Just saw this on a friends blog. Thought it was appropriate.
Justin McRoberts- When It Don't Come Easy
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Back in black
So a friend of mine asked me today if I had a blog even though she already knew I did, but it got me thinking about how long it's been since I've written anything either in my blog or in my journal. I've missed it. I don't say that about a lot of things even some of my family and friends, but I've definitely missed writing. It helps me to think and process things and try to keep my head on straight. I haven't felt like I've had the time to write. In reality I did have time I was just not sure what to write about or thought I should spend my time doing something else. I've been going through s lot lately. Thinking about a lot of things. Most of I don't really understand, so it makes it really hard to talk about.
I've been thinking a lot about where I belong, partly because of my frustration with ACF and partly because of all the uncertainties that lie ahead. I don't really know where I belong. On talking about my struggles with ACF someone said to me you can't be asked to serve where you aren't being built up. Is that true? Just because we aren't being filled the way we want to or the way we expect does that give us the right to stop serving there? Is there a limit on the sacrifices we make to serve God? I would say no, but at the same time, in the bible when it talks about the body it talks how each part of the body serves different functions does that mean that we shouldn't even try to do some things? What does ut mean to be the hand or neck or spleen? What are their different roles? How do you know which one you are? How do you what your limit is. I feel like you can't know the limit of your service to God (if there is one) until you've already passed it.
One important realization that I've made is that I need other people. I need people in my life that I can serve. That I can make sacrifices for. Maybe that's why I care about Meredith so much. She has filled that role in my life right now as someone I can serve. Someone who needs me. Someone I make sacrifices for. It's been awesome to see how much I've grown over the past couple years. I've done things and made sacrifices that I wouldn't have even thought of doing a couple years ago. Mainly because I was afraid. I wasn't sure how people would react when I talked about God or offered to help them or give them something. I'm still not sure, but sometimes it's worth taking that risk. I'm a selfish giver. I think a lot of times I need to help people more than they actually need my help.
I've been thinking a lot about where I belong, partly because of my frustration with ACF and partly because of all the uncertainties that lie ahead. I don't really know where I belong. On talking about my struggles with ACF someone said to me you can't be asked to serve where you aren't being built up. Is that true? Just because we aren't being filled the way we want to or the way we expect does that give us the right to stop serving there? Is there a limit on the sacrifices we make to serve God? I would say no, but at the same time, in the bible when it talks about the body it talks how each part of the body serves different functions does that mean that we shouldn't even try to do some things? What does ut mean to be the hand or neck or spleen? What are their different roles? How do you know which one you are? How do you what your limit is. I feel like you can't know the limit of your service to God (if there is one) until you've already passed it.
One important realization that I've made is that I need other people. I need people in my life that I can serve. That I can make sacrifices for. Maybe that's why I care about Meredith so much. She has filled that role in my life right now as someone I can serve. Someone who needs me. Someone I make sacrifices for. It's been awesome to see how much I've grown over the past couple years. I've done things and made sacrifices that I wouldn't have even thought of doing a couple years ago. Mainly because I was afraid. I wasn't sure how people would react when I talked about God or offered to help them or give them something. I'm still not sure, but sometimes it's worth taking that risk. I'm a selfish giver. I think a lot of times I need to help people more than they actually need my help.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Loving like Jesus sucks
I haven't really written in awhile. I'm not sure why. I just haven't really thought about it in a while. I still feel like everything that had any meaning in my life is going wrong and I'm really struggling to find answers. What makes it worse is even though there are plenty of people who could probably help, I don't really want to talk about it. Moving on. I think I'm done with ACF. Earlier, I decided that I wasn't going to keep going to ACF unless I felt like God really wanted me there. I don't feel like he does, so I'm moving on. Nobody wants me there and I never feel more alone than when I'm at ACF on Sunday morning.
What I really wanted to write about was how much it sucks loving like Jesus not because you're supposed to love people who don't love you back. It sucks when you really love people like Jesus did when you know that people who you love and care deeply about don't love you back in the same way. When you feel like nobody loves you as much as you love them, it really takes a toll on you. There's no such thing as a pure introvert. We all need other people to help us out. To love us. I don't have anybody like that in my life right now. Yeah my parents and brother and sister love me, but it's not the same. And not talking about a girlfriend. Even my friends don't really care about me. I would immensely surprised if more than a couple people will notice that I've stopped going to ACF, and I'll be even more surprised if anybody bothers to pick up the phone and call me to ask why I'm not going to ACF.
When talking with Pastor Aaron a little about this last semester, he spoke of a prophet like restlessness. A lot of prophets were outcasts in their own society and barely understood by even their closest friends. The prime example- Jesus. While I don't know if that's what I'm going through, I hope I'm close to the end of the tunnel because I can't see through all this fog.
What I really wanted to write about was how much it sucks loving like Jesus not because you're supposed to love people who don't love you back. It sucks when you really love people like Jesus did when you know that people who you love and care deeply about don't love you back in the same way. When you feel like nobody loves you as much as you love them, it really takes a toll on you. There's no such thing as a pure introvert. We all need other people to help us out. To love us. I don't have anybody like that in my life right now. Yeah my parents and brother and sister love me, but it's not the same. And not talking about a girlfriend. Even my friends don't really care about me. I would immensely surprised if more than a couple people will notice that I've stopped going to ACF, and I'll be even more surprised if anybody bothers to pick up the phone and call me to ask why I'm not going to ACF.
When talking with Pastor Aaron a little about this last semester, he spoke of a prophet like restlessness. A lot of prophets were outcasts in their own society and barely understood by even their closest friends. The prime example- Jesus. While I don't know if that's what I'm going through, I hope I'm close to the end of the tunnel because I can't see through all this fog.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Wishes
This song came up on my computer while on shuffle. Terrible song by Superchick, but the words pretty much sum up my feelings towards a certain someone:
The saddest thing is you could be anything
That you could want
We could have been everything
But now we're not
Now it's not anything at all
The hardest part was getting this close to you
And giving up this dream i built with you
A fairytale that isn't coming true
You've got some growing up to do
I wish we could have worked it out
I wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye
After all the things you put me through
Tell me why i'm still in love with you
And why am i, why am i still waiting for your call
You broke my heart
I'm taking it back from you
And taking back the life i gave to you
Life goes on before and after you
I've got some growing up to do
I wish we could have worked it out
I wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
I wish we could have worked it out
I wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
The saddest thing is you could be anything
That you could want
We could have been everything
But now we're not
Now it's not anything at all
The hardest part was getting this close to you
And giving up this dream i built with you
A fairytale that isn't coming true
You've got some growing up to do
I wish we could have worked it out
I wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye
After all the things you put me through
Tell me why i'm still in love with you
And why am i, why am i still waiting for your call
You broke my heart
I'm taking it back from you
And taking back the life i gave to you
Life goes on before and after you
I've got some growing up to do
I wish we could have worked it out
I wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
I wish we could have worked it out
I wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Desires of your heart
Psalm 37:4
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."
John 15:7
"If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you."
I haven't thought about these verses and others like it in a long time, but today the pastor at the church I went to spoke about business, happiness, and how we live our lives and he quoted psalm 37:4 which got me thinking about it. For a lot of people these verses are serious stumbling blocks because people think that what they want and what they pray is right.
Most people associate prayer with bringing requests before God. They ask God to heal this person or help them achieve something or they just ask for his blessing. None of these things are necessarily bad, but the problem is with the expectations that come with prayer, largely because of the verses above. We expect God to bless us, to give us certain things, like we deserve it. Pastor Aaron spoke on this once. He used the example of when he was student teaching. He once gave one kid in his class a small bag of candy, and all the other kids in the class got upset. Why? The candy wasn't theirs. He didn't take it away from them to give to the other kid. He didn't tell them they were going to all get candy. They assumed they would get some, that they deserved some.
The second and far more serious problem with our prayer lives and these verses is our tainted perception. We assume that because we read our bible every day, go to church, support missions, pray, and all that jazz that we are delighting in the Lord and remaining in His word. While all those things certainly are important and have there place in ways that we exercise our faith, they aren't our faith. Our faith is built on God. His mercy, His grace, His justice, His glory, everything about him. Our part in our faith is the complete and total submission and trust in Him. Anything else is for exercising that faith and learning more about it and about God. Who is prayer for? Who benefits from it? God? Or was prayer made for us. To comfort, encourage and challenge us. Under our normal, basic understanding of prayer(communication with God), God really doesn't have any need for it. He can communicate with us anyway he wants, and he already knows what we're going to say to him and what we're going to ask of him.
Anyways, that was all secondary thought to what the pastor said today and what caught my attention. He said that when we delight in God he gives us the desires of our hearts. That just blew me away. The fact that God would give us the desires of our hearts is just so incredible. If you're thinking that I'm talking about my wants and needs, that God gives us "the desires of our hearts" as in the stuff we want or things we want to see happen, you're wrong. God's gives us "the desire of our hearts" as in our actual desires. When we delight in God, He doesn't give us what we want. What we want changes to what He wants and has planned for us. I'll say it again. When we delight in God, He doesn't just give us what we want or think we want but He changes our desires to match His own. If He merely gave us what we wanted then it would be a lot harder to be satisfied and delight in God because we will always be able to come up with more things that we want or think we want. But God goes gives us His desires, so that we may be satisfied and find peace in our lives. Oh, how He loves us!
One final thought: Do you ever wonder why we rarely pray to Jesus and almost never pray to the Holy Spirit? We typically address God the Father. Why? Aren't they all God? All equal?
Because of his grace and for his glory.
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."
John 15:7
"If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you."
I haven't thought about these verses and others like it in a long time, but today the pastor at the church I went to spoke about business, happiness, and how we live our lives and he quoted psalm 37:4 which got me thinking about it. For a lot of people these verses are serious stumbling blocks because people think that what they want and what they pray is right.
Most people associate prayer with bringing requests before God. They ask God to heal this person or help them achieve something or they just ask for his blessing. None of these things are necessarily bad, but the problem is with the expectations that come with prayer, largely because of the verses above. We expect God to bless us, to give us certain things, like we deserve it. Pastor Aaron spoke on this once. He used the example of when he was student teaching. He once gave one kid in his class a small bag of candy, and all the other kids in the class got upset. Why? The candy wasn't theirs. He didn't take it away from them to give to the other kid. He didn't tell them they were going to all get candy. They assumed they would get some, that they deserved some.
The second and far more serious problem with our prayer lives and these verses is our tainted perception. We assume that because we read our bible every day, go to church, support missions, pray, and all that jazz that we are delighting in the Lord and remaining in His word. While all those things certainly are important and have there place in ways that we exercise our faith, they aren't our faith. Our faith is built on God. His mercy, His grace, His justice, His glory, everything about him. Our part in our faith is the complete and total submission and trust in Him. Anything else is for exercising that faith and learning more about it and about God. Who is prayer for? Who benefits from it? God? Or was prayer made for us. To comfort, encourage and challenge us. Under our normal, basic understanding of prayer(communication with God), God really doesn't have any need for it. He can communicate with us anyway he wants, and he already knows what we're going to say to him and what we're going to ask of him.
Anyways, that was all secondary thought to what the pastor said today and what caught my attention. He said that when we delight in God he gives us the desires of our hearts. That just blew me away. The fact that God would give us the desires of our hearts is just so incredible. If you're thinking that I'm talking about my wants and needs, that God gives us "the desires of our hearts" as in the stuff we want or things we want to see happen, you're wrong. God's gives us "the desire of our hearts" as in our actual desires. When we delight in God, He doesn't give us what we want. What we want changes to what He wants and has planned for us. I'll say it again. When we delight in God, He doesn't just give us what we want or think we want but He changes our desires to match His own. If He merely gave us what we wanted then it would be a lot harder to be satisfied and delight in God because we will always be able to come up with more things that we want or think we want. But God goes gives us His desires, so that we may be satisfied and find peace in our lives. Oh, how He loves us!
One final thought: Do you ever wonder why we rarely pray to Jesus and almost never pray to the Holy Spirit? We typically address God the Father. Why? Aren't they all God? All equal?
Because of his grace and for his glory.
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