said that I was a good guy. She only said that because she didn't know what I had done, but at the same time I think of myself poorly because I choose to dwell on the negative things I've experienced. Why is that?

Why do I choose to dislike myself? I used to confuse humility with a having a low self view. Prideful people hold themselves in high regard and think that they are better than other people, so to be humble we need to be the opposite of that right? FALSE. I know that's not true now, but I still look down on myself. I don't know why. I don't care if you read this. I told one of my roommates that he should blog, and he said he couldn't because he didn't want to write for other people and try to sound so holy or critical or whatever. I don't care if you read this because I don't write for you. I write for my own benefit and to help myself think through things. I invite you to read if you want as an opportunity to learn how to open up to more people and for God to open doors for us. That's all. Hallelujah. Amen. You are dismissed.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Just give me something to believe

So I've basically been thinking and feeling in song for the past week or so. This past weekend I went canning and for extend periods of time I would just belt out in song the words on the signs around me because no one could here me except me. Anyways my last two posts were lyrics from songs, and this one will include lyrics as well.

Pastor Aaron spoke this morning a little about how people want to believe something. They are searching for something bigger than themselves, and I immediately thought of the song I'm going to post the lyrics for. It's cool because the guys in this band aren't Christians, so it just shows that Pastor Aaron was right.

I've been thinking a lot about the regular shouting matches that go on by the Willard building. The president of the atheist club is there all the time arguing with people even if the Willard preacher isn't around. I wonder if anyone has grabbed coffee with him and simply asked him what he believed without trying to disprove him or win an argument. That's how God uses us to save people. Not by winning a debate, but by a real conversation. By love. I thought about asking the atheist president to lunch to find out what he believes, but I haven't acted on it. Maybe I should. Anyway lyrics are below. Good song. "Believe" by The Bravery.

The faces all around me they don't smile they just crack
Waiting for our ship to come but our ships not coming back
We do have time like pennies in a jar
What are we saving for [x2]

There's a smell of stale feeling that's reeking from my skins
The drinking never stops because the drink absolves our sins
We sit and throw our roots into the floor
What are we waiting for [x2]

[chorus]
So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breathe
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

Somethings always coming you can hear it in the ground
It swells into the air
With the rising
Rising sound
And never comes but shakes the boards and rattles all the doors
What are we waiting for [x2]

[chorus]
So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breath
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

I am hiding from some beast
But the beast was always here
Watching without eyes
Because the beast is just my fear
That I am just nothing
Now its just what I've become
What am I waiting for
Its already done

[chorus]
So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breath
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

Above and Below

"Above and Below" by The Bravery

Sometimes I feel
Like I wanna leave this place for good
Under the ground
I'll live down there without a sound
And never hear
These hissing voices all the same
I'll disappear
Cause living makes me feel ashamed

I must believe
There's more above us and below
I must believe
Stranded with this bitch called hope
It keeps me here
When all I wanna do is go
It keeps me here
When all I wanna do is disappear

If this is it
When all we have and ever will
If this is it
Time is running out and standing still
I'll leave today
Cause there's nothing left to keep me here
I'll fade away

I'll turn my back and disappear
The city moves
Lunges up right from the ground
The seething Earth
It opens up and spits us out
This vicious child
Nature never wanted us
This vicious child
A cancer burning black into it's heart

If this is it
When all we have and ever will
If this is it
Time is running out and standing still
I'll leave today
Cause there's nothing left to keep me here
I'll fade away
I'll turn my back and disappear

Sometimes I feel
Like I wanna leave this place for good
Under the ground
I'll live down there without a sound
And never hear
These hissing voices all the same
I'll disappear
Cause living makes me feel ashamed

If this is it
When all we have and ever will
If this is it
Time is running out and standing still
I'll leave today
Cause there's nothing left to keep me here
I'll fade away
I'll turn my back and disappear
I'll turn my back and disappear

Nice to know you

Better than watching Geller bending silver spoons.
Better than witnessing new born nebulas in bloom.
She who sees from 'up high' smiles and surely sings.
Perspective pries her once weighty eyes and it
Gives you wings.

I haven't felt the way I feel today
In so long it's hard for me to specify.
I'm beginning to notice how much this feels
Like a waking limb... in pins and needles,
Nice to know you, good-bye x 4
Nice to know you... to know you

Deeper than the deepest Cousteau would ever go.
Higher than the heights of what we often think we know.
Blessed she who clearly sees the wood for the trees.
To obtain a 'birds eye' is to turn a blizzard to a breeze.

I haven't felt the way I feel today
In so long it's hard for me to specify.
I'm beginning to notice how much this
Feels like a waking limb... pins and needles,
Nice to know you, Good-bye x4
Nice to Know You, To know... You

So could it be that it had been there all along?
I haven't felt the way I feel today
In so long it's hard for me to specify.
I'm beginning to notice how much this
Feels like a waking limb... pins and needles,
Nice to know you, Good-bye, x4
Nice to Know YouTo know..You

The price of happiness

So I've been really feeling like crap lately. Not because of any sickness or anything just relationship stuff and me being an idiot. A little while ago I wrote about my struggles with maintaining some relationships, and it hasn't gotten any better. I really haven't handled things well. Basically I've just been completely avoiding these people, and the scary thing is I feel like everything is better without them.

At this point I don't really know what to do. I don't want to bring it up to them because either they haven't really thought of it as a big deal or they've been waiting for me to say something, but honestly I don't know what to say. If they have noticed and haven't or won't say anything then what does that say about our friendship? The worst part is, I don't think I want them to say anything. Because again I don't what I would say. "I've been trying to avoid you the past month or so, and I'm doing and feeling a lot better without you?" I just want them out of my life, so I don't have to see them and try to avoid them or try to block them out of my mind when I start thinking about them. All of this has really been bothering me.

Should we really be able to say to someone I don't want to care about you anymore, especially as a christian? Should i really be continuing to avoid these people for my own happiness? I understand that sometimes you need to take a step back from a relationship, but I don't want to start this over again. I want this to end. I just want to stop caring about them, and whenever I think about them, I hate myself for the way I am handling and thinking about this. What am I supposed to do?

Because of his grace and for his glory.

A heavenly heaven

So ACF held our retreat this past weekend. It was pretty sweet. I hadn't really gotten a chance to know any of the freshmen yet, but I did at the retreat and of course Matt Cohen was sharing with us, but there was one thing that kind of bugs me. It's about what Matt said Saturday morning or more about what he didn't say.

Saturday morning he was talking about heaven and how most view heaven compared to how the bible describes heaven. The part that has been bothering me was he said about the up in the clouds kind of heaven that most people think of is boring and dull, and then he went on to read from revelation about what heaven will really be like. All I thought for the rest of that time was how screwed up our view of heaven and of God is.

When we die we get to have a perfect relationship with God and spend eternity worshiping him. That's AWESOME!!! I could care less about my perfected body or the new earth or the capital city 1,000 miles high and 1,000 miles wide. It's not the place, heaven, that makes it paradise, but the heavenly state we will be in of being able to spend eternity in a right relationship with God and with NO SIN!!! No matter what the surroundings are, that is going to be amazing. It's good to know what heaven will be like, but I could care less if it's the new earth heaven, the cloudy heaven, or any other heaven you can imagine. We should be excited about going to heaven because we finally get to restore our relationship with God because that is what's going to make heaven heavenly.

Because of his grace and for his glory

Love with Reckless Abandon

It's been a pretty interesting week at ACF.

After Pastor called an "audible" on Sunday and decided not to do the outreach sermon he prepared this past Sunday, a lot of people were left confused. On Wednesday Aaron shared more about what was going on and what he was feeling. In our small group, Chase brought up how there is just a lack of a desire to see people saved, and we talked about why that is if it's true at all (and I believe it is absolutely true. I think the answer is simple.

We don't have a burning desire to see people saved because we don't really love them the way we should.

If your best friend is not a Christian and you love them then should there salvation be of great concern to you? Because ultimately no matter what other way you may show your love for them or show that you care for them if you aren't concerned about their soul then the rest doesn't matter. If we want to support them in their relationships and their work and whatever else then why don't we want to help them work out their salvation? Isn't that so much more important? If we really love them then shouldn't we be willing to throw off our own inhibitions and insecurities to help them?

I think one of the biggest problems is in our constitution. Freedom of religion is a trap. It says that it's okay for people to believe and follow whatever they want, but that's absolutely not true. It's not okay for people to turn away from God. It's not okay for us to reject the truth. If you believe that Jesus is the truth than you can't just be satisfied with letting people believe what ever they want. you can't tolerate the practicing of other religions because if you do then you don;t really care about that person. Now I'm not saying we need to make Christianity the only acceptable religion to practice (even though it is) or that we should persecute people who aren't Christians, but we do need to go after people by loving with a reckless abandon.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

The Sparrow and The Crow

So i've posted a couple times about some of my favorite bands that nobody knows about because most of the stuff I listen to is really obscure. One of my favorite artists of all time released a new album on September 30th, and I've probably listened to it at least 20 times. It's pretty much amzaing. I thought his first two cd's were good, but this one is incredible. The cd is "The Sparrow and The Crow" by William Fitzsimmons. Not only is the music really good, but I love how he plays off his old songs.

The last song on his second cd is "After All" and the first song on this cd is "After After All", and on the second cd he had a song "Good night", now he has a song "Good Morning". If you didn't check him out last time I wrote about him you definitely should now. The first three songs on his myspace are new songs.

http://www.myspace.com/williamfitzsimmons

Time to call it quits

Have you ever tried to stop being friends with someone? It kind of sucks. Especially when you still see them around a good bit. I'm kind of at the point with some people where I don't want to be friends with them. Not because of enything that they did or said, but because I don't want to care about them anymore. I know this sounds stupid and I feel stupid about feeling this way, but it's just a way I feel.

I love taking care of peopl. I love knowing what's on people's hearts and be able to share their burdens and be there for them, but sometimes it just takes too much out of me to even get some people to that point. There are some people that I clearly care for more than they care about me, and for the most part that doesn't really bother me that much, but I just wish I didn't for them as much. I wish that I ddn't get as frustrated when they refuse to talk to me or don't call me back. I wish I didn't love them, so I'm trying not to love them less, but to love them in a way that doesn't cost me so much. Is that right? If we really love someone shouldn't we be willing to give them everything? Should we really be able to say I love you just enough so I don't get hurt? It's true that there are some people I wish I didn't love, but I do love them, and I can't stop loving them. No matter how hard I try, so what do I do? Give them everything until I can't takt it anymore? Back off and let them make a move?

"This house is full of secrets that
i have kept from her for far too long
i hope i make it through the day
my conduct should be suspect and my
intentions should be checked buy i'm too
involved in making plans for my soul

her heart is full of kindness that she's
given away and now she is tired
of all the parts of life that she made
she tries to help out everyone
but i can only help myself
i question whether she knows she's saved

i hope you find it
cause i could not find it in me

i can't say when i'll leave you for good
my selfish heart hopes you don't go first
God knows i couldn't make it one day
i'll ask that you find someone to help
like you treated me like you were myself
you broke your back to make it okay
these parts of life that i cannot hold
you carry me along with your load
you're more than i could ever repay

i hope you find it cause i could not find it in me" -"Find it in me" ny William Fitzsimmons

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Hand of God

Jeremy Casella is a stud. If you haven't heard of him you should. Voted 4th best album of 2007 by Christian Today. He's pretty much the source of calm in the storm that is my life right now.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=55134718

"Hand of God" (probably one of the best songs on piano ever unfortunately he doesn't have it up on his myspace):

She's not the kind of girl
Who lies and tells you nothing's wrong
She'll open up her hand
And heal you with her holy song

She's the long forgotten secret seldom told
She's the fire in your blood that's burning
Aching while you're growing old

She's the truth
Wrapped up in tears
She's the beauty
For all your fear
And she sings, nobody holds you like the hand of God
like the hand of God,like the hand of God.

I was cold and desperate for her love
Tossed in the storm that living brings
I didn't know my name
Until she gave me shelter in her wings

She's the long forgotten secret seldom told
She's the fire in your blood that's burning
Aching while you're growing old

She's the truth
Wrapped up in tears
She's the beauty
For all your fear
And she sings, nobody holds you like the hand of God
like the hand of God,like the hand of God.

Where are you?Where are you? Where are you now?

Back at One

I was at work today, and I was working in the dish room. I think it's one of the better jobs because you get to actually work with other people and you can play music while you work. Well, on of the songs that came on was "Back at One" by Brian McKnight which reminded me of something that I've been thinking of and wanting to write about, but one reason I didn't write about was the lack of a good title. I know it's a lame excuse, but still.

I've been thinking a lot about the foundation or fundamentals of Christianity. I guess I wasn't really thinking about them, but more about how we view them. I think so many times, especially in my own life, we want closure. We want to feel progress. We want to say that we've moved beyond the basics.This couldn't be further from the truth. As far as our faith is concerned we will never be able to move past the basics and say "I've got that down." If we do say that then we're lying to ourselves and probably missing something pretty important.

I've been thinking about this because I've gotten so far from thinking about the basics and it's not going too well. One thing in particular stuck out to me and convicted be to go back to the beginning.

Recently one of my good friends has been going through some rough times with another friend of his, and I was glad. Not because I could see how things would end up better or whatever, but because, for a myriad of different reasons, I wasn't comfortable with their relationship and what was going on. Some of you know what I'm talking about, but don't know that I'm talking about. I wish I could explain more, but this isn't the time or place to do so. I need to talk to them first, but jealousy is destructive.

You would think that if we were able to move beyond the fundamentals that jealousy would be one of the first things to go. I mean I've got Jesus what could anyone else possibly have that could compare to that, and yet here I am. I guess I'll start back at one.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Blue, White, and Green?

I was at work today, well I guess technically it was yesterday, and I was making sandwiches. While one of the cooks was telling everything that went on the sandwiches and everything he mentioned that we had to tack off the twisty ties on the bread bags to recycle the plastic bag which we had never done before. This got me thinking about all the changes Penn State and a lot of other places have made to become more green. At work I typically have a lot of time to think because I typically work by myself especially when I'm doing something like making sandwiches, sure other people are around, but they're busy doing other things.



Anyways, I've had enough of this "going green" crap. I'm all for taking care of the environment. I mean we do live here not to mention the fact that it was created by God just as we were. Maybe not in his image, but definitely an expression of his love and who he is.

Probably the main reason I'm sick of it is because all of a sudden everyone is suddenly so conscience of environment and how we need to take care of it, but most people don't really care about it. At least not the people you yell at you from their balcony five stories above you. You're probably thinking there's a story there and there is, so I'll pause to tell it. Chase and I were taking out the garbage from our apartment, we had recently done major cleaning, and some girls were out on their balcony. They yelled down to us and we talked with them for a little then one of them say that we were throwing away an old disgusting mop, and one of them said, "Why are you throwing away a mop? Go green."

Anyways going green will never really work. It may work in some ways especially short term, but it won't stick mainly because it's not addressing the real problem, people's wasteful attitudes. It's like our sin. Many times if we are struggling with something we just avoid that temptation at all cost instead of dealing with the heart issue that leads to that sin.

Anyways, you may say that going green is working. That people are realizing how wasteful they are and are changing. To that I would say, spend 4 hours in a Penn State dining commons dish room, or a similar dining facility and you'll see how "green" we really are.

Time for Plan B

I haven't taken the time to write in awhile partly because I've been really busy. The first couple weeks of school are always hard because I don't really transition well, and I've done a really poor job at keep in touch, but this year it doesn't look like things are going to get any easier.

I've been thinking a lot about an interesting conversation that was held between many of the counselors at Summer's Best. It was about whether or not God intended for man to sin. Was the fall part of God's plan?

A lot of people focused in on free will and how we screwed up and the general consensus from most of the counselors was that God had a plan for if the fall didn't happen and a plan for if the fall did (which in case you didn't know, it did, and He knew it would). I have two huge beefs with this.

First I find it hard to believe that we can thwart God. Especially in something a big as the fall. Even if there are multiple plans I don't believe we have the power to stop any of an omnipotent God's plans.

Second and probably more important: I refuse to believe that Jesus was plan b. You could argue that neither plan was better than the other, but by default because one plan involved us screwing up the other would be better (at least in our limited understanding). But I just can not accept Jesus as the safety plan for if/ when we screw up, and looking at it from God's view, if both plans are equal I still refuse to believe that there could have been an alternative to Jesus especially one as good as Him.

What everyone was saying when they decided that God had two plans was that they were afraid of being wrong. They held their own understanding and their own opinion in such high regard that they couldn't commit to one side or the other for fear of being wrong. It's good to understand things, but apart from Jesus it's almost unnecessary. Most things like this when we discuss God's reasons or plans we will never know because if we knew we would be God, and we clearly aren't. It's fun to talk about it. I enjoy it, but we shouldn't be so concerned with being right because it doesn't really matter if your right. All that matters is God's truth no matter how little of an understanding we have of it.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Cause and Effect

It's incredible how we can impact some one's life without meaning to, and many times without know it.

Earlier today I was catching up with Kenny who was visiting State College today, and a girl from my high school sees us and comes over to say hello and talk for a little. I hadn't talked to let alone seen her in two years and our relationship "ended" on not the best of terms, and yet she wanted to come over and talk and said she wanted to catch up.

Now it's not like I barely knew her or anything. In high school she was one my best female friends. We went through some rough times and she really helped me out through a lot of things, but something happened between us that made her, despite our separation want to hang out again. Something impacted her enough and was meaningful enough to where she valued that beyond our arguments and unfortunate "end" to our friendship.

If you read my first blog I kind of wrote about a similar thing with a friend of mines baby Hannah Gloria. She is still always present in my mind, and I am happy to say that
Scott and Anna, Hannah's parents, have had another baby. A year and a day after Hannah's death. I've never even met either of them yet they have had a tremendous impact on my life.

God is so awesome that he can work in us and through us without us even knowing. That's pretty sweet.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

I can't do this anymore

I've been thinking a lot about my future. I thought I had a solid plan of what I would be doing the next couple years. I was going to get an internship next summer, graduate, go to Africa for a couple years then come back and find a job, but now that plan is out the window.

Being back at camp this past summer really instilled a desire and a calling to be back there next year which then messes up my plan for an internship and I might stay at school an extra semester, and then Africa has been heavy on my heart, so at this point it takes priority, so whenever I get over there could just completely change everything.

When I first began to realize that God had other plans in mind I was nervous and kind of upset. I thought my plans fitted perfectly, and that everything was going to work out, but now I have no clue what's next.

At camp we give competition talks to the kids and talk about how we integrate our faith into competition and things like that. God used one of the comp talks I gave to convict me and work on my heart. I find he does that a lot. When I talk and write and give advice I'm being convicted of my own short comings at the same time.

Anyways I talked about how I hate hearing kids saying "I can't " during competitions and activities and stuff. I said, " The way we play the game reflects on us, and what motivates us and what our focus is on. The way we play the game is a reflection on our parents and how we were raised. The way we play the game is a reflection on God, and when we say we can't what we're really saying is that God isn't enough. That the ability to walk and run that He's given us isn't enough. That his grace isn't enough. That Jesus isn't enough."

Now replace "the way we play the game" with "the way we live our lives." Now obviously just because we are Christians and God strengthens us doesn't mean we can do anything. I can't compete at an Olympic level, I can't run a marathon without training, but when we say we can't do something that God is calling us to do what we really say is we don't trust Him, that we don't think He is enough.

When God was changing my plans my first thought was "I can't." There are too many question marks, too many things up in the air, too many obstacles. I just don't want to try, but what I forgot was not my faith in God, but God's faith in me. He knows what I'm capable of better than anyone else. He knows how much I can take beyond my own thoughts. If God is calling me to something then He believes I can do it, and if He thinks I can even knowing all of my short comings and inadequacies shouldn't I be able to believe him and believe myself.

I hope this isn't new to you.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Time I Understood

" Time I Understood" by Wavorly

As I’m building up this house
I wonder what of it will stay
It seems You just take things away
And I’ll admit I shouldn’t say these things
But I have got to hear from You somehow

Does this have a point to it?
God, I wish I could hear You
You said You’d help me through this
I wish You didn’t have to

Why did You take this away?
I wanted it
Show me that there is no need to be afraid
Can I move on now that it’s gone?

As I travel down this road
I wonder if I should turn home
All this time I’ve felt alone
My head in my hands
Where were You when I was in need?

And I look back to find You chasing me
Sometimes I try and I miss the point of it
It’s about time we die…we’re not down here for us

As You’re tearing down this house
There is only one thing I can say
I’m so glad You take away
And I’ll admit things worked out for the good
And it’s about time I understood

Love is a Movement

So I got back from vacation a couple hours ago.

It was pretty sweet. Relaxing time with 80% of the family. Nothing major happened except for a few random things some frustrating some just interesting, but the best thing that happened had nothing to do with me.

I like watching people. Sometimes it worries me, but most of the time I like to watch people scurry around to whatever they have planned as if it's the most important thing in the world. You can learn a lot about a person just by watching them and seeing how the react to things. During vacation there were a couple parts of conversation that I heard that really stood out to me.

The first was in Niagara falls in one of the gift shops. Two employees were standing there talking about.. well I don't really know what they were talking about. All I heard was "because the Bible says." Pretty sweet.

The second was just outside of Buffalo, New York at an Applebee's at 10:00 at night. We were leaving after having dinner. Why we were having dinner that late is another story entirely, but as we were leaving, in the last booth before the door, a girl, probably about my age, was talking with her parents, and again all I heard was "We've been talking about how we present the gospel."

Something I've been noticing more and more is how God has been opening my eyes and ears to the work he is doing. a couple months ago I probably wouldn't have heard what those people said, or even if I did it wouldn't have ingrained itself in my mind like it did. I feel like God has big things planned. That He's just starting to get us ready.

At camp during the second term I was working with 9 and 10 year olds. A lot of fun, but you typically don't get as many opportunities to enter into deep conversation with them about their spiritual lives. On the last day of camp literally less than an hour before their parents come to pick them up, one of the guys, Fox (yes his real name is Fox), asked if he could share his testimony. If that wasn't awesome enough, after he was done everyone started talking about God and what He's meant to them and asking questions and answering each others questions, and the best part about it was neither myself nor my co-counselor had to say a word. We didn't have to lead the discussion. They lead it on their own. I was so overwhelmed by the glory of God during that time that I had to walk away for a little just praising God. If that's not a sign then I don't know what is.

Get ready for a revolution.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Pushing the Envelope

So I was driving back from Erie today from visiting my sister, and I passed at least six cops on the road. I don't know why there were that many, but after the first couple I watched my speed closer which got me thinking about how fast we drive.

I'm not talking about speeding and why we obey some laws but not others, but have you ever wondered why it's standard to at least drive the speed limit. Isn't it just the maximum speed your supposed to drive not the exact speed everyone needs to be going? I understand we all have places to be and sometimes we need to get there in a certain time, but we don't always need to go that fast sometimes it's nice to slow down and enjoy the drive.

We're constantly doing this. Seeing how far we can push our body. Testing how quickly we can get things done. Seeing how much skin we can show without being inappropriate or looking like a slut. Constantly pushing the limits.

Why?

What do we gain from pushing the boundaries? From testing what we can get away with?

That's pretty much all I wanted to say.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Right but Wrong

I just realized how long it's been since I've last posted. It's not like there hasn't been anything going on. Tons of things have gone on/are going on. I've just either been at camp without a computer or not really wanting to write. Anyways I'm writing now.

Camp has been incredible this summer. God has really moved in big ways, and has revealed more about himself to me. Sometimes I think God likes showing off.

One of the things he's shown me is how when I'm in tune with God and pursuing him with everything I am then often my desires coincide with his will. I'll use a couple examples to explain a little, and let you know what's been going on the past month.

First, I want to go back to Africa, probably more than anything else, but I had no clue how or when. Well I still don't know how or when, but when I've had the chance to slow down and listen for God he's been pulling my heart towards Africa. Several times I've had to leave my cabin because God was just breaking my heart over everything that's going on over there, and I didn't want my campers to think anything was wrong because I was crying.

I don't want to go back to Africa to try to fix everything over there. I want to go because of how close to God I was there and the love for the people I've interacted with there, the love that God has placed within me. God breaking my heart over the poverty and corruption and war in Africa, I believe, was a sign that he wants me there. Maybe not now, but soon.

By now your probably thinking what "Right but Wrong" has to do with anything I'm writing about. It's been my experience recently that when we think we know what God has planned for us we may be right , but we may also be wrong. God may want us at the college we're at. He may want us to give up everything we have and move to a third world country, but we probably think he plans that for us for some reason, but he has another reason, another purpose in mind.

Take Jesus for example. A lot of people thought he was some political leader and king coming to overthrow the roman empire and reestablish the Jewish kingdom. They were right, but they were also wrong.

God may want me to go back to Africa, but he may not want me to go back to Malawi. I feel like I'm being called there for a long period of time. Like a couple years, but it may be longer or shorter, and I have no clue as to what God's specific purpose for me there is.

I guess I'm kind of rambling and not tying my thoughts together very well, but I want to share one more thing.

I've really struggled with whether it's in God's plan for me to have a wife, or even if I want to have a wife, but God placed a girl in my life. Okay so we'll probably never get married or even date, but she helped show me why marriage is so important and why I hope it's part of his plan for me.

One night a group of people from camp were getting together to watch a movie outside with a projector and screen. So we all got our sleeping bags , and everything setup, but we couldn't get it to work, so we just hung out and talked, I spent several hours just talking with her, the girl I was talking about before. It was amazing. Just being able to lay there and talk and share our hearts. That's all I want from marriage. To be totally open and insecure with another person, but I don't need a wife for that. I've always felt like I don't need a wife or many times even want one. I may be right, but I'm more than likely also wrong. While some people never marry there is a need placed within us to have interaction and deep meaningful connections with other people. God didn't create us to be alone. More to come later.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Terrifyingly Huge

I feel like that pretty much describes my year pretty well. Especially my time at camp so far.

Terrifyingly huge.

I've been blessed beyond belief. Almost to the point to where I feel overwhelmed. I've been given so many blessings, and now I have a number of great opportunities to share those blessings with others and really build into others.

I'm excited about the fall. Living in an apartment with four other awesome guys, getting to serve as a head trustee with a stellar crew, and I'm really looking forward to continuing the work God has started at school, but right now I'm at camp, and eveything just keeps going.

I already feel a lot more comfortable and confident in my role as a camp counselor, but so far this summer has been amazing. I've been really challenged and I've connected with campers and other counselors even more than I could have hoped, and now here comes first term.

For each term we have 16 coaches, 8 for each team half guys half girls. Last year I didn't get to coach, and coming into this year I didn't really know if I wanted to. Before each term we tell leadership which cabins we want to be in, if there is anyone we want to be co-counselors with, and if we want to coach. I just told them that I would do whatever they needed.

Well, I found out this morning that the needed a Head Galation coach, so now I'm it. I have now idea what I'm doin or what to expect. I'm completely humbled by all the opportunities God has given, and I am completely inadequate.

It's going to be terrifyingly huge.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

We we get crunk for Jesus

So I leave for camp tomorrow which means I won't be able to write as often, and when I write it will probably be something about camp. I'm pumped to get back to camp. I didn't really want to leave, but I did.

After every meal while we're cleaning up and waiting to be dismissed there are a number of chants, songs, and games that begin in the dining hall at camp. My favorite is (of course) "We we get crunk for Jesus". Everybody at one table stands up, pounds on the table, and shouts "We we get crunk for Jesus" three times then asks "Do you get crunk for Jesus?" and passes it to the next table. Just so we're clear, the original definition of getting crunk is getting really excited and pumped up.

So why don't we get crunk for Jesus?

I have met a hand full of people who do, but most Christians aren't excited about their Lord and savior, or at least they don't show it. Why?

If we truly believe that the Bible is God's word and it really is holy then why aren't we excited to read it every chance we get?

If we have even the slightest idea of how far we've fallen, and know that we're still loved and forgiven then why aren't we bursting with joy and longing to tell everyone?

If we really believe that God is our father and He listens and talks with us then why do we hesitate when someone asks for a volunteer to pray?

If we really believe in God's grace and his power then why aren't we excited and ready to carry out his will, and be a part of his work?

I don't pretend have any answers. I just pose questions.

I recently watched the new Narnia movie "Prince Caspian", and probably the best part of that movie is when Lucy and Susan are talking and Susan asks "Why didn't I see Aslan (slash Jesus )?" and Lucy replies "Maybe you didn't really want to."

Do we really want to see Jesus in our lives?

There are a lot of questions to be asked, and a lot of them we may never know the answer to. All I know is I'm a child of God. Shouldn't that be enough?

Because of his grace and for his glory.

I Thought I Had Died

Never thought that I could be anyone or anything,
Couldn't stand the rising of the sun,
But still I rose and walked the streets,
Too afraid to stop my heartbeat,
Even though I thought about it some,
All the things that used to be
So beautiful became empty,
And all I had was just the memory

I thought I had died, I was alone,
'Til you found me here and brought me back home
I thought I had died, was caught in the flood,
'Til you lifted me up, out of my grave and into the sun

Maybe I'm the only one,
But I wonder if it's everyone,
Pain is part of being born,
Hope is more than just a dream,
And love is more than anything,
And I believe in kingdom come,
Victims or victories,
I was blind but now I see,
The world was made for more than tragedy

I thought I had died, I was alone,
'Til you found me here and brought me back home
I thought I had died, was caught in the flood,
'Til you lifted me up, out of my grave and into the sun

Graveyards with Grandma

It's been a unique weekend. Plenty of good things going on, some not good things, and some things that are just weird.

Friday night and Saturday I got to hang out with friends from school at Kate's house and Cedarpoint. It was awesome. The thing that I hate about summer is that I don't get to see people that much especially since I'm working at camp, but at the same time I love camp and wish I'd have stayed. I wish I could things at once. That way I could hang out with people and stuff and still be at camp. Sunday was pretty good too. I got to see some friends from home and play a game of softball. Then I went to my aunt and uncle's house to have dinner with them and my cousins and their babies.

Babies are so small. It's crazy. I look at myself and I'm like "there's no way I was that small", but I was. It's just weird to think about how much I've grown and changed. Sometimes I don't notice how much I've changed because it's been such a gradual process. Anyways on to what I really wanted to write about.

Friday afternoon I took my Grandmother out to her sister's, parents', and first husband's ( my grandfather's) graves to put flowers out. It took a while because they were at different cementaries, but I didn't mind. I like driving.

Anyways my grandmother continually surprises me. After visiting her sister's grave she says to me: "This may all seem pointless to you, but it means a lot to me." It wasn't the fact that it was her who said it, but I just wasn't expecting it. I wasn't bored, and I don't think I was acting like it was pointless because it's really not. While we do need to move on when we lose someone we shouldn't forget them or caste their memory aside.

Later in the day we stopped where a friend of her's lived the last time they talked which seemed to be several months if not a couple years. So I go up to the door and knock and ask for Jane Janey, and luckily she still lived there. She was so excited to see my grandmother. Even though we couldn't stay and talk just to see my grandmother was just a huge blessing to her.

A lot of times I lose sight of how much it means to be able to spend time with friends. It's always like well I'll see you later or talk to you soon. A lot of the time I lose that sense of importance. I don't cherish it. It's just something that will always be there. I lose the appreciation of that blessing, and here this 80 some year old lady with all kinds of problems can't even spend time with her friend, but is calling me a blessing for driving her there.

I don't really know what I'm saying, but I just felt like writing about it.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Open Coast

Stretched across this continent I'm home.
Boston to Los Angeles I'll roam.
I've fallen in love with each coast for a reason.
These reasons so rooted I can't choose between them.
No.

Pacific's coast is so open.
You ain't seen it's waters; you ain't seen the ocean.
I'm trying so hard here I can hardly keep up.
I'm breaking my back, but it's barely enough…for you.

Home is where the heart is,and my heart I gave to you.
Wherever you may lead I will follow suit.

Oh snap, I love camp

For those of you who might not know, I'm working at Summer's Best Two Weeks again this summer, and I've already been at camp for a week.

The first week that counselors show up is called Ruddy week where all we do is start cleaning up camp and getting things ready for orientation and ultimately the campers.

I guess it's a combination of already having been there and the people that were there this past week, but I already feel more comfortable and closer to more people than I did last year. It was almost as hard for me to leave there as it was for me to leave Penn State.

You're killing me Spills.

Ruddy week is probably one of my favorite weeks at camp because you doing manual labor which is always fun for me, there aren't as many people there as any other time, so you really interact more with those people, and your evenings are basically free, so we get to hang out a lot together unlike when campers are around and we don't really hang out at all.

And of course after spending time at another place and getting close to a whole different group of people I'm even more confused about what I want than when I left Penn State. I'm just ridiculous. I'll go through this cycle pretty frequently of not knowing what I want because I want several different things each with their own upsides and downsides.

The one thing that I don't like about Ruddy week is that most of the people there will be working at the other camp, so I won't really see them as much over the summer. While I grow closer to the new people coming in that I'll be working with, and they grow closer to their people we'll grow farther apart.

Some people who worked that week aren't even going to be counselors, so I'm pretty curious to find out what God's purpose in putting them in my life for a week and maybe never again is.

It's legit. Too legit to quit.

Payback

I wasn't a bad kid.

At least I don't think so. I tried not to be a brat and I didn't get into too much trouble. I did have some anger issues which sometimes made things interesting, but I wasn't horrible. My parents might not agree though.

Even though I haven't always expressed it well I am extremely grateful for everything my parents have done for me. It's amazing how much they have sacrificed for me, and I want to repay them somehow. Part of how I will judge how successful I am is whether or not I will be able to take care of my parents when they're too old to do it themselves (which might not be too much longer, sorry had to do it).

Anyways, this week I've kinda had the opportunity to see what that might be like.

Sometime last week or so my mom feel and messed up a ligament in her right arm, and she had to get surgery. Her surgery was on Monday and so she hasn't been able to do much, not even make her own food or get drinks. On top of her not being able to use her right arm, her pain medication was making her sick, so she was even more incapacitated then any other normal surgery.

And since my dad works and my brother goes to school I've had to take care of her for a couple days. It wasn't bad. It's not like it's the first time I've had to take care of someone. After all I am a camp counselor, I've dealt with some pretty ridiculous and sick kids.

I'm excited for camp. I leave tomorrow. I miss my kids. I can't wait to have some of my own. Even with all the sacrifices I'll have to make. It'll be amazing.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Confession

Forgive me father for I have sinned.

I have sinned against my neighbors and I have sinned against you. I am so unworthy of your love. All I ever do is turn my back to you and spit in you face.

Forgive me father for I have coveted my neighbors relationships. Help to me to rely on you and be satisfied with your blessings.

Forgive me father for I have lied. Give me the mind of Christ, so that your truth will forever be on my lips.

Forgive me father for I have failed to love your children. Break my heart for what breaks yours.

Forgive me father for holding idols in my life. Show me your glory, so i can understand that you only are worthy of praise.

Forgive me father for I have lusted. Purify me and wash me clean, so I can reflect your love better.

Forgive me father for thinking that you are not strong enough. Break me down again, so you can reveal to me your strength.

Forgive me father for gossiping. Tame this evil in my mouth which I can not control and make it yours.

Forgive me father for thinking that I can do it on my own. Guide me and give me the wisdom to always turn to you.

Forgive me father for I have sinned.
Amen.

I hope you can forgive me too.

One thing

If there is only one thing that you could take away from this semester what would it be? a new friend? a difficult lesson? a great experience?

For me it would be the joy that I've found in being used.

Last year, through the summer, and into the beginning of this year was really difficult for me mainly because I felt worthless. I couldn't see how God was using me and honestly thought that he had cast me aside for a while.

Even over the summer, surrounded by kids and great opportunities to be effective for Christ I felt like I wasn't having an impact on anyone. I love little kids, but I really struggled with how to communicate my faith to them.

Anyways, God really worked on my heart during the fall semester, and showed me what he was doing and some things he had planned for me. He really opened my eyes to some awesome opportunities he's given to share my faith and encourage other Christians.

I've found the confidence in Christ from what he has done in my life that I felt like I was missing before. I've had conversations and done things that I know came from the Holy Spirit because there is know way I would have known what to say or what to do on my own.

It feels so good to be used.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Goodbye

I'm not one for goodbyes. Partly because I usually don't miss people. I've never really missed my family or friends or anybody else for that matter.I'm not sure why, but I guess it's because I'm always looking forward to what God has in store for me next that I don't reflect on where I've been and the people that are no longer around.

Well this semester I said goodbye to more people than probably ever before, and some people I said goodbye to multiple times. Why? I don't know, but there are still a lot of people I wish I could have said goodbye to, but I didn't get the chance. Especially the seniors.

Last year was easier to leave because I didn't really know any of the seniors that well, but this year I did.

So this is my goodbye.

I probably won't miss you too much, but I'm sure I'll think of you every once in a while and miss you for a couple minutes.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

You set my toilet ablaze

So with finals approaching I feel even less inclined to do work than usual. Some of my friends either don't have finals or don't care, so they want to hang out which makes studying even more difficult, but this weekend was amazing. It was probably the best weekend before finals ever, so I thought I'd share some experiences and what I learned from the weekend.

1. Dance Parties.

While if given the choice between having a dance party and just hanging out with people most of the time I will choose hanging out, dance parties are still amazing. They are even more amazing when somebodies parents are there dancing and talking and truly enjoying themselves. Thank you Mr and Mrs Webb.

2. The right person

The right person can make any situation better, especially the right girl. Even if I feel really depressed and crappy, with the right people around me everything feels so much better, and I'm no longer worried or stressed out (at least for a little while).

3. Fun with chairs

While a normal chair may not be terribly exciting, if you light one on fire it can provide you with endless entertainment. Sitting in, jumping over, and walking on burning chairs never gets boring, and is totally worth the bad smelling burnt hairs afterwards.

4. It's never too late

No matter how old you are or how old you feel it's never too late to experience things you never got to do as a kid. Like riding those little merry go rounds in the mall or apparently Walmart.

5. I don't know what I want

There's more to it, but I'll just leave it at that.


6. I'm really excited for next year!!!!

Because of his grace and for his glory

Everyone is sad

Everyone is sad
Everyone is scared
Everyone has been let down by now
Everyone is empty
Everyone’s bare as bone
Everyone questions all that is real,
But nobody’s answers seem to heal
Anything that hurts
Every time you close your eyes

Everything seems complicated
Nothing makes sense at all
Everyone seems so mistaken
Everyone wants to be whole

Everyone has danced
In their own masquerade
Dressing in smiles
To cover the shame
Everyone’s been broken
Too many times
Everyone wants some reasons why
Nothing seems right
And nobody cares at all

Everything seems complicated
Nothing makes sense at all
Everyone seems so mistaken
Everyone wants to be whole

We all want to live

Everyone has bled
Under their skin
You know we’ve all said
This can’t be the end

My legacy

How do you want to be remembered?

The past couple weeks on Sundays Pastor Aaron has been talking about David's legacy and what his life looked like, and what our legacies will be. No matter how ineffective or worthless we feel God is going to use us to affect other people either good or bad. And unfortunately some of those people will remember you.

I say it's unfortunate because a lot of times the person can just be a distraction. We look up to people and value other people so much that sometimes they take the place of Jesus. We try to live like them, thinking that they have it all together, and we desire to be like them.

If I affect someone else greatly, I don't want them to see me. I want them to see Jesus.

If someone thinks about a defining moment in their life and faith that I was a part of, I don't want them to remember me. I want them to remember Jesus.

Recently a couple people, some of which I barely know, have tried to encourage me by telling me how much I've affected their lives, but I didn't do anything, and the fact that they remember my involvement, to me, means I didn't do enough, I wasn't reflecting Jesus to them. I was just a distraction.

God doesn't need us to accomplish anything. He likes to include us to show us his glory and share in his joy, but so many times I just get in the way.

If people remember what I said and did and not my name or face, that's okay with me. Because it's the Spirit speaking and God working through me.

How do I want to be remember? What is my legacy?

I just want to be remembered as a tool longing to be used by God.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Dreams

What do you want out of life?

Do you want to be rich?
Do you want to be famous?
Do you want to be safe?
Do you want to have it easy?

Those dreams are just too small for me.

Do you want to live for yourself?
Do you want to feel loved?
Do you want to be happy?
Do you just want to be better off than you are now?

Those dreams are too small for me.

Do you want all the glory?
Do you want to be noticed?
Do you want to be comfortable?
Do you want to be independent?

Those dreams are just too small for me.

Do you want to be broken?
Do you want to be used?
Do you want persecution?
Do you want to give it all up for someone else?

These dreams are meant for me.

The war starts Tuesday

So I recently found out that one of my favorite bands changed their name. They used to be Starting Tuesday and now they are The War. I don't really know why they changed their name, but I'm sure there's a story behind it.

I'm not sure which I like better. They didn't change their style too much. They remade one of their songs Satisfied and I definitely like the original version better.

Check them out. If you click on Starting Tuesday you'll go to their website and you can click on Music to hear clips of their songs, or I could let you borrow their CD. If you click The War you'll go to their myspace page where you can listen to their whole CD (only 5 songs).

They're both favorites.

My favorite song of theirs is also the first song I heard by them in Jamaica from someone from Maryland , and the band is from/in South Carolina. Go figure. The song is Armies and Nations:

We stand on top of the world
As if we're all gods casting lots for the nations
The stage is laden in red, the blood of our sons
Look what we've made of creation

Let it all fall down, let it all cave in
It's not till we're broken that we can begin
Let yourself go, let your fears show
It's not till we're open that love can come in

We stand on top of the world
And look at ourselves as if we're something to worship
We may be covered in gold
And shine like the sun
But soon enough we'll be naked

Let it all fall down, let it all cave in
It's not till we're broken that we can begin
Let yourself go, let your fears show
It's not till we're open that love can come in

What is salvation
Without armies and nations?
What is creation
Without armies and nations?
Tell me what is salvation
Without armies and nations?
And tell me what is creation
Without armies and nations?

Let it all fall down, let it all cave in
It's not till we're broken that we can begin
Let yourself go, let your fears show
It's not till we're open that love can come in

Home is just another word for His love

So my last post didn't really make sense.

I didn't really want it to. I started out just writing whatever and then the last part I thought about a little more and made it rhyme, but what I wrote has really been bugging me recently. I went through this last year too.

When we finally get close to the end of the semester, like when it starts getting nice out, I just want to leave. I guess I realize how long I've been here and feel like I need to get away.

I need change.

Whenever I'm in the same place for too long I need to escape and do something or be somewhere completely different. I don't really know why.

That might be partly why I loved Malawi so much and why I want to go overseas for a couple years.

It was just so different. I was in another country with a different language (yeah most people I interacted with knew English but still), a different culture, and with a group of people I didn't really know before the trip. The trip was awesome anyways but just the fact that I was in a completely new place, I was able to let go and escape everything.

The people I went with will tell you I was two different people in Africa and when we were together here. I don't know why, but I wish I could be like that and feel like I did there here. It felt like home

I don't really have a home.

Like I love my family and everything, but I wouldn't call Wexford my "home". I don't really feel like I belong there. Same with Penn State. I love it here, and I love ACF, but its not really home.

I don't think I'll ever feel like I'm at home until I get to heaven. Until I'm completely wrapped in God's arms and fully submerged in his love.

Hot chicks and hockey sticks

It's just been one of those days
Where I wish I was someone else
Because I hate who I am
I've just been here for far too long
I need to escape.

All I need is your love
Yet I constantly hide from you
All I want is to be with you
But I'd rather be alone
I have to escape.

Nobody wants me here
I don't belong in this place
Nobody will miss me here
I just want to see your face
You are my escape

Methylenedioxymethamphetamine

Have you ever had an experience and thought that that's what doing drugs feels like?

I did recently, and it was not expected.

I miss playing trumpet...a lot. I've started listening to jazz and swing again recently and every time I do I'm in such a state of ecstasy. Ask my roommate. He's been there for some of it.

The craziest times happen when I'm listening to Cherry Poppin' Daddies swing cd Zoot Suit Riot. Their trumpet player is so go, and every time he hits a sick note or a sweet lick I just... to be honest I don't think words could do what happens justice.

I don't really know where that feeling comes from. Like I loved playing trumpet, but I wasn't addicted to it or anything. I don't know. Maybe I was.

Just thought I'd share.

Girls&Guys&People

I don't understand people at all. I really don't. Some people have wondered as to why I've asked them a lot of questions as to why they do things or to explain more about what they think or do. I do that because I don't get people.

I just wish people would say what they think and not hold back, myself included. I've lost some of my best friends because they didn't tell me what was going on. I was just supposed to know. How am I supposed to know?

Do you want me to keep guessing random things until I stumble across the right one?

I can't read people in real life at all.
I can in poker, but when it comes to real situations and real thoughts I'm clueless.

Especially with girls.

Half the time I don't even know when I'm flirting. So if I'm overly flirtatious, and making you uncomfortable I'm sorry. It's not on purpose. I just do what I do.

I don't try to be clever or funny or smart or flirtatious or wise. It's just what happens, I just say whatever. Now, I don't always say everything on my mind because that would really complicate a lot of things, but I wish I could.

And I wish you could too, so why don't you just come right out and say it?

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Passion Play

As I think I've said before I love music.

Sometimes it puts things into words that I can't.

I started this blog to share my thoughts with people, so I thought why not share my music? In my own opinion I have a "unique" taste in music. I like mostly artists that nobody knows. I would be really surprised if anyone that I know has even heard of more than 2 or 3 of my favorite artists.


OK, so my favorite recently has been this guy William Fitzsimmons. He has purevolume and myspace profiles with some of his songs including my favorite Passion Play. To be honest, sometimes I'm not sure why I like the song. I just do.

I really like his style and how open and real he is. Give him a listen, and let me know what you think.



Passion Play:

I should not have hid where my heart can't follow
Cause this grace gets so far and too hard to swallow.
I've been running from Saul, he's been giving chase.
When I look in his eyes all I see is his face.

Are you still on my back after all these years?
Chasing me out of hell and my nice veneers.
I don't know how you stand when you've got no floor.
Or how you can breathe with your hands on boards.

I just want to be not what I am today
I just want to be better than my friends might say
I just want a small part in your passion play

Do you hear when I call in the midst of wrong?
Do you hear these here words when I sing this song?
Are you caught up in me like I heard you say?
Or just some big cashier that I'll have to pay?

I just want to be not what I am today
I just want to be better than my friends might say
I just want a small part in your passion play

Who am I?

So I've been wanting to write about this for awhile, but I didn't want to tell people before ACF officially announced it.

For those of you who don't know I was nominated for head trustee for next year.

For most people I think this wouldn't seem like a big deal. The trustees are pretty mysterious. Always hanging out in the back and quietly taking care of business. I doubt that very many people who aren't on leadership, trustee helpers, former trustees, or living with two of the six trustees could name them all.

But let's take a look at the past three head trustees:

C-Will
Kenny
Keith

All awesome leaders, manly men of God, and complete stud muffins. And to be completely honest I felt almost intimidated because of the shoes I have to fill. I kinda felt like Moses when God asked him to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

Who am I?

I was really surprised when Keith called me and told me about the nomination. I can easily name several people who would probably do a better job than me. So why me?

Who am I to lead these people?

I've always had a hard time understanding how other people see me. Especially when they talk about the potential I have. That's probably because most of the things I remember and think about myself have to do with me screwing up. It's sad. I've seen how God has changed me and worked in my life, but I also know I have a long way to go.

As I thought more about what it would mean to "replace" Keith as head trustee God reminded me of a lot of things, especially about how we are to act. I was reminded that I don't have to worry about trying to be like Keith or Kenny or C-Will, but we're all called to be like Jesus. OK so it's not exactly easy to be like Jesus, but I take comfort in the fact that I don't have to compare myself and how I handle my responsibilities to anyone else. I know I've said some of this before, but it's really meant a lot to me recently.

I'm excited to see what God has in store for me and all of Penn State. He's going to do things that you wouldn't believe even if you were told.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Speach Impedement

Something that's been bothering me for awhile is my, along with other peoples, sense of humor.

A lot of things I've said and heard recently have been really inappropriate. Especially in Mississippi. And I question why we talk that way. Even if we are joking, why don't we hold ourselves to a higher standard.

I know most people don't always tell jokes like that or think like that, but even if we do it sometimes, that's straying far enough away from God for Satan to really do some damage.

How is telling a joke about sex or something else inappropriate glorifying to God at all?
Shouldn't the motivation for everything we do be to glorify God? All the time?

Shouldn't we have our hearts and minds on things above and not on dirty jokes? (Colossians 3:1-4)

And just because you don't tell the joke doesn't make you any better if you laugh at it,or even if we hold back laughter, but secretly think it's funny.
Why do we think some stuff like that is funny?

I don't know, but I am as guilty as anyone.

James talks about how the tongue is "a restless evil, full of deadly poison." And how we can not tame it. I can't tame my tongue, but I know God can, so why haven't I given that up to God?

How can I give my relationships to God, but not what I say? How can I give my plans to God but not what I think? How can I continually show the love of Christ with a worldly tongue?

Actions may speak louder than words, but if the two don't agree then does it really matter which one is louder?

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Christian walk?

I wonder who came up with that phrase.

The Christian walk.

I understand the premise of it and the idea behind it, but walking with Christ isn't good enough.

We need to run.

As for a lot of things that float around in my head I was reminded of this by a song. Run by Lecrae. It's not the greatest song, but it's got good lyrics.

Over the summer a friend of mine shared with me 1 Corinthians 9:24-27. I've heard it before, but he really helped open my eyes to what it meant.

This life is a race, and we are all pursuing the prize, Jesus, but people don't just run, they have to prepare themselves and train and build endurance. When we finally do enter the race we don't sprint then stop and rest. We don't walk. We don't cheat, and get disqualified. We run with everything we have.

That's one of the biggest problems with the church in America.

Too many people are just walking.
Myself included. God has been convicting me of this.

We need to pursue after Christ with everything we have, but at the same time pace ourselves and know our limits. We can't try to change the world all the time.

1 Corinthians isn't the only place where this race metaphor is used.

Jeremiah 12:5
Acts 20:22-24
Galatians 2:2
Galatians 5:7-9
2 Timothy 4:6-8

The main reason why I decided to write about this today was to remind myself, and hopefully people will keep me accountable.

"I want to cross the finish line of life throwing up all over myself."-Justin McRoberts

Because of his grace and for his glory

Expelled

Seems interesting.

http://www.expelledthemovie.com/video.php

Pride week

I was walking to Redifer to have lunch with a friend and I decided to cut through the HUB. No sooner do I walk through the doors then two guys walk up to each other and grab each others buttocks. Not the joking smack, but the lustful squeeze. Any other week I may have thought it bizarre, but not this week.



For those of you who don't know, this week is "Pride Week" at PSU.



This basically encourages some individuals to be more open about their homosexuality.



As usual around this time of year there are a series of opinion columns in The Collegian from homosexuals and Christians alike each one berating the last. While I did enjoy reading them most of what was said was pretty ridiculous.Especially what the Christians wrote. They all misquoted scripture or took passages out of context.



I just don't understand how people who claim to follow Jesus Christ can show such hate toward anybody. This is nothing new, Christians have been hating people for centuries.



Hate the sin not the person.



What better opportunity do we have to share the love of Christ with someone who isn't expecting it? What better way to break down stereotypes?

Jesus please force us out of our comfort zones and give us opportunities to show your love to the lost. Amen.

I hope you've heard this before, and you'll probably hear this again.

Because of his grace and for his glory.

Lover 2

I thought I'd clarify some things from my last post, and expand on them. I didn't feel like writing a lot last time,so I didn't.

Yes, I am in love.
Yes, the last post was about whom I am in love with.
Yes, I am still single...ladies.

The love of my life is Jesus Christ.

A couple days ago I was having coffee/tea with a friend. We were talking about how things were going, and he told me he felt really ineffective for Christ. He said he was doing his devotions, investing in some younger guys, spending a lot of time praying, and trying to reach out to his friends who aren't Christians, but he felt like he was missing something and that he felt like he wasn't seeing any movement in his own walk or of the guys he was investing in. God told me what to say, and at first I wasn't even sure why, but thinking about it made things a little more clear. I asked him one simple question.

"Do you really love God?"

Do you really love God for who he is, or do you just love him because he saved you? Yes, salvation allows us to see God for who he is, but it shouldn't be why we love him, at least not the only reason. Do you really love God, or are you like Peter and just think you love God?

God is not interested in a one way relationship.

There's a reason the greatest commandment is to love the Lord your God with all your heart and soul and mind. It's not just because he desires and deserves it, but everything that we do, and everything that we are comes out of our relationship with God.

If you don't love God then how do you expect to really love other people? If you don't desperately desire to know God then how do you expect your devotions to be deep, meaningful, and challenging? If you're not madly in love with God then how do you expect to see how he's working in your life? If you're not constantly focused on God then how do you expect to see the opportunities and doors that he opens for you? If you aren't obsessed with God then how can you be really willing to follow him?

Do you really love God?


Because of His grace and for His glory.

Lover

I'll be the first to tell you that I am utterly ridiculous.

I try not to let it show but I stress and worry about everything. This week was pretty rough and I had a breakdown a couple days ago Wednesday/Thursday, but everything that happens to me just reminds me how much I am loved.

The love of my life completely took me by surprise. Usually I like to be the one that people lean on and talk to, but now it's the reverse. I have done nothing to deserve this love, and I don't think I could do anything to screw it up.

Our relationship definitely has its ups and downs. Like when I say or do something completely ridiculous, which I always inevitably do, but I am always taken back. My love will even carry me when things get really bad, okay, so not literally carry but definitely shares in my burdens, and I don't think I could get through a lot of stuff without that love. I don't think I could find another love like this. No matter how hard I try.

I'm madly in love.

Ready

So I wanted to write today, but for awhile I didn't know what to write about, but God let me know what to say.

I've kinda been at the point for a long time where I just can't do it anymore. I've literally had to let God carry me and take over just to get through the day. We should always live like this, but it is frustrating and tiring when you are unable to make it through one day.

For awhile it was keeping up with friends and schoolwork that really wore me out. Then I really struggled with some sin, and now it's just a combination of a lot of different things. The main thing being that I think way too much about everything.

Despite anything that goes on in my life God has always shown me how awesome he is and how much he takes care of me. Sometimes I think God likes to show off.

Anyways. I've kinda been feeling, to be honest since my senior year of high school, that I'm ready.

I'm ready to be done.
With everything.

If God were to call me home (to heaven) later today, I would have no regrets. A lot of times I feel like there is nothing left in life that I really want. I would like to father a child, but to be honest if that doesn't happen I won't be disappointed. I'm just tired of all the crap that life brings.

I'm tired. I'm ready to go home.

I don't really know how to put a lot of things in words. I think that's why I love music. Sometimes when I write in my journal that I don't want people to read (yes I have two journals. One I don't care if people read and one I do.) I just write and eventually it turns into a song. While I can't play guitar and I'm not very good at piano I know what it sounds like in my head. I've also decided that unless God tells me "Yo Nate, Go play music." you probably will never hear me perform my songs or anyone else's, but I'll save explaining that for later.

Anyways one of my favorite songs recently is "Always Guiding" by Elijah Wyman. It puts into words what I've been feeling and even how God responds to that.

So sometimes when I don't know what to say I'll just let a song speak for me.

Sweetest Jesus, I am so tired.

I want to close my eyes and wake up next to You.

I’m dreaming of those golden streets.

I’m dreaming of those pearly gates.

I’m dreaming of the harmonies we’ll sing.

Sweetest Jesus, I am so tired.

I want to close my eyes and wake up next to You.

You are my hope when I have given up,

and when I’ve given up on You,

You wait for me.

You’re always waiting.

You are my strength when I’ve no strength to stand,

and when I’m lost You hold my hand and guide me.

You’re always guiding.

Because of His grace and for His glory.

Thieves

I think the most overlooked part of Jesus' death and resurrection are the two thieves that are crucified with him.

At the service I attended on Easter Sunday/ yesterday the pastor mentioned the two thieves in part of his sermon. I don't remember the capacity in which he talked about them because I started thinking about them and paid less attention to that part of the sermon.

God soon showed me that we are all one of the two thieves.

Both are sinners and are guilty of their crimes, and so are we.
There is no doubt of that.
They both die with Jesus as do we (Colossians), but only one enters heaven.

One ridicules Jesus and clearly does not believe in him. And even though he is faced with certain death refuses to hope and trust in him.

The other recognizes Jesus' innocence and in a sense his sacrifice, but it is not what the thief does or says that leads Jesus to bring him to paradise with Him. It is Jesus' own mercy and grace that saves him just as we are saved.

I'm a thief.

"All treasure is based upon the fact that you would do anything for it, pay any price, but the treasure that is Jesus Christ is based on the fact that he has paid the highest price for you."
-Matt Smethurst

Because of His grace and for his glory

Where are the Christians?

So I just got back from doing a prayer walk with a fellow Nate.

I hope that this will turn into a regular occurrence, and that will continue to reveal things to us through it and use us to reach out to others during our time.

I want to share some things God showed us.

First. It's not funny.

A lot of times we make fun of or laugh about drunk people. How is that being Christ like or showing Christ to them? Some people drink enough only to get a buzz, but a lot of people completely wreck themselves. Why? Why would anyone rationally choose to mess up their body and endanger themselves and others? It's because their either trying to escape or they are empty and trying to fill themselves up with something.

What they are missing is God. Whether they know it or not Their lack of Jesus is what makes people feel empty.

Moving on.

Where are the Christians?

Are they hiding for fear of being shot down?

Do they feel uncomfortable out there?

Who cares if you feel uncomfortable walking downtown surrounded by people who are drunk. Following God and carrying out his will is not easy or comfortable.

Should we not be going to where people are and reaching out to them? Should we not seek out people when they are at their lowest and so them the love and joy of Christ? I don't pretend to know what God has planned for everyone, but we are here at Penn State to reach out to the people around us and influence them and be influenced by them. We have lost the boldness of the Holy Spirit to reach out to people and the overwhelming desire of wanting others to share in our love and joy. We can not hope to accomplish anything without God, but how can we hope to be used without going out there to where needs us to be and wants to use us.

I love the church, but we can not deny that we are part of the problem. Things are so bad because of the lack of Christian interest and involvement.

What are you going to do about it?

Because of His grace and for His glory.